Life as an exile

"By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he lived as an alien in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, fellow heirs of the same promise; for he was looking for the city which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God" -Hebrews 11:8-10

"Abraham's lesson to me is this: no great faith... no great adventure. If I don't believe God, I am unlikely to follow him far. Adventuring requires that I trust what I cannot see and that I remain confident in the leading and the promises of God, even before I experience their reality. Adventuring demands that I not make myself too much at home in any one place - and that I am willing to move out from that place when he calls. Adventuring asks that I agree with God that this world is not my natural home..."
-Leigh McLeroy (The Beautiful Ache - Finding the God who satisfies when life does not)

no great faith. no great adventure. i'm not sure i'm up for adventures anymore. what used to seem exciting, that so tantalizes, is losing its captivity... or perhaps there's some discrepancy in my idea of an "adventure" and what God has in store for me. girlish dreams of Paris visits, the endless sidewalk cafes, foreign cuisine, lights and music and theatre... i admit i'm a brat.

i rmb once in primary sch, when i first learnt the phrase "si4 hai3 wei2 jia1" (literally four seas as home), it felt like something strike a chord internally. from then on, or even before, i had always wanted to be on the go...

isn't it ironic that the more u walk along the journey, the more u find urself wanting to retreat back after being weathered down by what's supposed to be building you up and sharpening u for more to come? the tension is unfathomable. i catch myself talking excitedly abt what's going to happen, the journeys, the teasing suspense of the unknown future; yet on my own, the fear of uncertainty, the weariness from the usual wear and tear can be rather overwhelming. to the point I'm just throwing up my hands and saying to God, "enough is enough".

and hence the longing for stability, for a time to settle down... i never enjoyed pitching tents, truth be told, and am quite ready to go home. but it's even more frustrating to realise that the home this spirit is longing for, is not one of this world. my globe-trots (which is nothing compared to some amazing stories exchanged at the backpackers) are more tiring than fulfilling!

sometimes i feel so disillusioned. what's going on? where am i going? i'm not sure i knew what was in store for me before i boarded this train. yet, there's no turning back...

but in His grace and mercy, He's opening up my horizons, to see beyond a world where my deepest longings will not be satisfied, where I'll always be left thirsting for more...

"C.S.Lewis once said that if we find in ourselves a desire which no earthly thing can satisfy, the logical conclusion must be that we are made for another world."

i gradually realised long ago that people dun satisfy - not fully; things don't satisfy - not eternally. yet i was sucked in that pithole of looking at people, things to meet my needs, resulting in a lot of unrealistic, non-verbalized yet demanding expectations, inevitably bringing the numbing realization that it's never gonna be.

but there is hope. God's promises are immeasurably more than what we can imagine or ask for. He's the Divine Author of this bestseller we're living. Do we trust Him with the glorious ending waiting in the epilogue, enduring each chapter not as one without hope, but pressing on with perseverance in this journey full of adventures?