God has funny ideas...

So you're allowing Him freedom to write His Story with your life, the way He would have it, as much as your sinful wretched self could hand over control to Him. It's quite an exciting journey really, chapter by chapter, you learn to trust Him more, you learn to let go and allow Him more control. Until you realize that, hey! that pencil you're holding together with Him has two sharpened ends! and even as you continue to allow Him to write this story, the other sharpened end facing you seems to be jabbing hard at you and it so pierces your heart.

Sorry. Didn't mean to make Him out as a sadistic maniac. No, no... He's the loving Father, whose love never fails. It's when we're so selfishly focused on our own pains and hurts that we forget who He really is. After all, we need someone to throw our anger at. So there goes. Yet, He's the meek and gentle Lamb, who never answers back, who takes every insult hurled at Him, and looks back at us with eyes filled with love.

"I'm lost in wonder,

lost in love,

lost in praise forevermore.

Because of Jesus' unfailing love,

I'm forgiven,

I am restored."

I need restoration. And I need to lose myself in wonder, in love and in praise for Him once more.

So I hit the Wall a while ago. And in the process of thinking, it came to realization that it's when things are the toughest, when you go through fire and storm with someone that relationship is built and refined. So if He wouldn't speak when things are ok, or maybe I just wasn't listening, or receptive enough to hear Him, then let me ask for trouble, let me ask for more pain, let me ask for difficult times. Just so that I am close to Him once again. Was it Lewis that said pain is God's loudspeaker?

And guess what? He doesn't tarry to answer those sort of prayers.

Yea, God seems to have funny ideas. I don't understand His ways - fair enough, His ways and thoughts are way higher than mine. Years of being on my own has taught me a lot about the self's defense mechanism. It's up on high alert mode now. One's gotta fend for oneself, no? So you put up a fight, until you realize that the One you're fighting against is the One you can trust. But it's not so easy to let go, so maybe I'll keep fighting until I'm too tired to keep up. Better be sooner than later.

Sigh. For you who think I have too many good stories to tell, this is a glimpse of what it's like before the best parts come around, those parts you get to hear. I'm no saint, the road ain't easy, but the victory is sure. As long as we allow Him to work...