Christmas is here

Time has gone by and it feels like Christmas is slipping past me, almost unnoticed. One of my favourite Christmas songs has this line:

"Christmas isn't Christmas til it happens in your heart,
somewhere deep inside you is where Christmas really starts..."

I like this song because it rings so true for me.

Truth will always stand to be true. Christmas has already started years ago in my heart. But somehow this year... I've misplaced my Christmas.

I think I'd rather be in a faraway place, all alone, and have Christmas in my heart, than to be where it's supposed to be home, but have lost my Christmas.

some perks in life

Just as I'm beginning to feel stuck - a sense of being "grounded" even, God added some spice to my life...

Starting with great coffee:



Meeting up old friends:



Graduating:





Enjoying more wine than I've ever had in the last year:

My fav? Riesling.

Paragliding!!!





Over the mountains and the sea, Your river runs with love for me, and I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free...

It was a well worth, once in a lifetime superb experience! Short though it was (8-10 mins), my pilot did some acrobats in the air for me. Almost similar to, but way better than, 360 degrees roller-coaster. What more, I flew Otago colours!!

How time flies when one's having fun. Adding to the fun, I have time to blog about it!

O Healer, open my heart and set me free indeed.

Central Library @ Otago Uni

Everything looks the same. Yet, it's different.

Dunedin isn't quite Dunedin without the people. That wicked cuppa hot choc from Everyday Gourmet seemed to have lost its oomph without my good companion. It's a good day to be walking around, I miss the walking. A little chilly for a tropical girl like me though.

Many have left. Or are leaving. I'm thankful for the familiar faces still around. It felt like God kept them around for me. But of course, they're here for nobler reasons than that. After all, the world doesn't revolve around me. Neither does Dunedin.

I suppose it's quite the norm to feel out of place. It made me wonder if I ever integrated in the first place.

Or perhaps, I've moved on - this chapter is truly closing.

I'm here to sign off.

bits and pieces

having just thrown JLPT 2 out of the window today has perhaps made me really want to keep my Japanese. hopefully enough to make me do something about it.

********

"where am i needed?"

perhaps this too, is the ONE question that i really need to answer.

and perhaps, i do already have the answer to the question.

i just can't fathom how the answer is working out for the question.

********

i need beautiful sunsets, golden yellow rice fields, sakuras dancing around me, a warm fireplace that sets the heart aglow, pure white soft snow to roll on...

********

so. what does rebuilding mean to me?

what exactly am i required to rebuild?

********

i craved for a brownie tonight.

********

if you're/ have been praying for me... thanks.

i really need it.

I'm back again

I'm tempted to apologise for the long silence but really... who exactly am I apologising to?

Today marks the completion of 6 weeks at work. 6 weeks, or less, is all it takes for me to start seeing people as $$$ walking in and out through those glass doors... to start breathing out cynical comments under my breath... to have dreams about work every night...

Gimme a break!

Today, I overheard a parent telling her kid:"The world is so big. There's so much we do not know... that's why we have to read a lot to know the world outside..."

I do not claim to really know the world outside. But I'm thankful to have tasted life of a different flavour, to have known that this isn't the only way to live. I don't know everything in the world, but what I do know is that... life don't have to be the way it is. It is a choice. And it is a choice I hope circumstances will allow me to make someday.

And my hope lies in the liberating knowledge that I'm not bounded by circumstances. Because He's freed me from it all.

Sola Scriptura

Sola scriptura (Latin ablative, "by scripture alone") is the assertion that the Bible as God's written word is self-authenticating, clear (perspicuous) to the rational reader, its own interpreter ("Scripture interprets Scripture"), and sufficient of itself to be the final authority of Christian doctrine.
-wikipedia

God's word - final authority. Sola scriptura.

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." -2 Timothy 3:16-17

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." -Psalm 119:105

a piece of clear blue sky

When I was driving home yesterday evening, I was blessed with a good view of the clear blue sky. While abroad, I've learnt to look out for breathtaking masterpieces He's constantly presenting us with. Clear blue skies resonate something in me. They remind me there's SomeOne bigger out there who's in control.

I've always taken the vast blue sky hanging above me for granted...

Macau

Macau

Hirosaki

Aomori

Mt. Iwaki

Catlins, New Zealand

Kaikoura, New Zealand

...until He gave me eyes to see more than just a vast expanse hanging above. The same Creator who painted the clear blue skies in New Zealand did the same for Japan and Macau. I am delighted to find a piece of clear blue sky hanging over Malaysia too by the same Painter.

So now there's something for me to look forward to. I'll be in search of the clear blue sky each day I head out.

But more than that, I want to keep a piece of that clear blue sky within my heart...

hidden treasures of Malaysia

My eyes were opened and I saw...





live churaage!

a glimmer of hope leading on to...

glory that belongs to Him and Him alone:

dreams

when does one take his/her dream(s) seriously?

Recently, someone said to me: "it's important to have a dream. that's what keeps you alive and excited as you look forward to another day closer to the dream being realised."

but here, I'm talking about the dreams one has when one sleeps.

I realised that when I try to snooze beyond my waking hour, I start to get oppressive dreams. Perhaps that few extra moments of snooze ain't worth it after all.

there was a dream which i shrugged off as part of the series of oppressive dreams. yet now, I'm not sure if it's merely a dream.

hmmmmm.

wait and see.

random musings

Lady Grey instead of Arabian Mocha Timor. Does it actually make a difference?

Job-hunting. Supposedly. The half-heartedness and "No, I can't do this", "I don't qualify for that" etc... Why is my heart not settled?

One year in Japan. Did it really happen?

Rural Malaysia. Am I pursuing something or running away?

Am I letting go or am I still clinging on?

Let go. and Let Him.

A smiley baby

My aunt remarked that I'm better at holding cats, dogs or wombats than babies. Well, I guess I need more practice.



Baby Ian is such a happy baby!

But I guess not all babies are happy babies. I was told I entered this world as a frowning baby.

But that is not important. What is important is that hope is found in Christ.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time." -1 Peter 1:3-5

今日の思い出

excerpts from my testimony given at Hirosaki Fukuin church (July 2008):

"...私は天国に帰る前に、今もう帰るべきだということが分かるようになりました。なぜならば、私は今神様と共に歩むことだから。神様は私の避け所です。それから、私は天国に帰りたいという気持ちを置いて、神様が下さる日々に生きようと思いました。

。。。

私の家族が動揺しても、神様は依然動揺しないで、私の硬い岩なのです。ヘブル人への手紙１２章２８節に、“私たちは揺り動かされない御国を受けているのですから、感謝しようではありませんか。こうして私たちは、慎みと恐れとをもって、神に喜ばれるように奉仕をすることができるのです。”　と書いてあります。”

喜ばれるように奉仕をする

本当にできる？

“主はわが巌、わがとりで、わが救い主、身を避けるわが岩、わが神。
わが盾、わが救いの角、わがやぐら。”　－詩篇１８：２

there's only 2 seasons in Malaysia...

RAIN or SHINE.

I wasn't prepared but since I was stuck in the bank reactivating an account I couldn't access because I wasn't around, I didn't think too much about it.

But eventually I did finish my business in the bank. Still raining.

Called J.

"It's raining. After talking to you God will stop the rain."

We made plans. We have a venue and a time. The rained stopped.

It's little things like this that help assure me that though I doubt I can survive in KL, the One backing me up will carry me through.

the things i miss...

singing hymns with others...

praying with others...

walking and cycling everywhere...

speaking Japanese...

rice fields and apple farms...

.
.
.


hmmmm. i feel like an ungrateful brat. i should be thankful in every circumstance. but perhaps it's not too much to ask for some time to find my footing again.

or is it?

到着した

金曜日の夜、私と音無ゆきはやっと到着した。

でも、心も一緒に帰国したかどうか、あまり分からない。

There's a season for everything.

One chapter closes, to make way for another...

somehow I've always wanted to go to Sendai...

...and I did.

Even if it was just for 5 minutes.

and there's a photo for the record!

could be anywhere else in Japan, but it's ok. all that matters is that I know it's Sendai.



=)

bidding summer goodbye...

waiting for my 紅葉 and　柿...

bluey

it's been good.

it really has been good.

i'm just feeling a little hmmmm.

but i have learnt not to trust my feelings.

after all, my heart is naught but a deceptive part of me...

i suspect, if i just get on with doing what i'm supposed to be doing... i won't be feeling so hmmmmm.

hmmmm.

我的一生在你手中

我的一生在你手中

在主面前 細細數算神的恩典
我才明瞭 你的奇妙帶領
我等候 願能摸著你的心意
未来的路 願走在你旨意中

獻上我最爱 在祭壇前不帶走
帶領我前往 你所應許之地

(副歌)我的一生在你手中
驚濤駭浪主與我同在
我的一生在你手中
勇敢前往向標竿直奔
我的一生在你手中
甘心順服得最終獎賞
我的一生在你手中
我深知道我的一生在你手中

知心朋友

私は。。。

ただ弘前の外人ではなく、

本当にこの世の外人だ。

ずっと前よく天国に帰りたいけど、

今もうその気持ちを置いて、

神様からくださる日々に輝く生きよう！

いつでも、どこでも、主と共に歩むことは、

幸せだ。

私は本当に帰るべきだ。

帰るべきだ。

Psalm 84

1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young -
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you. Selah

5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

8 Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob. Selah

9 Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.

10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper
in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

12 O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

主の御名をほめたたえよう！

明日出さなきゃレポートを書きに努力します！　

last days in Shimoda Haitsu II

I'm so excited about finishing I can hardly sit still enough to finish what I'm supposed to be finishing. sigh.

it's a good thing, no?

I'm still discovering new things about my place as I pack to leave.

this is a totally random post, kinda like a prelude to calm myself down before I can finally start to write my report. It's due tomorrow... and I haven't even decide what to write on! *pengsan*

and by the time I calm down, it's probably time to head out again!

wheee~

He knows.

He really does.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
-Romans 8:28

He paved the way and brought me here. Despite the downs, the work of His hands is clear through His faithful providence. To the very end.

"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."
-Isaiah 58:11

He's been faithful thus far. He will continue to be faithful.

He's provided thus far. He will continue to provide.

He's led and guided me thus far. He will continue to lead and guide.

and He'll bring me to exactly where He wants me to be.

Such is the awesomeness of my great God!

"all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise" - C.S.Lewis

"every blessing You pour out, I'll turn back to praise..." -Matt Redman

nice things in life

Chinese conversation practice, anyone?

Or Cantonese/English/Malay/broken Japanese?

...and the sun is shining once again

actually, the sun's been blazing over this part of the world. I'm quite brown, much to my mum's dismay.

just a short note to thank those who's been praying for me. i'm no longer waiting for july to be over.

i still can't see the road ahead. maybe it's not there yet. maybe i'm not listening. maybe i'm not even asking. hmmmm. it's almost weird to say that i'm looking forward to nothing. but since there's nothing ahead, yea, i'm looking forward to nothing. even if it's empty anticipation, as long as it excites me, gets me through the days with hope (for i know not what), then so be it - looking forward to nothing! ;p

i'm being silly tonight. but it sure feels good to be normal once again. to be happy, even if for a short while. yes, the sun is shining once again.

...and grace will lead me Home.

study? what study?!

ugh. my mind is hardly here. i don't even know where it is. times like this i realise how impt consistent work is.

taking exams are like taking practice exercises these days.

Without grace, I'm goners.

sigh.

waiting for August

I'm trying not to think about all the things that needs to get done until Aug comes. But as I listed some of the things for prayer requests, I could almost feel the surge of panic rising within before the inner mechanism quickly suppressed it again.

It can be done. Not just barely scrapping through. They can be done well. With God all things are possible.

Just keep swimming,
just keep swimming,
just keep swimming...
swimming...
swimming...

next...

ok. so i think i have an idea of what i can write. i just need to start writing.

it's amazing how talking and vocalizing the ideas in your head helps you to crystallize and organize your thoughts so much.

for the first time in a long long time... i actually needed a drink from talking.

didn't matter that the listener was merely listening. she might not even know what i'm talking about...

i'm learning, for the XXXth time, talking/verbalizing your thoughts, does help.

He's speaking...

but am I listening?

I'm quite sure He's been speaking.

Having another person to read the Word with, to talk about it and to bounce ideas off each other... I've just been reminded once again what a huge difference it makes.

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
-2 Timothy 2:22

But even then, I feel like I've got a lot of huge holes in my mind... most things just seem to pass right through all those holes and I haven't retained much. I can only ask Him to drill things over and over again into me, until they become a part of me.

Help me to listen. and move forward.

to learn to receive

we're not made to live in isolation.

learn to receive.

open your heart, and receive.

On a Saturday morning

where's the coffeeshops that open at 7am to welcome the early risers (even the rare ones)?

the tantalizing aroma of fresh coffee as the coffee grinder kicks to life with the smell of toast as its accompaniment?

where's the early morning hustle bustle?

As I pondered on these questions, the minutes ticked by and slipped from my hands. Ah~ the precious moments of an early morning! I simply cannot keep them.

Count the stars

"Look up at the heavens and count the stars-if indeed you can count them."

I wanna go counting stars too.

At midnight, the air was only slightly cooling. Cycling gave both the refreshing breeze of rushing wind (when I peddled fast enough), and the rising heat from increasing metabolic rate. The only bright spark against the dark backdrop of the sky wasn't twinkling. No star gazing tonight I guess. The moon was full though. A kind-looking moon it was. The reassuring kind. Such that when the thick black clouds covered it, you have the assurance that the kind-looking moon is still smiling at you warmly on the other side. He's right there, whether you can see Him or not.

After this, the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision:

"Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield,
your very great reward. "

He (God) took him outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars-if indeed you can count them." Then he (God) said to him, "So shall your offspring be."

Abram believed the LORD , and he (God) credited it to him as righteousness.

(excerpts from Genesis 15)

In uni, we get credits after passing our courses.

Abram got his credit by believing.

I think I've failed miserably. He's probably making sure I do re-tests until I pass.

Anyways.

I'm not sure I know how to proceed with my War Lit exam essay.

主よ、助けてください。

packing...

... is both liberating and vexing.

throwing things away is cool - de-cluttering always soothes me.

the challenge is (and has always been) the weight limit.

how did I manage to accumulate so many things in merely 10 months??

so what happened to the flame?

i snuffed it out.

i didn't mean to, but the flame died in my hands.

sigh.

i better stop procrastinating and get on with some work.

still burning

<sup>Instead of the usual calming glow, my birthday muffin candle was set ablaze tonight. A little cupcake-like candle though it was, the flames danced with ferocity. But alas! such intense passion stemming out from the crooked, depraved wick didn't last long. I was rather taken aback by the sudden diminish of the vehement flame into a mere weak glow. the flickering light didn't look like it will last.

but it did. flickering though it was, it's not snuffed out entirely. not just yet. i don't know what keeps a flame burning, but there's something, something beyond the wax, the wick and the matchstick, that's sustaining the glow.

why does all that sound so familiar?</sup>

"I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God... For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
-2 Timothy 1:6-7

my little cousin

finally, another male heir to bear the family name!





handsome boy eh?

the gift of life is amazingly glorious.

I'm alive. I should be.

"because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved." -Ephesians 2:4-5

To Know Your Name - Hillsong

The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems
Forgiven I'm alive restored set free
Your majesty resides inside of me
Forever I believe
Forever I believe
Arrested by Your truth and righteousness
Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness
Convicted by Your spirit led by Your word
Your love will never fail
Your love will never fail

chorus
I know You gave
The word Your only Son for us
To know Your name
To live within the Saviour's love
He took my place
Knowing He'd be crucified
And You loved
You loved a people undeserving

tengah merajuking

i felt better last night. i think what i really need is just someone to meluahkan hati to. it's not like u can just go to sesiapa and meluahkan your hati to that sesiapa. often, the hati part doesn't get diluahkan until very much later. でも、それは多分　‘シチン’　という人間機械の正常な操作できるように、必要なことである。

but i suppose the bigger masalah might be that i'm closing myself in.

the little disappointments eat u up. after a while it makes u wonder, who cares anyway?

hmmmmm. 夏バテ？？？

it's time like this when u know no amount of good logical sensible reasoning will help. maybe i just need to 不顾一切，硬着头皮 and keep on going.

走り続けよう！主を仰がなきゃ！どんなときも、どこでも、どんな気持ちでも。。。

主よ、お助けください。

Consuming Fire - Hillsong United
There must be more than this,
O breath of God come breathe within,
There must be more than this,
Spirit of God we wait for You.

Fill us anew we pray,
Fill us anew we pray.

(Chorus)
Consuming fire fan into flame,
A passion for Your Name,
Spirit of God fall in this place,
Lord have Your way,
Lord have Your way with us,

Come like a rushing wind,
Clothe us with power from on high,
Now set the captives free,
Leave us abandoned to Your praise.

Lord let Your glory fall,
Lord let Your glory fall.

Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
A passion for Your Name.

staring into space

i think staring blankly into the computer screen is as good as staring into space.

i need to find a hobby.

rainy Friday

Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

(excerpts from Psalm 73)

不思議。信じられない。

dead inside

"I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God.Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent."
-Revelation 3:1-3

"'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD ! This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD .' "
-Ezekiel 37:4-6

one of those nights

where u just wanna stare off blankly into space.



sigh. won't the waves sweep me off somewhere?

summer is here

without the katakana signboards, i could almost imagine i'm in malaysia. without the political drama. but of course, if i understood enough japanese and cared enough to read the papers, perhaps there's another kind of drama going on here.

summer is definitely not my favourite season.

incoherent thoughts at 1am

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:30-31

Soar. Run. Walk.

someone once pointed out the order to me. Soar. Run. Walk. the following train of thought that came to me is probably very very out of context, but nevertheless, a thought is a thought, and very often the trigger of a thought has almost nothing to do with the very thought itself.

The soar didn't last very long. The run has slowed down to a walk, which is more accurately, wobbly stumbles rather than the firm steps of a steady gait. The transition from spring to fall is almost too quick. Will the weathered down wings ever come to life again and take flight?

I miss autumn and winter. As I raced down the street that has grown so familiar in the past 9 months, I thought about how fast my here and now today will become a thing of the past tomorrow, and a mere distant memory before I know it.

my new hiding place