39 days left

that's it. another 39 days and 2011 will be history.

For this particular Kairos course running in EEFC, what really left an impression was when I did Chap 4. It's as if God put those words in my mouth to say it to me in a way that will sink in for me:

History is HIS Story. He's still writing His story today with our lives. What story is He writing with yours?

I think I've been in an ugh state lately. Lotsa reasons. The most obvious one would be the reno going on in the house. It's quite disruptive to have the whole house in chaos but with a room I know so well, my fort, my refuge and shelter to hide in, it's not so bad. You can tear down the whole house, I have my room. And we agreed to leave my room as it is. Or so I thought. I was totally unprepared and shocked when I got home one day to find my room in chaos too. In all honesty, I cried. It was difficult. I wondered why I was so emo about something that's not such a big deal. I think I found the answer: He has to shake me out of my comfort zone. Tear down everything before He could give the walls a new coat of paint, and do proper rebuilding.

Hmmmmm. The room is kinda back to "normal" now. 80%. But being the meticulous person I am, that little 20% of order, or more accurately, the lack of, kinda malfunctioned me. I get home, back to my room, to sit on my bed and wonder what to do with myself. Sure, there's lots on the mental to-do list, but with things out of the usual order, I'm lost.

The poor cat suffered too. We had to call her home every night when reno first started. She couldn't eat, & she'd walk around, up and down, looking bewildered and lost. She couldn't even recognise her bed! Eventually she slept on the only part of the house that wasn't touched.

It's like the Great East Japan Earthquake that struck in March this year. I shudder to think how the people felt. This is not even 1% of what they had to go through, and their lives are still being rebuilt today.

Not being able to do much, I find myself returning to this blog. My cat has returned to her bed once again. My house will too. I just need motivation and discipline to start restoring that 20% back to order. Maybe after Kairos.

39 more days. I wonder what story is He writing? Is this the way He wants it written? How will it link to the future chapters? There's lots to think about.

New Black Coffee Lab

It's so refreshing to find a place like this near home: http://www.newblackcoffeelab.com/home/

At 5pm on a weekday, only 2 tables were occupied. That was nice for a change. Crowded cafes are not very conducive for "me time". I read, enjoyed a 50% off latte, with nice music playing in the background.

Had a little chat with the person manning the place. He has a partner who went to NZ and did barista certification there. Wish I had the guts to do that myself when I was there. He used to be a "salaryman" too, but came out to open this cafe out of interest and passion.

Somewhere, sometime, for some people, dreams do come true...

God is bigger than my circumstances

He's sovereign, is He not?

but no matter what my head tries to tell my heart, this is how I really feel:

I can't help but wonder, how much more does my head need to brainwash my heart (heartwash?) before I will stop feeling like this?

Jesus said:

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

(Matthew 11)

It is the eye of faith that will allow me to see beyond the circumstances. But I lack this faith. O God, help me to see things from Your perspective!

new motivation to blog

"Siqin-san, do you know any famous bloggers in Malaysia? There is a programme to send them to Japan to blog about the reconstruction of the disaster zone..."

"There's so many out there... how will you decide? Why don't you just send me to Japan?"

hahaha! So now I've got a new reason to blog!

a confession

I had decaff-ed coffee yesterday. *gasp*

Needless to say, I was disappointed. What was I thinking anyway, harbouring unspoken expectation of being kicked when the kicking agent's been removed. It was a cup of... a cup of... of... milky stuff. yikes!

But I couldn't help it. I love my beauty sleep too.

Hello. Looks like I'm blogging again.

de-activated?

Something caught my eye today while I was digging up old stuff. It wasn't that long ago really, but how things have changed! Have we been de-activated? Have I been de-activated?

I'm not sure what the future holds, but I have to keep reminding myself, at least I know Who holds my future.

Hmmmm... Do I really?

burnt

I burnt whatever I was baking.

Sigh. I had anticipated that happening. Clearly my heart is not right, and it flows out through the touch of my hands.

Yet.

It was redeemed. And it became edible after all.

God can redeem.

Lord, set my heart right.

self-deception

I'm merely deceiving myself thinking that I'm gonna get any work done at this hour when I'm just rummaging through FB pages, blogs... and when I start looking at my powerpoint slides, I start to yawn...

perhaps, I really should just go to bed.

*yawn*

stepping into 2011!

I actually wrote "stepping into 2010!!" and had to edit the title.

Somehow it felt like life has stopped at 2010.

But surely there must be more, there must be so much more.

I think I am finally understanding what it's like when I first heard G said that she never thought she'd live til her 20s, and hence can't imagine life beyond uni. Ditto when Aunty Teresa shared along similar lines about not thinking she'd live so long. Apparently her lecturer (or someone from Bible college) told her that it's a common feeling that Asian girls have.

Perhaps I'm still not too used to not being the main planner of my life. It's not like I so wanna plan my life and I have this amazing 1000 things I wanna schedule in, but had to grudgingly let go and let Him. It's more like... I dun really know what to plan, how to plan anymore after uni. On one hand it's exciting! On the other, I must admit the "not knowing, just walk as far as I can see" style is kinda stifling the J (MBTI personality) in me.

I like big plans - let me show you my 2011 year planner, and I'd like to be able to share with you how Jan's gonna be this, and Feb will be taken up by that, March will be about this, and then April I'll be doing that.... all the way til Dec. But no, it's like I'm walking into a thick mesh of clouds, and visibility isn't extending very far into the future.

So... what's next?

What was all that leading up to? Hmmmmm. At the back of my head, I know I still have yet to make sense of the Lausanne experience. What does all that mean and what is all that leading to?

I guess my "walk by faith" lesson's not fully learnt yet. It's still putting one foot ahead of the other, and walking as far as I can see when I can't see very far ahead. I am reminded of David's shepherding days, yet he remained faithful through it all, through all the little day-to-day things. Sure I've had my fair share of running around the globe, there's been big movements in life to date, but in the end, it's the little daily things that count.

Have I loved my neighbour? Have I loved my Creator? Have I loved my neighbour in such a way that my neighbour knows about my Creator?

Have I kept myself meaningfully occupied? Or am I still being swept along by the daily rush of things?

Have I given myself sufficient time and thought to reflect on each day's passing? Or am I just living an unreflected life, which is really, a wasted life?

Am I still listening out for that still small voice? Or have I shut it out in fear of what it might say to me?

Welcome 2011. There must be so much more.