awol.long wrap up.

sorry for the long silence. somehow, i just stopped blogging. well... it started off with grandma shifting away. so there's no wifi to curi from. oh, i think i stopped before then. was busy errr... enjoying kl? ;p

so that's my hols in malaysia. it's an up-and-down journey but i was quite ready to leave when it was time to go. prob the extension made things better. for once, no tears in klia ;p i reckon it's when ppl send me off at the airport that makes me tear. not at the send-off location, i can hold myself pretty well until i get on the aerotrain...

bloom conference was really good. initially i was hoping it won't be a whole lot of bgr stuff (i thought i've learnt frm joshua harris - enough to last me for the while). it wasn't. the love language session was pretty cool. i was surprised by my own love language. maybe i'm just one confused person. hehehe...

"don't carry too much baggages into your relationships."

yea, it's unfair that other ppl have to carry your baggages. even if they're willing to. leave it. at the foot of the cross.

"And I worship you, Lord,
my life in You restored.
Here is my heart,
make it Your sanctuary,
for nobody else but Jesus,
only You."

Indeed, God will lead us into the healing process. Let Jesus heal you...
there's hope because restoration comes from God.

security.self-worth.significance.

ALL FOUNDED IN CHRIST!

"Your past don't dictate your present and your future. Let go of the past!"

Amen.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" -2 Corinthians 5:17

oh yes, there's also the beauty of synergy effect...

*dreams*

ok, back to earth.

Bloom conference kinda marked the turning point for me. Perhaps I was still burnt frm last sem, and i din really know how to recover. It was a time of trashing myself, guilt, unworthiness, etc etc etc. I hear ppl say "don't be too hard on urself...". ok, but how?

after conference, things got better. perhaps i decided to make the decision to move on. but have i really dealt with the issues at hand? not really. not thinking abt them, not praying abt them doesn't mean they're gone & all is good.

i din know how to deal with them eh. so i left it. and made up my mind to enjoy the rest of my hols in KL. after all, my days of mango-breakfasts and papaya-milk morning teas and japanese buffets and coffee-&-book in sbux comfy couch are short. and they're getting shorter by the day.

thank God for the good times. the fun times. the food times. the family times. the friends times. the crazy, filled with tension, yet everything turned out well time. wat a testimony. i'm still young. need to do sthing crazy. how abt being radical for God?

TSCF Conference - "back to the cross".

i wasn't sure if i was ready for it. i prayed and ask God to speak to me, that I want to hear from Him. i don't want it to be just any other conference. So far, He's been faithful. Likewise in this conference, He worked wonders...

I wasn't too sociable. still quite tired. and cold. metabolic rate decreased. supposed to be mingling but had lotsa talks with beets. it's disguised as "catching up and planning" but really, i think she gave me really good pep talks. to sort out my thoughts for me. anthony was a gem too. and the few other really meaningful conversations i had. my AHA! moments...

i rmb the first few days i was there, i would linger in the hall as the music continued to allow ppl to reflect. i would just sit there, even after most ppl had left, and wished i could stay there longer, perhaps i might catch something. there was something in the air, but somehow i've missed it.

The cry got a bit more urgent, a bit more desperate. Lord, wat are You saying to me? Has my heart hardened?

then the most beautiful message came. the most beautiful message in a long long time. i just can't stop raving about it. i was just so blessed and encouraged. I wish the speaker didn't cared abt going overtime, he was so fast! I wanted to hear more, I wanted the message through him to sink in more, that I could etch it in my memory for a long long time to come. In His grace and mercy, God refreshed my perspective of the cross. It's so easy to talk abt the cross every Easter, and every so often but not really allow it speak to you. This time, it struck. I've never felt so liberated before. Perhaps i've never truly understood wat it really means. This time, i found freedom in Christ! I am free! I felt so free that I wanted to spread my wings and fly!

I guess I didn't get the whole message right. So God sent Anthony to sort me out. I was ready to literally fly and pursue that freedom. Anthony linked that freedom with service. ok, so my freedom kinda tied me to the bondage of self-gratification. ops. but Anthony really cleared that up for me. I am 100% convinced that God sent Anthony from St. Lucia to Dunedin for us. What a blessing!

All my thoughts that I've buried during the pre-bloom conference days came back. Not to haunt me, but because the solution is here. The image remains vivid: me, kicking and screaming, fighting with myself: "I can't. I'm not good enough. I stink." Jesus, with open arms, "I did enough." finally, I collapsed into His arms: "Yes Lord, YOU've DONE EVERYTHING. Your grace is sufficient for me." May the message remain powerful til the day comes when I lie in His loving arms.

and of course, after you're restored, you get challenged.

"Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"

"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

(John 21:15)

DO YOU LOVE ME?

Howard Guinness:

Where are the young men and women of this generation who will hold their lives cheap and be faithful even unto death?
Where are those who will lose their lives for Christ's sake - flinging them away for love of Him?
Where are those who will live dangerously, and be reckless in His service?
Where are his lovers, those who will love Him and the souls of people more than their own reputations or comfort or very life?

Where are those who say "no" to self, who take up Christ's Cross to bear it after Him;
who are willing to be nailed to it in college or office, home or mission field;
who are willing, if need be, to bleed, to suffer and die on it?

Where are the men and women of vision today?
Where are the men of enduring vision?
Where are the women who have seen the King in His beauty, by whom from henceforth all else is counted but refuse that they may win Christ?
Where are the adventurers, the explorers, the buccaneers for God who count one human soul of far greater value than the rise or fall of an Empire?
Where are the men, where are the women who glory in God-sent loneliness, difficulties, persecutions, misunderstandings, discipline, sacrifice, death?
Where are the men and women who are willing to pay the price of vision?

Where are the people of prayer?
Where are the men and women who, like the Psalmist of old, count God's Word of more importance to them than their daily food?
Where are those who, like Moses of old, commune with God face to face as a person speaks with their friend and unmistakably bear with them the fragrance of the meeting through the day?

WHERE ARE GOD'S MEN AND WOMEN IN THIS DAY OF GOD'S POWER?"

wow.

As I embark on this new semester, I know it's just gonna get busier and busier. J-week's on in abt a week's time. My first week's been filled with meetings, meetings and more meetings. There's an awful lot of readings that I gotta do (ok, i admit i didn't do my readings last sem. i tried but gave up after 4 weeks). 300% of internal assessments. 13 weeks. so that's about 23% each week. I am learning to live each day by His grace, for His grace is sufficient for me. The things I'm still holding on to, I need to let go. Even if I have to offer it up to Him on my altar everyday, it just gotta happen. Gotta let go and make space for the heavenly things He has in store for me...

May your life be a worship unto Him.