whirlwind~

The whirlwind is fast subsiding. As the final waves swept over me, I am reminded of what Ajith Fernando wrote:

Beware of the sacrifice of family on the altar of service.

Beware of the sacrifice of (quality) time alone with God on the altar of busyness.

Beware of the sacrifice of the Word of God on the altar of experience.

Beware of the sacrifice of holiness on the altar of giftedness.

Beware of the sacrifice of integrity on the altar of money.

Beware indeed. I need to slow down, find a place to hide and reflect.

"Do you get attach?"

On the very final day of a 3.5-weekends journey, I was posed this question.

"No..."

It's only been 3.5 weekends! Of course not! But something struck and I finished my answer truthfully:

"I don't allow myself to."

What revelation. So I learnt another thing about myself. Probably not something very new but it's not something I thought I'd have to face at this point of time.

With the ongoing mobile lifestyle, perhaps it's already ingrained in me that I don't expect to settle down. Or maybe, much as I want to, I can't. Don't know how to. Perhaps my mind tells me I'm here for a while, but subconsciously I hold people at an arm's length. So that when nobody misses you, it doesn't hurt, and when you have to tear yourself away it's not too difficult. After all, we're all pilgrims on the road, and hopefully, if we don't ever meet again here, we'll meet again in heaven.

On the other hand, I've learnt to connect deeply in a short period of time. I thank God for the deeply meaningful, hence, rich, friendships I have. But nothing lasts. People come, people go, we all move on.

Deep meaningful relationships are very enriching. Unfortunately, humans are very apt at hurting one another. Love hurts. Another revelation. It's crazy that the people you love most are the ones that hurt you the most. The people you allow to come closest to you are the ones you're inviting to pierce a sword through your heart. It's even more crazy that when you love someone, you end up hurting that someone. Forget the warm fuzzy feelings (I was told it's never about that in the first place) - love is cross-shaped, love til it hurts ya.

3.5 weekends. Much as I didn't allow myself to get very attached, if any at all, there was still a sinking feeling.

"but have not love"

Have you loved today?

needs to concentrate!

...but my mind is everywhere!

the breath of fresh air wasn't as refreshing as I thought it would be. But nevertheless that must have been the answer to prayer(s). If only I'm not so fuzzy in the head and unsure. Takes faith to just step forward.

I enjoyed the night drive. Past cities and cities and cities. It was a nice feeling racing through the highways... but I caught myself squinting. Maybe I shouldn't drive when my eyes are tired. Or at least not drive so fast. Or... I can have another cuppa as I drive! =) Reminded me of the times I cycled furiously down Hirosaki streets, where the chill was cool and refreshing. I remember I used to have this fear of venturing too far out, whether by bicycle or on foot, lured by the unfamiliar unknown that lies ahead, so much so that I wouldn't know the way home or I'd be too tired to turn around and go home. The idea of being out there alone without the strength to move forward or to turn back scared me endless.

But now... it's just stepping on the accelerator and following road signs. Or so it seems. Nah, it's more than that, it's Him who has never failed to bring me "home", wherever that much needed refuel station had been. As I cruised by unfamiliar sights and zoomed through unknown highways, the welcoming embrace of familiarity entering my view again is a reminder that no matter where, what, how, He'll get me "home" - wherever that "home" might be.

The answer to the prayer(s)?

Be realistic.

Don't expect too much.

Love lots for love covers over a multitude of sins.

Keep moving forward.

Pray ceaselessly.

When one part suffers, the whole body suffers. Unfortunately, it's not until that one part suffers and malfunctions that the rest of the body realises how important that part of the body is. So now it's the right hand and the left hand. How the left hand wishes it can pull the right hand along! But I guess the left hand will just have to be patient and wait, and when the right hand is ok again then we'll get moving. In the meantime, the left hand will just wait.

Very random. If only I can throw all these aside and concentrate. *breathes in*

soar.run.walk.

"Once you stop, it's difficult to start again."

How true. Last I ran/jog/walk was @ SC's. Doing 10km was unprecedented for me, the achievement was kinda sweet, but short-lived. And I never ran ever since.

soar. run. walk. isaiah 40:31. better to be walking than not at all. If I wanna attempt 21km next year, I better start walking today, run tomorrow... and hopefully soar next year.

another week!

I got up this morning thinking - "what classes have I got today? Can I skip?"

Then I remembered, I'm no longer a student.

Getting out of bed seems to get harder these days. Uncle David explained that our bodies are wired to work only 6 days, with a day designated for Sabbath rest. Money work is work. But not doing money work doesn't necessarily mean rest.

What is the colour of autumn and where is the fragrance of spring?

How I long to worship Him amidst the beauty of His creation!

*smile*

tired, but I'm all smiles. =)

it's been another crazy hectic day, rushing from one appointment to another. one of those days where there's so much I haven't done, I was trying to squeeze in time here and there, steal little snippets here and there to cram/do whatever last minute work I can manage.

and of course, I was running behind time all the time. it took some effort to calm myself down and remind myself that all I could do was... pray. The cars in front wouldn't move any faster, the red light wouldn't turn green any faster... there's nothing I could do to change the situation, except to pray.

Interestingly, I got to my first destination right on the dot. and being in Malaysia, that meant I was only the 2nd person to arrive. I relaxed and breathed my thanks to Him who kept me safe and restrained me from driving like a mad person.

Destination #2. Slow traffic again on a Sat lunch hour. Didn't help when I suddenly found the roads that I've just got accustomed to in Brickfields all changed to one-way streets, not in the direction I would normally take. Man, that means I have to crawl along the traffic and take a big round before I reach my destination? I'm gonna miss my timing, I'm gonna be late. Or so I thought. Then a turning on my right caught my eye - made a sudden decision to try that turning, thankfully no cars came head-on (it's pretty confusing not to know which is the right way anymore!), and voila! I found my intended destination just right in front of me.

To get to the next appointment for the night, thankfully the last, I had to leave right after Kairos. I pulled all the wires out, grabbed all my stuff and fled for my car - only to find that the whole carpark was jammed up with carsssssss, with 2 cars parked right at the entrance blocking the way out. I couldn't believe my eyes. If there's a fire we would all be nicely grilled. There's a big wedding going on in the church and well... someone just decided it's ok to park right in front of the only entrance into the church. Again, I could only pray and wait. pray and wait. pray and wait. I contemplated missing the last appointment altogether, which incidentally was also a wedding - I'm gonna miss my timing again, either I wouldn't be able to make it or I'll be super duper late. Perhaps I could cheer myself up with the famous Brickfields mamak food, but I felt the thing to do was to "pray and wait".

After some time, the car owner came and removed his nice big BMW. the 2nd car moved. and voila! I found myself turning round and round in circles in Brickfields following the one-way streets. Eventually I got directed out of the maze, got caught in another jam... ... ...

BUT.

eventually, I got home and reached where I was supposed to go right on time.

It baffles me that someone who drives a BMW would think it's ok to park his car right in front of a main gate and block the only entrance to the whole compound. But as I thought about the events of the day, I could almost hear God whispering into my ear...

"Pssst... I never miss a timing".

5 loaves & 2 fishes

All "that" is taking its toll on me.

Even before anything has started I'm already too tired. "Staring" at the mental image of my plate, I'm not sure I wanna take any step forward. Not that going backward is an available option.

I suspect it's all in the mind. plus a bit of PMS. hmmmmm.

5 loaves & 2 fishes by Corrinne May

A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school

He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look

Thousands were listening to the stories of one man

He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night

Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight

The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had

He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus

The kindness in His smile

And the boy cried out

With the trust of a child

He said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes

Do with it as you will

I surrender

Take my fears and my inhibitions

All my burdens, my ambitions

You can use it all to feed them all"

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small

And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands

And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have

Oh Lord, you can work miracles

All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes

Do with it as you will

I surrender

Take my fears and my inhibitions

All my burdens, my ambitions

You can use it all

I hope it's not too small

I trust in you

I trust in you

So take my five loaves and two fishes

Do with it as you will

I surrender

Take my fears and my inhibitions

All my burdens, my ambitions

You can use it all

No gift is too small

*****************************

I'm not sure how much of those 5 loaves and 2 fishes are left, but take it and do with it as you will.

Worship

"Worship is the nourishment of the mind upon God's truth.

Worship is the quickening of the conscience by God's holiness.

Worship is the cleansing of the imagination by God's beauty.

Worship is the response of my life to God's plan for my life."

-Sir William Temple, 17th century diplomat & author

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe" -Hebrews 12:28

Let my heart be wholly Thine.

"but have not love"

Do you hear the resounding gong?

Clanging cymbal?