Christmas Eve~

Sparkling white snow. Blazing hot sun.

Clean crisp chilly air. Dusty humid hot air.

Slow reflective Christmas. Fully packed crazy Christmas.

Just when I thought I could "sort things out on my own" - I woke up sobbing with a heavy heart. The emotions were so intense and real.

I always try to make light of dreams like this, why read too much into something you don't really comprehend anyway?

But I think... as this festive season is fast zooming past me, as I'm being hurled into 2011 in a frenzy, there are certain things I need to work out with Him. To be real in sharing the Christmas story, to be real in conveying the truth in the birth of Christ, I must first experience for myself the transformation, the joy, the peace, the healing that come with His birth.

Is Christmas truly yours? Or is it another year of exchanging gifts, indulgence in good food + a big dose of alcohol... which, when the night is over, the cheer has died down, the crowd gone, the hangover subsided... just leave you feeling emptier than before?

death by the pudding

that's WHY I should always always share my dessert.

***

banana (n) a kind of tropical fruit, ripe when yellow, comes in combs. White flesh beneath yellow skin.

bananany (adj) an expression used solely for banana-related food (eg. banana cake, banana pudding), to show how real or to describe the degree of banana taste in the said food. Adjective derived from "banana (noun)", created by JIS Siqin, on 1st December 2010 when she tasted an extraordinarily delicious banana pudding with butterscotch and vanilla ice-cream. I have never tasted such ~ pudding. The banana cake was so ~ that I can't imagine how much banana is used to bake it.

(quoted from Yin dictionary)

***

it was very bananany indeed~

too much of a good thing is not necessarily a good thing.

"aku dah jadi Kristian"

I didn't expect the above declaration would bring so much joy!

"I've become a Christian"

As I said those words, a sudden joy rushed into my heart.

My replacement IC would have me, a citizen of Malaysia, registered as a Christian in the records.

Now... if only this isn't just on my IC. That it would be written all over me, all over my life, a stench to those who are perishing, but life and fragrance to those who will live to the end of days!!

rain...

the rain seems to be stirring up some melancholiness in me.

it's the best time to be sitting in a nice cafe, watching the raindrops beat against the glass window, breathing in the tantalizing aroma of a good cuppa, pen in hand...

which reminds me. I haven't journaled. in ages. hmmmmm...

how convenient to blame the rain.

What day is it today?

I feel like I'm living in a daze. What day is it today? What's on for this week? What's going on next?

Pop! Goes the Weasel!

Pop!

by right the next line should be: Goes the Weasel. But in this case, it's:

Pop! Goes the Window!

and everything happened in slow mo.

I felt like I was watching a movie...

even more so when the glass came shattering down.

I'm ok. The car's ok. Just... more errands to run. A few inconveniences here and there. A few precious things gone. Affects the sentimentalist in me but ah well... I can't bring them to heaven with me anyway.

But I'm thankful. Really thankful. Could have been a lot worse.

And I'm certainly very very very grateful... for He has given me someone who was there, someone I hung on to, someone who talked me through until my mind cleared, someone who prayed for me, someone whose presence made me felt:

it's ok. everything's gonna be ok.

grrr~~

When you have this sneaky suspicion that you're in avoidance mode, trying to run away... then u know perhaps it's high time to sit down with the Lord, sort it out... and then face it squarely.

*help!*

11 days to Cape Town~

It hadn't quite sunk in that I'll be heading to Cape Town soon. It's like something that has been lingering at the back of my head for so long it has comfortably etched itself into the background and hasn't made its way to the foreground yet. Wait til I start packing. Maybe on the day I head to KLIA =)

But today, now, I think I'm quite ready to take a break from the Japan-China spat over Diaoyu Islands. Imagine God looking at His creations fighting over something He has freely given - to be explored, excavated for the good of all, enjoyed for His glory. Yet, His creations couldn't reach a consensus - oh no, it's belongs to me! No, it's mine! Hmmmm...

Quite thankful that Wen and Kan finally talked. At least something. In the heat of things when I have 6 commentaries lined up, I wish China and Japan would "get married". Yea, go learn about sacrificial love. Forget about the past mistakes and grudges, let go and move forward.

Of course it's easier said than done. Years and years of deep-seated hatred, humiliation, painful scars and perhaps still festering wounds. One claims to have compensated, apologised over and over, repeated expressions of deep remorse. The other saying it's not enough, not sincere, words not supported by behaviour. Having once held on to unforgiveness, bitterness, anger - which I thought were rightfully mine, I am thankful that grace and love have taught me to let go. It's really a yuck concoction - one that so poisons your heart, soul and mind. It wasn't easy, I don't claim to have done it on my own accord, but once you've learnt to release, man, you wonder how you could have held on to it for so long.

"It's not so simple la" - ya, ya, I know it's bilateral relations we're talking about here, with a complicated interweave of diplomatic relations, impregnated with serious economic overtones, affected by nationalistic sentiments. something like that. yea, many times in our human relationships too, "it's not that simple la". then we come up with this and that, and this and that... just to show that it's really not so simple. but is it really that complicated? I'm thankful for a low threshold for complicated things - my system jams up pretty quick, and then I can only throw my hands up in the air and dump everything at the foot of the cross.

At the cross.

Where love unconditional was displayed.

The love that covers over a multitude of sins.

The love that wipes away all anger, all bitterness, all unforgiveness.

The love that opens up the way to freedom.

We're only humans - whether you're the newspaper cutter getting black fingers every morning, or whether you're the Prime Minister of a big country making all the big decisions, trying to pacify your people to retain your position while trying to reconcile with the other uprising big powers. The source of unconditional love can never come from us - we dry up too soon, and our love is tainted, by all sorts of "complicated" human issues. We need to go back to the source of Love - God Himself.

Looking forward to Cape Town. I just hope Kan doesn't resign when I'm away. =)

=)

'nuff said ;p

"What Child is This?"

It's a bit too early for Christmas but it's never too early to start anticipating the excitement of Christmas, and the deeper significance Christmas has for one eh?

As the melodious voices of The Fidelis Singers ring in the comfy living room of the Laws, my mind is transported back to the cold, cold, beautiful white Christmas in Hirosaki and Ajigasawa. Every Christmas has been special in its own way since I came to know the true meaning of Christmas (that's when the Christmas story became my very own story too) but I guess having been a tropical girl all my life, a snow-white Christmas is hard to forget. Where it's freezing to the bones on the outside, but warm and cozy indoors, and in your heart.

2010 has been a very very eventful year - many ups, many downs, the ups making up for the downs. Sometimes I wonder if there's too many things happening, that I don't have sufficient time to savour and reflect on every important event of 2010. I'm being reminded that "only 1 thing is needed" and that is to sit @ His feet, and enjoy Him, being thankful for His faithfulness in bringing me through every season, and for the precious gifts He has bestowed upon me. Gifts, big and small. The biggest being the Saviour Himself - the gift of life in abundance in Him, who came 2000+ years ago as a tiny little helpless baby, wrapped in cloth, asleep in a manger.

And oh, what joyous news!!! That an old friend of almost 9 years has finally accepted this very precious Gift! A gift is not yours until you own it. And this Gift is just right there, waiting for you to reach out and claim Him as your own, just as He has given up His life for you. So dude, better late than never. May this Christmas come alive to you, that you may appreciate the significance of this Christmas story, and know that the Christmas story is your story too.

Passing through Bangkok on 15 Sept?

Go grab your cuppa!

@ Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok

whirlwind~

The whirlwind is fast subsiding. As the final waves swept over me, I am reminded of what Ajith Fernando wrote:

Beware of the sacrifice of family on the altar of service.

Beware of the sacrifice of (quality) time alone with God on the altar of busyness.

Beware of the sacrifice of the Word of God on the altar of experience.

Beware of the sacrifice of holiness on the altar of giftedness.

Beware of the sacrifice of integrity on the altar of money.

Beware indeed. I need to slow down, find a place to hide and reflect.

"Do you get attach?"

On the very final day of a 3.5-weekends journey, I was posed this question.

"No..."

It's only been 3.5 weekends! Of course not! But something struck and I finished my answer truthfully:

"I don't allow myself to."

What revelation. So I learnt another thing about myself. Probably not something very new but it's not something I thought I'd have to face at this point of time.

With the ongoing mobile lifestyle, perhaps it's already ingrained in me that I don't expect to settle down. Or maybe, much as I want to, I can't. Don't know how to. Perhaps my mind tells me I'm here for a while, but subconsciously I hold people at an arm's length. So that when nobody misses you, it doesn't hurt, and when you have to tear yourself away it's not too difficult. After all, we're all pilgrims on the road, and hopefully, if we don't ever meet again here, we'll meet again in heaven.

On the other hand, I've learnt to connect deeply in a short period of time. I thank God for the deeply meaningful, hence, rich, friendships I have. But nothing lasts. People come, people go, we all move on.

Deep meaningful relationships are very enriching. Unfortunately, humans are very apt at hurting one another. Love hurts. Another revelation. It's crazy that the people you love most are the ones that hurt you the most. The people you allow to come closest to you are the ones you're inviting to pierce a sword through your heart. It's even more crazy that when you love someone, you end up hurting that someone. Forget the warm fuzzy feelings (I was told it's never about that in the first place) - love is cross-shaped, love til it hurts ya.

3.5 weekends. Much as I didn't allow myself to get very attached, if any at all, there was still a sinking feeling.

"but have not love"

Have you loved today?

needs to concentrate!

...but my mind is everywhere!

the breath of fresh air wasn't as refreshing as I thought it would be. But nevertheless that must have been the answer to prayer(s). If only I'm not so fuzzy in the head and unsure. Takes faith to just step forward.

I enjoyed the night drive. Past cities and cities and cities. It was a nice feeling racing through the highways... but I caught myself squinting. Maybe I shouldn't drive when my eyes are tired. Or at least not drive so fast. Or... I can have another cuppa as I drive! =) Reminded me of the times I cycled furiously down Hirosaki streets, where the chill was cool and refreshing. I remember I used to have this fear of venturing too far out, whether by bicycle or on foot, lured by the unfamiliar unknown that lies ahead, so much so that I wouldn't know the way home or I'd be too tired to turn around and go home. The idea of being out there alone without the strength to move forward or to turn back scared me endless.

But now... it's just stepping on the accelerator and following road signs. Or so it seems. Nah, it's more than that, it's Him who has never failed to bring me "home", wherever that much needed refuel station had been. As I cruised by unfamiliar sights and zoomed through unknown highways, the welcoming embrace of familiarity entering my view again is a reminder that no matter where, what, how, He'll get me "home" - wherever that "home" might be.

The answer to the prayer(s)?

Be realistic.

Don't expect too much.

Love lots for love covers over a multitude of sins.

Keep moving forward.

Pray ceaselessly.

When one part suffers, the whole body suffers. Unfortunately, it's not until that one part suffers and malfunctions that the rest of the body realises how important that part of the body is. So now it's the right hand and the left hand. How the left hand wishes it can pull the right hand along! But I guess the left hand will just have to be patient and wait, and when the right hand is ok again then we'll get moving. In the meantime, the left hand will just wait.

Very random. If only I can throw all these aside and concentrate. *breathes in*

soar.run.walk.

"Once you stop, it's difficult to start again."

How true. Last I ran/jog/walk was @ SC's. Doing 10km was unprecedented for me, the achievement was kinda sweet, but short-lived. And I never ran ever since.

soar. run. walk. isaiah 40:31. better to be walking than not at all. If I wanna attempt 21km next year, I better start walking today, run tomorrow... and hopefully soar next year.

another week!

I got up this morning thinking - "what classes have I got today? Can I skip?"

Then I remembered, I'm no longer a student.

Getting out of bed seems to get harder these days. Uncle David explained that our bodies are wired to work only 6 days, with a day designated for Sabbath rest. Money work is work. But not doing money work doesn't necessarily mean rest.

What is the colour of autumn and where is the fragrance of spring?

How I long to worship Him amidst the beauty of His creation!

*smile*

tired, but I'm all smiles. =)

it's been another crazy hectic day, rushing from one appointment to another. one of those days where there's so much I haven't done, I was trying to squeeze in time here and there, steal little snippets here and there to cram/do whatever last minute work I can manage.

and of course, I was running behind time all the time. it took some effort to calm myself down and remind myself that all I could do was... pray. The cars in front wouldn't move any faster, the red light wouldn't turn green any faster... there's nothing I could do to change the situation, except to pray.

Interestingly, I got to my first destination right on the dot. and being in Malaysia, that meant I was only the 2nd person to arrive. I relaxed and breathed my thanks to Him who kept me safe and restrained me from driving like a mad person.

Destination #2. Slow traffic again on a Sat lunch hour. Didn't help when I suddenly found the roads that I've just got accustomed to in Brickfields all changed to one-way streets, not in the direction I would normally take. Man, that means I have to crawl along the traffic and take a big round before I reach my destination? I'm gonna miss my timing, I'm gonna be late. Or so I thought. Then a turning on my right caught my eye - made a sudden decision to try that turning, thankfully no cars came head-on (it's pretty confusing not to know which is the right way anymore!), and voila! I found my intended destination just right in front of me.

To get to the next appointment for the night, thankfully the last, I had to leave right after Kairos. I pulled all the wires out, grabbed all my stuff and fled for my car - only to find that the whole carpark was jammed up with carsssssss, with 2 cars parked right at the entrance blocking the way out. I couldn't believe my eyes. If there's a fire we would all be nicely grilled. There's a big wedding going on in the church and well... someone just decided it's ok to park right in front of the only entrance into the church. Again, I could only pray and wait. pray and wait. pray and wait. I contemplated missing the last appointment altogether, which incidentally was also a wedding - I'm gonna miss my timing again, either I wouldn't be able to make it or I'll be super duper late. Perhaps I could cheer myself up with the famous Brickfields mamak food, but I felt the thing to do was to "pray and wait".

After some time, the car owner came and removed his nice big BMW. the 2nd car moved. and voila! I found myself turning round and round in circles in Brickfields following the one-way streets. Eventually I got directed out of the maze, got caught in another jam... ... ...

BUT.

eventually, I got home and reached where I was supposed to go right on time.

It baffles me that someone who drives a BMW would think it's ok to park his car right in front of a main gate and block the only entrance to the whole compound. But as I thought about the events of the day, I could almost hear God whispering into my ear...

"Pssst... I never miss a timing".

5 loaves & 2 fishes

All "that" is taking its toll on me.

Even before anything has started I'm already too tired. "Staring" at the mental image of my plate, I'm not sure I wanna take any step forward. Not that going backward is an available option.

I suspect it's all in the mind. plus a bit of PMS. hmmmmm.

5 loaves & 2 fishes by Corrinne May

A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school

He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look

Thousands were listening to the stories of one man

He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night

Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight

The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had

He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus

The kindness in His smile

And the boy cried out

With the trust of a child

He said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes

Do with it as you will

I surrender

Take my fears and my inhibitions

All my burdens, my ambitions

You can use it all to feed them all"

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small

And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands

And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have

Oh Lord, you can work miracles

All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes

Do with it as you will

I surrender

Take my fears and my inhibitions

All my burdens, my ambitions

You can use it all

I hope it's not too small

I trust in you

I trust in you

So take my five loaves and two fishes

Do with it as you will

I surrender

Take my fears and my inhibitions

All my burdens, my ambitions

You can use it all

No gift is too small

*****************************

I'm not sure how much of those 5 loaves and 2 fishes are left, but take it and do with it as you will.

Worship

"Worship is the nourishment of the mind upon God's truth.

Worship is the quickening of the conscience by God's holiness.

Worship is the cleansing of the imagination by God's beauty.

Worship is the response of my life to God's plan for my life."

-Sir William Temple, 17th century diplomat & author

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe" -Hebrews 12:28

Let my heart be wholly Thine.

"but have not love"

Do you hear the resounding gong?

Clanging cymbal?

Empty words or genuine desire?

Daily Breakthrough by Rod Parsley

Pursuit Is Proof

Thursday, 15 July 2010 12:00 AM EDT

As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. —Psalm 42:1

I told a friend of mine one time that I would love to play the piano like he did. He replied, "No you wouldn't. If you really wanted to play the piano you would be taking lessons and practicing every chance you could. Are you doing those things?"

Well, no, I wasn't. If I really wanted to play the piano I would have been taking some action and making some plans instead of just talking about it. When you really want something, you pursue it with your whole heart.

You say that you want the things of God, you want to operate in the gifts of the Holy Spirit and you want to have an anointing on your life—but are you pursuing Him? Are you climbing the mountain of God and, like Jacob, refusing to let go until He blesses you? When was the last time you spent time in prayer and in the Word?

Pursue Him with all your might. The proof of your desire is in your pursuit. The pursuit of God will lead to holiness, purity, passion, zeal, and power in your life.

Read more: http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/newsletters/daily-devotionals/daily-breakthroughs/22545-pursuit-is-proof#ixzz0u7zBBe6g

************************************************************************

"Remember"

"Experiencing God is like riding a roller coaster that never ends but gets better with each curve. He smiles with delight and enjoyment when He gazes on each one of us." -Mike Bickle

I've been prompted to REMEMBER - different parts of the journey, different scenes of the movie starring God and me, other characters that come and go, some disappear, some remain.

"Experiencing God is like riding a roller coaster that never ends"

most of the time we remember the downs more than the ups. many times we're so caught up with now, we don't remember yesterday. But as I allowed myself to be brought down memory lane, what was came back to mind and I am filled with thankfulness, to the point of tears. Kinda taken aback by the tears, which sprang out without any prior warning, triggered by an sms received @ 2am, read @ 4am. Tears, no longer of despair and sorrow, but tears of gratitude, tears which reminded me of His unfailing love, His goodness and His faithfulness - which build another layer of foundation for the challenges of tomorrow.

"but gets better with each curve"

Sometimes I'm afraid of the uphills - for fear that it leads to another deeper downhill. But really, I need a perspective change - I need to see that the downhills are preparation for the uphills, not the other way round. And no downhills are unnecessary. Yes, it gets better with each curve, and when I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to tell myself through gritted teeth that it's there whether I see it or not, and even if it takes forever to get there, I will get there.

"He smiles with delight and enjoyment when He gazes on each one of us."

The image of Christ gazing on His bride, the Church has been on my mind a lot lately. I find myself enjoying weddings these days - they're a foreshadow of the day He presents us to Himself as the radiant bride. & the smile, bursting forth with such great joy, on the bride's face is an indication of what it's meant to be when we really get to know Him. Ahhh... such is the treasure of the sheer joy and pleasure of knowing Him.

green pastures. a hut. a stream/waterfall. a cow.

Beautiful relaxing image ain't it? I could almost lie down on the grass, hear the water flowing, feel the breeze against my cheek.

Except that reality couldn't be more different - pounding head, tensed shoulders, congested air passageway. signs of stress? maybe.

"you never write about happy days"

true. there were happy days. lots too. ok days are good as well. and in spite of everything, today's a good day!

and now I shall head for green pastures, where there's a hut, a stream/waterfall. and a cow. hmmmm... medium rare? ;p

what's stopping me?

with a nose dripping like a tap (I finished 100 sheets of 2 ply tissue today!) and a groggy mind... I have perfect reasons to be on MC tomorrow.

even if I don't go see elephants in Pahang with my MC, even if I don't run off and do other things with my MC...

a quiet day of rest sounds good.

so what's stopping me?

unwanted

when broken homes and separation affect not only humans, but innocent, unknowing pets as well.






Elmo: 2-year-old male Shih Tzu looking for loving owner (s). Very obedient, albeit very active and playful. Would make a great companion - seeking lots and lots of love and companionship (sits quietly next to you when you watch TV).


why wouldn't I keep him?


It's not fair to the cat.


He reminds me too much of myself. Way too much.

BE STILL & KNOW...

In a time and place where people just tell you to serve, serve, serve, do something, do this, do that...

OK. Maybe they don't tell you, but they encourage you to be active and put your youthful vigour to good use, and make 101 requests.

OK. Maybe not 101 requests, but... yea.

OK. Maybe it's not like that at all. But sometimes it sure feels like it.

It's quite telling to have 2 big figures in your life of this season to tell you, "yes, on one hand, keep going, but what's more important now is to BE STILL, and KNOW that HE IS GOD."

BE still. Instead, I've gone the other way with "BE zee" (busy).

sigh.

2010 - a dreamy year

I've been thinking a lot about "dreams" lately. Not specific dreams that I've been having, but a general sense of "dreams".

As I took the long weekend off, the fresh breath of air has helped to close a year long's nightmare. With finality I hope. It's a burden that's finally been lifted, I no longer wish to even remember any ounce of it. Whether or not things have been resolved properly, only God knows. I'm too good at having selective memory - I don't think I remember much of the nightmare anymore.

Last weekend I entered into another dream. A beautiful beautiful dreamland where your sorrows or troubles are gone momentarily - you sell them off at a price once you step into this dreamland. In my case, it was a treat of a lifetime. It almost felt like an invitation, an alluring invitation.

And then...

As with all good things, the weekend came to an end. I suppose it's not really fair to say that all good things come to an end. Bad things come to an end too, in fact, everything comes to an end, just that time flies when u're having a good time, but time seems to be dragging its feet when u're not. Towards the end of the dream, I knew that this good dream is giving way to reality and soon enough, I'll be returning to broken dreams.

So I've closed a nightmare - I have one less bad dream to deal with. Yet I cannot run away from the longstanding lingering bad dream. It felt like I was waking up from a good dream into a broken one. Well, at least it's not too depressing yet, 'cos like all good dreams, bad dreams come to an end too, and broken dreams will give way to mended dreams... where every tear will be wiped away and there shall be no more death, no more sorrow, no more crying, no more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Let me press on and persevere in this dream, until I finally wake up again, for the last time.

"The will of God will not bring me where the grace of God cannot keep me."

God of the Impossible

When everything seems impossible...

Japanese subtlety

One of them went back to Japan. Everyone thought it's for some important meeting, really short trip - 2 days off + weekend, total = 4 days.

He came back to work this morning, went round to every dept... with the nice lady from Admin. Imagine the shock they gave when they held up their left hands, shiny silver band on their fourth finger and said "We married".

Whoa. Right under our noses. And some of those noses are especially sharp. But nobody knew! Who knows what happens after 4:30pm? It's like Ben Stiller's "Night at the Museum" - things come alive after 4:30pm!

When probed,

guy: To me, we started in Jan.

girl: To me, only March.

it's only April!

Japanese subtlety - drops bombshells at u, leaving u standing transfixed, mouth open wide, for a few seconds. Well... it's not my first time.

Another one also left for Japan at the same time - for a week! Maybe we'll have to keep a lookout for the left fourth finger when she returns next week...

laughingstock

so I've failed. it feels like the whole world is laughing at me. but I'm sure it's just my imagination. so what if they're laughing? they mocked at my Lord too. that glimmer of hope lines the horizon. yet, it simmers there in that faraway horizon - within sight, yet out of reach. when will it burst forth in glorious hope and pierce through the darkness?

School of Prayer

"Prayer is not a means of removing the unknown and unpredictable elements in life, but rather a way of including the unknown and unpredictable in the outworking of the grace of God in our lives." -Ray Anderson, theologian

Jesus' own prayers for his disciples surely did not remove the 'unknown and unpredictable elements'. ... Eventually, however, eleven of the twelve underwent a slow but steady transformation, providing a kind of long-term answer to Jesus' original prayer. ... The one exception, Judas, betrayed Jesus and yet that very act led to the cross and salvation of the world. In strange and mysterious ways, prayer incorporates the unknown and unpredictable in the outworking of God's grace.

We want God to intervene more decisively, ...Jesus' prayers underscore God's style of restraint out of respect for human freedom.

When I betray the love and grace God has shown me, I fall back on the promise that Jesus prays for me, as he did for Peter: not that I would never face testing, nor ever fail, but that in the end I will allow God to use the testing and failure to mould me into someone more useful to the kingdom, someone more like Jesus.

from the Chapter "Why Pray?", [Prayer - Does it Make Any Difference] by Philip Yancey

I Just Wanna Love You

Simply Love You ~Ginny Owens

Seems that life's become so complicated
I don't think it was meant to be this way
I find myself so distracted
Caught up in the chaos of each day

When did I stop asking for your wisdom?
As if your words were meant for someone else
Why do I choose to second-guess you?
Oh I only frustrate and confuse myself

I just wanna love you, Simply love you
The way it used to be
When your love was new to me
I just wanna love you, simply love you
To hear what you say and live every day
Like you asked me to
I just wanna simply love you

Many times you spoke of us as children
Childhood seems to me so long ago
You say I can trust you like I did then
If I give you my hand you will lead me home

I just wanna love you, Simply love you
The way it used to be
When your love was new to me
I just wanna love you, simply love you
To hear what you say and live every day
Like you asked me to

Oh...to fall on my knees
With the freshest belief
Stirred once again by the story
of how you loved me

I just wanna love you, Simply love you
The way it used to be
When your love was new to me
I just wanna love you, simply love you
To hear what you say and live every day
Like you asked me to
I just wanna simply love you

****

If loving you was that simple.

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other

This Road ~Ginny Owens

A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears
and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe you haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me

And I ask why this road
Why this way and this load
Tell me how far must I go
Til I see, Til I know why this road

A million miles away from anything familiar
What was it like to be so far from home
And though You came in love
the world misunderstood You
There must have been some days when You felt so alone
But You endured 'cause there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times

When I ask why this road
Why this way and this load
Tell me how far must I go
Til I see, Til I know why

From here I cannot see why You choose this path for me
But I don't have to understand to believe
that You know why
You know why this road
Why this way and this load
You know how far I must go
Til I see, Til I know why this road

O The Wonderful Cross

Just read an article - "Share Christ's Sufferings". Reminded me of the time in Japan when we were pondering over the verse Col 1:24. Not just"we" in Japan, but also you, in country Z.

Col 1:24

"Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church."

"It's a cross, not a magic wand."

Amen.

Love is not heart-shaped, but cross-shaped.

Amen.

O the Wonderful Cross...

Bids me Come.

and Die.

and Find.

that I.

may Truly Live.

Am I truly living?

Have I even begun to truly live?

new buddy!!!

My new buddy at work came yesterday when I wasn't in the office. It was nice to have him there, sitting smartly on my desk, beckoning me to start work. His name came when I saw him: Sam. Sleek, elegant, efficient and inviting.

Hehe, this probably sounds silly but yea... I have a new comp @ work, and I'm calling him Sam. Yes, it's a "him". It's funny to think that I'd rather stay on and work, though my boss had told me to go to the doc's (for the MC) and home (for the rest).

Well well... wouldn't do to leave my new buddy alone eh? Gotta spend some quality time with him.

Ahhh... little perks at work.

越走越精彩

是的，与神同步起走唯有越走越精彩。 眼虽看不见，头脑虽摸不着，但信心的双眼直盯在十架上，盼望从基督中索取。

确实对精彩的路程充满期待，却在这一时刻有点累了。可以先稍微休息一下吗？

It's a hymn!

Begone, unbelief; my Savior is near,
and for my relief will surely appear;
by prayer let me wrestle, and he will perform;
with Christ in the vessel, I smile at the storm.

Though dark be my way, since he is my guide,
'tis mine to obey, 'tis his to provide;
though cisterns be broken and creatures all fail,
the word he has spoken shall surely prevail.

His love in time past forbids me to think
he'll leave me at last in trouble to sink;
while each Ebenezer I have in review
confirms his good pleasure to help me quite through.

Why should I complain of want or distress,
temptation or pain? He told me no less;
the heirs of salvation, I know from his word,
through much tribulation must follow their Lord.

How bitter that cup, no heart can conceive,
which he drank right up that sinners might live;
his way was much rougher and darker than mine;
did Jesus thus suffer, and shall I repine?

Since all that I meet shall work for my good,
the bitter is sweet, the med'cine is food;
though painful at present, 'twill cease before long;
and then, O how pleasant the conqueror's song!

Amen.

Divine Guide

Begone unbelief, my Savior is near,
And for my relief will surely appear;
By prayer let me wrestle and He will perform;
With Christ in the vessel, I smile at the storm.

Though dark be my way, since He is my guide
'Tis mine to obey, 'tis His to provide;
Though cisterns be broken and creatures all fail,
The word He hath spoken shall surely prevail.

~John Newton

School of Pain

Many times, I've eyed my Lord through my tears from the corner of my eye, wondering if He really knew how I felt. yea... sure, He knows pain, but what about the kind of pain I'm having?

His pain sounds noble.

Mine? I probably deserve it, such a wretched fallen sinner.

Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."
-Matthew 26:38

During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.
-Hebrews 5:7

Loud cries and tears. From the deep recesses of his heart. He was heard. But was he spared the cross?

"Not my will but Yours be done"

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death"
-Philippians 3:10

"Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church."
-Colossians 1:24

I'm not doing exegesis here, pardon me if I'm out of context. But now, I'm slowly learning - that instead of asking:

"Does He understand my pain?"

I ask - "Have I understood His?"

it's just a passing phase

as suddenly as it came, it left.

so I'm ok again, things are ok - and I'll brace myself for the next wave.

God has funny ideas...

So you're allowing Him freedom to write His Story with your life, the way He would have it, as much as your sinful wretched self could hand over control to Him. It's quite an exciting journey really, chapter by chapter, you learn to trust Him more, you learn to let go and allow Him more control. Until you realize that, hey! that pencil you're holding together with Him has two sharpened ends! and even as you continue to allow Him to write this story, the other sharpened end facing you seems to be jabbing hard at you and it so pierces your heart.

Sorry. Didn't mean to make Him out as a sadistic maniac. No, no... He's the loving Father, whose love never fails. It's when we're so selfishly focused on our own pains and hurts that we forget who He really is. After all, we need someone to throw our anger at. So there goes. Yet, He's the meek and gentle Lamb, who never answers back, who takes every insult hurled at Him, and looks back at us with eyes filled with love.

"I'm lost in wonder,

lost in love,

lost in praise forevermore.

Because of Jesus' unfailing love,

I'm forgiven,

I am restored."

I need restoration. And I need to lose myself in wonder, in love and in praise for Him once more.

So I hit the Wall a while ago. And in the process of thinking, it came to realization that it's when things are the toughest, when you go through fire and storm with someone that relationship is built and refined. So if He wouldn't speak when things are ok, or maybe I just wasn't listening, or receptive enough to hear Him, then let me ask for trouble, let me ask for more pain, let me ask for difficult times. Just so that I am close to Him once again. Was it Lewis that said pain is God's loudspeaker?

And guess what? He doesn't tarry to answer those sort of prayers.

Yea, God seems to have funny ideas. I don't understand His ways - fair enough, His ways and thoughts are way higher than mine. Years of being on my own has taught me a lot about the self's defense mechanism. It's up on high alert mode now. One's gotta fend for oneself, no? So you put up a fight, until you realize that the One you're fighting against is the One you can trust. But it's not so easy to let go, so maybe I'll keep fighting until I'm too tired to keep up. Better be sooner than later.

Sigh. For you who think I have too many good stories to tell, this is a glimpse of what it's like before the best parts come around, those parts you get to hear. I'm no saint, the road ain't easy, but the victory is sure. As long as we allow Him to work...

女人一生中最珍贵的东西

As the ladies were comparing their LVs and Coaches, one of them remarked:

"女人一生中一定要有一样珍贵的东西”

true.

As I looked at their LV and Coach, I thought: "Give me my JC!"

To my fellow coffee drinkers...

*cheers*

突然に。。。

。。。日本語の勉強に戻りたい。日本語で話したい。日本で会った友達からメッセージを読んで、本当に懐かしいなあああ。。。

Looking for distractions?

”ただいま！”

I'm home! =)

It's been a long long while since it felt so good to be "home". Not a mere initial-phase kinda excitement bubble that bursts when reality sets in, but a deeper sense of joy - even when the reality cards are out on display.

The saying goes: "Home is where the heart is". I'm not sure if I've quite found my heart yet, but it's been handed over to the Healer, to the One who makes me whole. Home isn't really about a geographical location, nor a familiar structure one grew up in. I might even go as far as to say (and risk criticism) - perhaps it's not the people either. Home is... being where He wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do. But wait... perhaps my heart has taken a step ahead of me and found its resting place in its Maker.

I'm home! =)

What's in a name?

Walking down the coffee aisle on my first trip to Tesco Malaysia, it was pretty amusing to find this particular brand of coffee I've never seen or heard before.

The name?

"Kanasai Cafe Slim".

I can understand if this particular brand of coffee came from Japan, but no, it's from Malaysia.

hmmmmm... I'm not sure I wanna have Kanasai coffee.

U-turn

"The U-turn will surely come, it's just whether we hang around or cling on long enough until it does."

I said that tonight.

On one hand, it's a U-turn for which we wait, not knowing how else to make it happen by our own wisdom or ability - one that we need an external agent to turn us around. But on the other, it's a choice we make. Perhaps, in many cases, it is first a CHOICE we make, and then the external agent gets re:ACT1v8d to usher us into the full U-turn proper.

Do you need to make a U-turn today?

the Wall

I feel like I've been facing this Wall for a while. It's not an intimidating Wall at all, in fact, it's a nice sturdy, even dependable, trustworthy Wall. Sounds good eh? But... it's still a Wall. I think I've been trying to remove this Wall... but after a while, I'm beginning to wonder, perhaps this Wall is meant to be here. Whether I like it or not, whether I kick, scream or cry, it's here to stay, so might as well get used to it and move with it rather than trying to tear it down. After all, life needs to go on. No more trying to march around the Wall 7 times. Just keep walking with it and perhaps, someday, the Wall will just talk to me.

who understands the heart of a father?

No one, except the Father Himself.

and only the Father Himself understands that searing pain I've just seen.

I didn't do very well today. Just when I thought things are heading uphill and ppl are telling me that some things have changed, in me...

Not that that ain't true. In fact, it IS true - and it is only through trials and challenges that those changes get tested, refined, and strengthened.

So what if I didn't fight my battles very well today? So what if I feel kinda bla now? I will still choose to go to bed and end the day praising Him.

I still don't have many answers. I don't have any answers in fact. I still don't know what to do. I am tempted to give in and crumble - but that, is learned behavior. Instead, I will rise, because He has called my name. I will rise on eagle's wings:

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

"I Will Rise" - Chris Tomlin

As someone puts it, I'm no longer a Kancil. I'm a Humvee. just found out that's short for High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll do better tomorrow. In Him, I will.

2010!!!

*close eyes*

*breathe in*

*pause*

*smiles*

Favourite drink of the year: Barley.