I'm merely deceiving myself thinking that I'm gonna get any work done at this hour when I'm just rummaging through FB pages, blogs... and when I start looking at my powerpoint slides, I start to yawn...
I actually wrote "stepping into 2010!!" and had to edit the title.
Somehow it felt like life has stopped at 2010.
But surely there must be more, there must be so much more.
I think I am finally understanding what it's like when I first heard G said that she never thought she'd live til her 20s, and hence can't imagine life beyond uni. Ditto when Aunty Teresa shared along similar lines about not thinking she'd live so long. Apparently her lecturer (or someone from Bible college) told her that it's a common feeling that Asian girls have.
Perhaps I'm still not too used to not being the main planner of my life. It's not like I so wanna plan my life and I have this amazing 1000 things I wanna schedule in, but had to grudgingly let go and let Him. It's more like... I dun really know what to plan, how to plan anymore after uni. On one hand it's exciting! On the other, I must admit the "not knowing, just walk as far as I can see" style is kinda stifling the J (MBTI personality) in me.
I like big plans - let me show you my 2011 year planner, and I'd like to be able to share with you how Jan's gonna be this, and Feb will be taken up by that, March will be about this, and then April I'll be doing that.... all the way til Dec. But no, it's like I'm walking into a thick mesh of clouds, and visibility isn't extending very far into the future.
So... what's next?
What was all that leading up to? Hmmmmm. At the back of my head, I know I still have yet to make sense of the Lausanne experience. What does all that mean and what is all that leading to?
I guess my "walk by faith" lesson's not fully learnt yet. It's still putting one foot ahead of the other, and walking as far as I can see when I can't see very far ahead. I am reminded of David's shepherding days, yet he remained faithful through it all, through all the little day-to-day things. Sure I've had my fair share of running around the globe, there's been big movements in life to date, but in the end, it's the little daily things that count.
Have I loved my neighbour? Have I loved my Creator? Have I loved my neighbour in such a way that my neighbour knows about my Creator?
Have I kept myself meaningfully occupied? Or am I still being swept along by the daily rush of things?
Have I given myself sufficient time and thought to reflect on each day's passing? Or am I just living an unreflected life, which is really, a wasted life?
Am I still listening out for that still small voice? Or have I shut it out in fear of what it might say to me?