what do u expect in the year of the ox?

I must admit I've been on the look-out for something different for a change. Perhaps it's a sign of restlessness brewing within. I don't really know what I'm looking for though...

And today... on my way home from work, the sight of a bunch of cows (brown, black, white, black and white, you name it) grazing on a sad little patch of grass amidst high-rise buildings and congested traffic caught me by surprise. I burst out laughing. It's like a joke between my Creator and me, one that perhaps few would understand, perhaps none.

wait...

...and PRAY.

I've been telling others (reassuring self at the same time) that it's a waiting period.

Yesterday I got reminded that it's not just a waiting period...

it's wait and PRAY.

got it.

Friday night syndrome

Having options is not necessarily a good thing. If I'd just tell myself I don't have a choice, then I'd do what's good for me. Instead, I'm left here wondering what to do with myself on a Friday night. A beer or a couple of drinks sounds good to me.

I'll probably end up having neither. It's all in my head, ain't it? Let's hope I'll not give myself any options and just do what I know I should do.

Sigh. It's the Friday night syndrome.

bits n pieces, here n there...

sometimes a door closing on ur face helps to uncover the true underlying motivation. no doubt it brings a sinking feeling but at least u clearly see the udang sebalik the batu.

i've been thinking that i need something to sustain me for the longer term, but on the other hand i wonder if i'm looking for sustenance in the wrong places?

the great chasm is beyond me. too far to cross over, too deep to bridge the gap. wasn't it a broken heart that rejected any form of reconciliation? ironic that it should eventually lead to helplessness and more hurt. a kind of pain that has perhaps been immuned to.

this is no good.

i read an article on "longsuffering" today. it ended with this prayer:

"Help us to suffer a little longer that we might know the joy of the gift that you have promised. We will always wait a little longer. We will always trust in You. Amen."

Each day is a gift from God. Each day I inch a little closer towards the joy of the gift He has promised. Each day I tell myself... it's just a little longer.

and Grace will lead me Home.

しょうがない～

It's almost like a しょうがない kinda feeling. So the storm hit, the tsunami struck... Am I sitting in the eye or has the worst come and gone?

There's a lot I need to learn from tsunami survivors.

Chinese Niu Year in Auckland

It's my 3rd consecutive CNY away from KL. I haven't done much - either I have serious jet lag or my aunt's coffee ain't strong enough. I did finish "Winnie-the-Pooh" though... and I think I'm a little like Eeyore in my head. It's kinda refreshing to laugh at Eeyore, then recognizing a little of him in me and laugh at myself too.

My thinking process is not quite complete but I no longer trust myself with unguided thinking. Anyhow, I'm returning home with these thoughts:

• Time to stop moping around and get on my feet again. I may not have the strength but at least I have the desire to begin with.
• Gotta make the best of everything. Gotta stop wasting time.
  

Today I found myself wondering why I often felt a sense of belonging only after I've left. Time to stop living in the past. Feeling the sense of belonging doesn't count, what matters is counting oneself in.

I am almost glad to be heading back and returning to work right away. One needs to keep oneself occupied. I just need to learn how not to keep myself mindlessly occupied.

2009...

Here's an attempt to revive my dead blog.

I'm not sure I know where to begin. I seem to go blank a lot these days. Things have changed so much. For one, I'm not sure if the title of my blog should still remain. There's truth in it, so I guess I'll keep it until something else comes up.

So here I am in Auckland for Chinese New Year. Am I waiting, searching or running away? There are a few things I need to seriously think through I suppose. But sometimes I feel like I no longer have the energy, or whatever it takes, to do what is right. Left on my own, I am a mere sinner. A pathetic, helpless sinner.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

-Romans 7:15-20

Why do I feel like I am trying to justify myself?

Anyhow...

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my member. What a wretched man I am!" (Romans 7:21-24a)

I suppose it does help to know that someone I look up to have felt the same way too. And better yet, he knew the answers:

"Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

(Romans 7:24b-25a)

"So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." (v.25b)

I've allowed the heavy chains of sin to tie me down in bondage.

But I am no longer a prisoner, am I?

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (8:1)

"the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (8:6)

I've always liked this song:

"My chains are gone, I've been set free,

My God, my Saviour has ransomed me.

Like a flood His mercy rains,

Unending love, amazing grace."

I quote Yancey in his book "Reaching for the Invisible God":

"Transformation comes, in the end, not from an act of will, but an act of grace. We can only ask for it and keep asking."

Lord, help me.