good for nothing

i've been feeling sluggish. it's quite surprising how u can lose all your oomph in just a few days. or maybe there isn't much ommph to start with so there's nothing much to lose anyway.

wat good is salt if it loses its saltiness? wat good am i being such a sluggish, non-responsive, lukewarm person?

nothing. no good at all.

i'm just drifting through each day. yea, i'm still living one day at a time, but it's more like i'm living minimally. wat's the point then? why am i wasting precious life? i think i deserve to be chuck into the rubbish bin and be forgotten forever. oh, maybe the skip we had for J week street cleaning would be a good place. nice and big. real yucky and smelly too. who said nz is nice and clean? think again. student city? think harder.

"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as u have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but do imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."
(Hebrews 6:10-12 )

Help me out in this eh. Either gif me a kick in the butt, or just throw me into the rubbish skip...

response @ 3am: spiritual passion - inside out

d sermon Ps. Alex (ACTS church) gave on "Spiritual Passion - from the inside out" really hit right on every nail that I have. not just hit right, but each was hit hard. can't rmb the last time every single thing a pastor said was so directed to me. I can see clearly how God has been trying to reach me, just that I've built up a filter system and was just filtering Him off. Ps Alex's sermon was like a big quilt where He fitted all the bits and pieces other ppl ard me have been giving me (indeed there wasn't anything I haven't heard before, just din let them convict me)... and they fitted nicely in Ps Alex's sermon.

Your passion has to be a long term, a sustaining one that can go on for the long-haul. It's a passion that comes from the inside out, not from the outside in. On Sun, Bob said, passion is the foundation of every vision. No wonder I lost the vision. Very early on too.

I identified with the lost soul tt's trying to catch up with wat my body's been doing faithfully, yet passionlessly.

Let's your passion be coupled with purpose! Let it be with substance!

Psalm 131:2 - the picture of REST, of CONTENTMENT, of STILLNESS before the Lord...

v3 goes on to say "hope in the Lord, this time forth and FOREVERMORE"

Don't add God into your equation of everyday life. He's the CENTER of it ALL! He is the REASON, the SOURCE of my everything! I need to depend on Him, and He is my contentment.

"When you find ME, you find joy, you find rest, you find salvation, you find strength! from the INSIDE OUT!"

Know God frm the Inside out, depend on God for rest, for contentment, and u'll be at peace!

those sense of rushes, from one busyness to the next, the isolation ("leave me alone"), tt sense of restlessness (frm street cleaning to hot choc to cleaning up to prayer bus launch)... SLOW DOWN! we need to discover our brakes in life! slow down INTENTIONALLY!

Jeremiah 2:13 - some ppl (like me) have taken for themselves cisterns that cannot hold water. v18 booms at me "WHY go ALL over the place when you can come back and draw water from God, the living spring?"

Passion-threatening conditions:

• hangovers! --- depressed, isolation, totally drained out --- Elijah ran into the cave (sounds familiar) and he wanted to die! (I din dare blog it out, but when things weren't going right, and oh, how minor things get magnified! i sulked and told God, yea, let everything come and then all these will kill me and all will be good")
• driving around with empty fuel tanks and ur car just run out of fuel! y do we allow ourselves to run on empty tanks?
• distorted conditions --- stop taking up things that u're not supposed to! --- God wants to do something deep in our lives! He wants to take us on for the long haul! take care of your inner life that makes the difference!
• devastated condition --- when ppl leave you/when ppl say things tt hurt u --- perhaps tt's y i get hurt so easily these days?

HOW? WHAT NOW?

1. ACKNOWLEDGE your soul fatigue! Just tell God and admit tt you're tired and then DEAL with it! Ugh. Time to put down my pride. It's embarrassing to admit tt I don't even last for 1 semester. It's embarrassing to admit that even after the hols, I'm still not OK. but tt's pretty evident anyway ain't it? who am i kidding?
2. Prepare against passion-threatening conditions: no matter wat, GUARD that SPACE with the LORD, GET INTO that space with the Lord. you NEED it!
3. Mentor your inner life: allow God to water the garden of your inner life! your passion must carry on for the lifetime. not just for today, for tomorrow, for the week, for the year...

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God"

• it's not about giving tt slot of time every morning to God and that's it for the rest of the day (indeed He knows everything I do)
• put Him at the CENTER of your day! at the CENTER of your EVERYTHING!
• "... and all these things shall be added unto you"

i thank Him for the ppl He has placed in this stretch of narrow road that I'm on... the ppl that has given me those pieces of quilt, and finally, He arranged for a sermon from KL to the reach the ears of the stubborn one in the wops wops of New Zealand, and put all those pieces together to make one big quilt...

I will sing praises unto my God and King, all the days of my life! He has not forgotten me, and has not left me to die... Blessed be His holy Name!

rooted and established in love

"And I pray that you,
being rooted and established in love,
may have power, together with all the saints,
to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,
and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—
that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
-Ephesians 3:18-19

BE ROOTED AND ESTABLISHED IN LOVE.

i'm really thankful for the encouraging ppl that God has put in my way. A dear sister has shared this with me and ya, it's really a good testimony of God's goodness she's tasting at the moment. We may not be joyful at all times but as the joy of the Lord fills her heart, it is unmistakable...

"btw i'm bursting with joy at the moment. *beams like an idiot* "

I can so imagine her splashing around the bouts of joy... dancing gleefully in absolute gladness... how beautiful! and of course, there's the stupid smile too... *grin* may I wear that stupid smile with the right reasons...

"Live for ME"

d past couple of days had been so ugh. i had wanted to get out of this ugh-ness yet I'm so caught in it I dunno how to get out...

I tried to go back to the Lord yet there's sthing missing.

"Live for Me"...

ok. but where do I start? i don't even know which is the right path anymore. more like, I don't know which road You want me to walk anymore. How did it become such a blur?

Perhaps I think too much. Can I detach my thoughts, my emotions and walk ahead blindly? For now it certainly seems like a good idea. All the thoughts, emotions are too draining. If only I don't feel. Perhaps for ppl like me it's better not to think, not to feel. For now, it seems like a good idea if I'm just a robot. A machine.

Ya, i guess i try too hard. Why even bother in the first place?

"Live for Me."

huh???

leave me alone

i'm not sure who to direct this to, but yea, leave me alone...

haf u ever felt like u wanna leave everything and go to some far far away place and not think about anything?

i feel like running into the cave that elijah ran into. there in the dark dark cave i'll be left alone. yet i hear God asking me:" What are you doing here, My girl?"

can I say to Him: "Leave me alone. I just wanna be left alone for a while."?

Perhaps I should just head to bed. His mercies are new every morning and tmr will be a brand new day in Him... There is hope, isn't there?

counting the cost

the road ahead is narrow, bumpy...

road lamps are flickering. it's supposed to be clear and bright and even joyful, yet the human mind filters that and allowed the road lamps to flicker...

thorns everywhere pricking u, slashing u... the cross is heavy and the weight can almost crush you... every step is painful...

Didn't our Lord Jesus Christ walk through that path?

and here i stand, at the crossroad. is there really no other way? knowing wat lies ahead, dare i take that step forward? perhaps i'll end up walking through each day in tears, is that the road paved for me?

yet, His promise is that there'll only be one set of footprints on the sand. And as He carries me on this path, He'll be there to wipe away every tear that falls from my eyes, as each and every tear is precious to Him...

just gotta learn

out of 3 clashes, i chose to attend a lecture that wasn't of any papers tt i'm taking...

it's supposed to be helpful for my assignment...

something abt managerial management (i know it sounds weird, but i can't rmb wat it was actually abt).

initially i thought it was a waste of time and i wondered if i made the right decision in choosing to attend this lecture. i thought my time could have been put to better use if i had went to my own lectures instead... but then again i was also secretly pleased tt i din have to sit in my ling lect for 2 hrs...

how is the lecture content useful to my assignment, i'm not sure. but i did learn some stuff abt myself...

abt how i'm lousy at handling stress and busyness...

the business world (it's a business management lecturer) is such a busy busy busy world. it gave me the kinda feeling that once i step out into the world and get my hands wet at working, it's just gonna go on n on n on and it's not gonna stop. unless i find someone to marry now and then i might possibly be able to just sit at home and take care of the kids. nah. unlikely.

so wat's the difference between the non-stop-until-u-learn-to-prioritise-and-say-no-graciously in the working world, and the same non-stop-until-u-learn-to-prioritise-and-say-no-graciously student life + ministry? dare i even add ministry to the earlier formula? by His grace I pray that I will.

the thing is, it's gonna be like tt no matter where i go, wat i do. i can't live in my days of holidaying-in-KL, travelling ard the world all-is-awesome life, all the time all my life. the reality is, there's always so much to do it's not gonna stop. the earth is not gonna stop spinning just because I'm tired or just not up to it. i gotta learn to say no now to be able to say it better in future. i gotta learn to handle the stress now to stand longer in future. i gotta learn to manage my time better and prioritise properly now to save myself from the vicious cycle of burning out every so often.

yet, not by my own strength nor wisdom nor anything tt comes from me (how can anything good come from me?) but may the Spirit of God lead me in His ways, that I might pursue life in abundance in the fullness of Christ.

something fishy

lunch @ Anthony's was awesome. I love the Carribean soup. Had my breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper at one go. Kinda gave me a sense of community. There was once an image painted for me: community attending morning service together, community lunch, perhaps community sports/leisure stuff/garden walk followed by tea, and then the community comes back for congregational worship in the evening. Such is the beauty of living in a community. Today, i got a slight taste of that.

No time? Ain't Sundays meant to be Sabbaths? Enjoy your day with the Lord! Enjoy your day with the community of the Lord! Be one in Christ and unite your hearts in Him!

Word of caution: be sure to check who's going to Anthony's and see if he's got the professional photographer to come later during the day.

Anthony: we just gotta trust in HIS timing eh? u might wanna double-check with the Lord... ;p

slow & easy

saturday. i allowed myself to sleep in after a whole week of 8am. i'm not sure when to start my sabbath cos there's so much readings awaiting me and i'm almost tempted to convince myself that reading academic articles could be classified as leisure reading (ya, plus a good cuppa on a comfy couch, it might just be!) so it's ok to do tt for my sabbath. or maybe i can count sleeping in as taking up sabbath time, and church tmr plus lunch at anthony's, so tt makes up a full sabbath eh?

dreamt tt mum came unannounced. i was horrified cos she would know exactly how busy i am and how most of the busyness comes from J-week n ocf stuff. but i reckon this sem's a better balance of uni work and ocf/j-week stuff. at least i'm not leaving everything until after J-week. would be too late by then. it's a challenge not to neglect studies but at least i'm trying to prevent the scale frm being totally tipped on one side. but mum being mum, said it's ok, she's here to cook for me and do all the domestic chores for me. feel so blessed. although it's just a dream, i know very well that if not for financial constraints, mum would do exactly that. such is her love for me. just got off the phone with her. i miss eating proper meals. din realise that eating properly would require such discipline. ugh.

here's my new found friend. tamago-san. he's becoming a good good friend.

open him up, fill in some water, chuck an egg inside and put him into the microwave and watch him turn round and round. 3 mins for half boiled, 5 mins for hard boiled.

the only shortcoming: the half-boiled egg isn't very hot. or maybe it's the weather here that cools it down quite a bit. but ah well, tt'll do...

awol.long wrap up.

sorry for the long silence. somehow, i just stopped blogging. well... it started off with grandma shifting away. so there's no wifi to curi from. oh, i think i stopped before then. was busy errr... enjoying kl? ;p

so that's my hols in malaysia. it's an up-and-down journey but i was quite ready to leave when it was time to go. prob the extension made things better. for once, no tears in klia ;p i reckon it's when ppl send me off at the airport that makes me tear. not at the send-off location, i can hold myself pretty well until i get on the aerotrain...

bloom conference was really good. initially i was hoping it won't be a whole lot of bgr stuff (i thought i've learnt frm joshua harris - enough to last me for the while). it wasn't. the love language session was pretty cool. i was surprised by my own love language. maybe i'm just one confused person. hehehe...

"don't carry too much baggages into your relationships."

yea, it's unfair that other ppl have to carry your baggages. even if they're willing to. leave it. at the foot of the cross.

"And I worship you, Lord,
my life in You restored.
Here is my heart,
make it Your sanctuary,
for nobody else but Jesus,
only You."

Indeed, God will lead us into the healing process. Let Jesus heal you...
there's hope because restoration comes from God.

security.self-worth.significance.

ALL FOUNDED IN CHRIST!

"Your past don't dictate your present and your future. Let go of the past!"

Amen.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" -2 Corinthians 5:17

oh yes, there's also the beauty of synergy effect...

*dreams*

ok, back to earth.

Bloom conference kinda marked the turning point for me. Perhaps I was still burnt frm last sem, and i din really know how to recover. It was a time of trashing myself, guilt, unworthiness, etc etc etc. I hear ppl say "don't be too hard on urself...". ok, but how?

after conference, things got better. perhaps i decided to make the decision to move on. but have i really dealt with the issues at hand? not really. not thinking abt them, not praying abt them doesn't mean they're gone & all is good.

i din know how to deal with them eh. so i left it. and made up my mind to enjoy the rest of my hols in KL. after all, my days of mango-breakfasts and papaya-milk morning teas and japanese buffets and coffee-&-book in sbux comfy couch are short. and they're getting shorter by the day.

thank God for the good times. the fun times. the food times. the family times. the friends times. the crazy, filled with tension, yet everything turned out well time. wat a testimony. i'm still young. need to do sthing crazy. how abt being radical for God?

TSCF Conference - "back to the cross".

i wasn't sure if i was ready for it. i prayed and ask God to speak to me, that I want to hear from Him. i don't want it to be just any other conference. So far, He's been faithful. Likewise in this conference, He worked wonders...

I wasn't too sociable. still quite tired. and cold. metabolic rate decreased. supposed to be mingling but had lotsa talks with beets. it's disguised as "catching up and planning" but really, i think she gave me really good pep talks. to sort out my thoughts for me. anthony was a gem too. and the few other really meaningful conversations i had. my AHA! moments...

i rmb the first few days i was there, i would linger in the hall as the music continued to allow ppl to reflect. i would just sit there, even after most ppl had left, and wished i could stay there longer, perhaps i might catch something. there was something in the air, but somehow i've missed it.

The cry got a bit more urgent, a bit more desperate. Lord, wat are You saying to me? Has my heart hardened?

then the most beautiful message came. the most beautiful message in a long long time. i just can't stop raving about it. i was just so blessed and encouraged. I wish the speaker didn't cared abt going overtime, he was so fast! I wanted to hear more, I wanted the message through him to sink in more, that I could etch it in my memory for a long long time to come. In His grace and mercy, God refreshed my perspective of the cross. It's so easy to talk abt the cross every Easter, and every so often but not really allow it speak to you. This time, it struck. I've never felt so liberated before. Perhaps i've never truly understood wat it really means. This time, i found freedom in Christ! I am free! I felt so free that I wanted to spread my wings and fly!

I guess I didn't get the whole message right. So God sent Anthony to sort me out. I was ready to literally fly and pursue that freedom. Anthony linked that freedom with service. ok, so my freedom kinda tied me to the bondage of self-gratification. ops. but Anthony really cleared that up for me. I am 100% convinced that God sent Anthony from St. Lucia to Dunedin for us. What a blessing!

All my thoughts that I've buried during the pre-bloom conference days came back. Not to haunt me, but because the solution is here. The image remains vivid: me, kicking and screaming, fighting with myself: "I can't. I'm not good enough. I stink." Jesus, with open arms, "I did enough." finally, I collapsed into His arms: "Yes Lord, YOU've DONE EVERYTHING. Your grace is sufficient for me." May the message remain powerful til the day comes when I lie in His loving arms.

and of course, after you're restored, you get challenged.

"Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"

"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

(John 21:15)

DO YOU LOVE ME?

Howard Guinness:

Where are the young men and women of this generation who will hold their lives cheap and be faithful even unto death?
Where are those who will lose their lives for Christ's sake - flinging them away for love of Him?
Where are those who will live dangerously, and be reckless in His service?
Where are his lovers, those who will love Him and the souls of people more than their own reputations or comfort or very life?

Where are those who say "no" to self, who take up Christ's Cross to bear it after Him;
who are willing to be nailed to it in college or office, home or mission field;
who are willing, if need be, to bleed, to suffer and die on it?

Where are the men and women of vision today?
Where are the men of enduring vision?
Where are the women who have seen the King in His beauty, by whom from henceforth all else is counted but refuse that they may win Christ?
Where are the adventurers, the explorers, the buccaneers for God who count one human soul of far greater value than the rise or fall of an Empire?
Where are the men, where are the women who glory in God-sent loneliness, difficulties, persecutions, misunderstandings, discipline, sacrifice, death?
Where are the men and women who are willing to pay the price of vision?

Where are the people of prayer?
Where are the men and women who, like the Psalmist of old, count God's Word of more importance to them than their daily food?
Where are those who, like Moses of old, commune with God face to face as a person speaks with their friend and unmistakably bear with them the fragrance of the meeting through the day?

WHERE ARE GOD'S MEN AND WOMEN IN THIS DAY OF GOD'S POWER?"

wow.

As I embark on this new semester, I know it's just gonna get busier and busier. J-week's on in abt a week's time. My first week's been filled with meetings, meetings and more meetings. There's an awful lot of readings that I gotta do (ok, i admit i didn't do my readings last sem. i tried but gave up after 4 weeks). 300% of internal assessments. 13 weeks. so that's about 23% each week. I am learning to live each day by His grace, for His grace is sufficient for me. The things I'm still holding on to, I need to let go. Even if I have to offer it up to Him on my altar everyday, it just gotta happen. Gotta let go and make space for the heavenly things He has in store for me...

May your life be a worship unto Him.