God made me Jeremina...

I'm not sure if I'm able to sort out my thoughts coherently.But I suppose it's when you don't really try to think too much that you capture bits n pieces of everything? then u try to piece them together to see if they make sense...

I cried buckets eh. I was feeling lousy to start with. Feeling lousy yet wasn't really addressing the issue. I'm not sure I was aware that there was something more than just feeling lousy. It's more than just a mood swing, or pms, or whatever. I wasn't even aware of that.

I tried to participate in the worship along with everyone else. It din last very long. Right after the first song, tears were already streaming down my face. I din know why I was crying. But there in my mind, was the face of a person. A person that I know is hurting. A person that I know needs the healing grace of God. Another face appeared. Another hurting soul. A soul filled with sorrows of disappointments and regrets...

There was a struggle: should i wipe away the tears, think about other stuff and pretend nothing happened? should i just walk away lest ppl come up to me and ask "what's wrong?" but i can't give them an answer?

Yet, there was a burden in my heart. A burden so strong I can't seem to move away from it. I allowed the tears to flow. After all, if you can't be yourself and respond to whatever God has put on your heart in His sanctuary, where else can you let Him touch your heart enough to move you into actions?

There was frustration. I feel their hurt, their pain, their loss... but I don't know what to do. What can I do? They're really far away from me. We sang about God's holiness. Sermon was about giving Him due honour and reverance. I felt really insignificant as compared to the universe that's measured in His palm. A universe so large, yet measured in His palm. I'm not even a speck of dust in that universe! BUT... nothing seemed to be making sense. My finite little mind can't reconcile God's holiness, and His hurting ppl... there must be a connection somewhere, but exactly, where?

There was anger. Anger against a fallen world where God's children are hurting. Anger against the forces that blind ppl towards God from whom they can seek solace, where they can pour out their sorrows to Him and be healed by His grace. and dare I admit, anger at how I can't seem to connect the dots between "holy" and these ppl that are hurting?

wait. tt's a bit dishonest on my part. it was really:

"God is holy. So what? Ppl are still hurting..."

The missing link has become a "so what?" which made me feel blasphemous. Forgive me Lord, for I know not what I'm saying...

I stayed as long as I could. At least service ended somewhat before I took my leave. There were other ppl leaving too. But none with tears on their face. Maybe there was. I didn't dare look. I just couldn't stand there anymore. It was getting really hot. On a cold cold night. I thought I was responding to His holiness. To His overwhelming presence. But no. It wasn't that.

Sat in front of the PE building and stared at the only star in sight. The message is still a blur. I don't know what God is saying to me... How long should I wait? There's so much to do. It's easy to get busy again and forget abt tonight.

It's so easy to shut God out. As my phone vibrated time and time again, ppl replying abt the Da Vinci movie, sorting out flights for conference, i found myself shuffling between work-mode and tears. It's like i can switch off the tears when txts came and demanded replies, and as i go back to scriptures, they come again.

Even as I blog this down, (yea, the movie tickets thing and flights stuff still ongoing), I'm not sure if I caught the heart of this. Isaiah 61? "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted... to comfort all who mourn... and provide for those who grieve?" Or... does He just wanna burden me enough to make sure I remember His call and follow it through without delay?

But... what can I do? Am I strong enough to bind the brokenhearted?

Maybe I'm getting too distracted, such that I'm walking through each day without listening out for the Father's heartbeat. I haven't had sabbath for a while. Perhaps He's wanting to bring me back to Him once again...

Feels a bit like Job + Jeremiah. How I wish I could burn my bible, mix the ashes with milk and honey, drink it all in and have Scripture meet every thought in mind...