the light at the end of the tunnel

that's how i felt today. maybe tt's not a very accurate description of my situation but it's sorta like a "good, refreshing change".

yea. God brought me out of my slum. i thought slumming's good for everyone. once in a while. a yearly pilgrimage thing. but now i know it's definitely not me. no way. ugh. it got me so down i literally cried out to God time and time again. it felt more like confinement. to be honest, it messed me up. sigh.

God heard my cries. He arranged for me to tag along to a food review at Naili's which started with a pre-review dim sum. wow. it made me realised how much i need people. *self-discovery* but hey! I'm still an introvert k.

today's been really awesome. it started with coffee (finally!) and meaningful conversation. it made me feel like i have a sense of purpose again. sounds serious eh? headed off to gym. God bless GT for getting me VIP guest status until i leave (GT: u're the man!) hehehe. lunch with mum. where? GENKI! (i shall be forgiving abt the tummy discomfort and subsequent visitSSS to the toilet, which isn't really settled now, minor problem. i blame kiwi food for being too clean).

after lunch, i was in sbux, in my comfy couch, with a cuppa. peaberry blend. it's quite smooth. that lasted me for 4 hours. with a good book, a bestseller, a devotion, a spiral bound notebook and 3 different coloured pens. God is awesome!

went along to mum's office. everyone was in a frenzy. it was almost chaotic. well, maybe it's not that bad but it certainly felt tt way in the otherwise calm and serene office. i sat down and did some typing work for them. wow. tt felt good eh. my sense of self-worth is coming back. hehehehe.

got this in my email couple of days back:

"woman, u remind me of those patients that like to wander around the hospital or try to escape all the time even though they were specifically ordered bed rest by the doctor. tsk tsk. "

how true. why can't i sit still?

(continue this another time. kena halau to bed. tummy is getting worse. pls pray.)

conclusion: God is awesome!

jonah

Somehow this character's been in my head since ard mid-afternoon and I can't seem to stop thinking about him...

U know, that infamous dude that got swallowed by a whale cos he was disobedient to God and went the opposite direction God told him to, and stayed there for 3 days until he repented and the whale threw him up again?

hmmmmm. maybe I should sleep over it and try to meditate a bit more about this.

I wish I could meet with my Lord in my slumber. Although I know He's always here with me, somehow I've been feeling like I miss Him. Yea, I miss Him so much. Read Dennis' blog and felt so encouraged by it. His ending sentence was: "it's quite a weird post at quite a weird time coz of exams, but the joy is just overflowing at this point. haha. oh wells! it's all good =) praise the Lord!" Little kid is so encouraging. This reminded me of that joy that comes from the Lord and makes u just wanna sing and dance with the Lord. It makes me long for that overflowing joy all the more...

Increase my thirst, amplify my hunger, so much so that I would have no choice, but to seek You more...

live the moment. live the day.

12 June. Mon.

i thought i had heaps to post but lousy connection had limited my access. after many attempts, i kinda lost my train of thoughts when i'm finally connected again. who knows if this post will make it eh since it's very likely by the time this post is freshly baked, the oven door just won't open (connection out). hmmmmm.

this means u guys might not get a daily dose of me. I'm still writing, just in a different place. Perhaps God wants me to log in more in my journal rather than my blog. My journal has its moments of intimacy and honesty that no one else will ever see, which I only dare to be so with my Abba in Heaven, Who knows me inside out anyway...

it was a rather quiet weekend with mum working. church ppl were quite surprised to see me. i had pretty mixed feelings. "glory glory glory to the lamb, for He is glorious and worthy to be praised, the Lamb upon the throne..." this tune's been in my head for quite a bit when I was in nz. Many times I had to suppress the urge to just break out at the top of my voice while walking along the quiet chilly dunedin streets, singing this song to give Him glory and praise... yesterday, i could finally lift my voice to Him. i can't help but smile as I was brought back to how it was like in the beginning. maybe not right at the beginning but somewhere in the initial journey. I was reminded to be faithful, to persist and persevere with dogged determination to not just drag my feet through the mundane but to really choose to live the moment, live the day. It's like the passionate relationship vs. the quiet, calm, dangerously misinterpreted as mundane, yet faithful relationship. We all need a mix of these don't we?

REMEMBER.REPENT.RETURN. that's the gist of yest's sermon.

REMEMBER. i wondered how some people forget. until i realised i don't do a goob job remembering either. in fact, i forget quite fast. we need reminders every now and then, to keep us going, before we forget so much so that we can't even recall the tiniest bit of wat it was like to be in the arms of the loving Lord. of our gratitude to Him for paying the price for us. for dying on the cross to buy our pardon. and most importantly, that part where we made the conscious decision to respond to Him. have u forgotten why you chose Him in the beginning? have u gone lukewarm? it is said in revelations, that it is better to be hot or cold, than to be lukewarm, and the Lord spit out the lukewarm (my paraphrase, with bits left from my failing memory). are u sure this is where u want to be?

REPENT. it's a choice. to turn away from watever that's not supposed to be, and walk towards the right path, leaving the past behind. it's a choice. it's YOUR choice.

RETURN. that's the best thing you can do for urself really. return to the Lord. He longs for you...

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
In quietness and trust is your strength,
.
.
.
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!"
-Isaiah 30:15-18

No matter how far you've strayed, it's never too far for you to return to God...

i think i'm still adjusting. it's weird to think that one has to adjust to home. i'm still waking up at 6+/7am albeit going to bed 12+/1am. this is my 3rd caffeine free day. welcome to coffee annonymous. i miss my BarVista. pray that the Lord will help me find my footing in Him, soon.

oh, i've finally decided to grow a boyfriend. hehehe. he's growing quite well in the container of water. apparently he shrinks when out of water and i can grow him again and again as much as i like. he's blue though. hmmmmm. i hope he doesn't become a chewy toy for my Sushi ;p

h.o.m.e

...is where the heart is.

Yes. I'm back. From 2 degrees celsius on a freezing dunedin morning, I flew into a fiery furnace...

I must admit the excitement and anticipation wasn't as strong as before. actually, there wasn't even a twinge of anything. Perhaps after a few times it just tones down quite a bit. Or, I might be getting old. NOT.

Thank God that my exam's over. Thank God I got my boarding passes smoothly. No sweat. Could check in early somemore. Plus, i went over the 20kg limit. What's new? Thank God for sleep onboard. I stayed up the whole night before packing and I was totally knocked off frm dunedin to auckland. The people sitting next to me must be shuddering at the thought of what exams do to students. Hehe. But really, it's what comes after the exams. I went for a production with C. "I love you, you're perfect, now change". It was hilarious and I had an absolutely enjoyable night. I haven't laughed that much in a while. Looks like I'm doing good nurturing the cultural side of me. We all need to be balanced eh? Just last Thurs I went to Julian Lloyd Webber's (younger bro of the Andrew Lloyd Webber) performance at the town hall. The 2nd piece was good and the 3rd piece was surprisingly engaging as well. I prefer musicals though. For a while I was brought back to my crazy theatre chase in London. Really miss it man.

I watched 4 inflight movies. Broke my own record for that. Me who don't watch movies all that much. "Perhaps Love" was too much like Moulin Rouge but I din mind the HUGE similarity all that much since I liked Moulin Rouge. Besides, I get to drool over Takeshi Kaneshiro. "Helen the baby fox" was a truly heart-warming Japanese film. Wish I can have my own pet baby fox. "The Pink Panther" really tickled me and I hope people around me won't remember me as I burst out in bouts of laughter as I watched .

The last one I watched, which i sadly didn't get to finish cos we were landing, was "The Professor and his beloved equation" . There were some profound truths in this Japanese film, mentioned so simply it makes you go "ooooo..." and then "wow...." This film talks about a math professor and he made math sound so beautiful. "The eternal truth is invisible, you must see it with your heart." and "The invisible world supports the visible world..." It struck me how the perfection in numbers just reflects the nature of our most High Wonderful God. Though I'm not big on math, I saw the beautiful side of math for once, where God's character is being revealed. (does anyone know where I can get this film? I really want to finish it eh... )

OK. I touched down. Got home and surprised a few people. Realised that I came back on a World Cup opening night. ouch. it's cruel to have to compete with World Cup. But thank God my temptations kaki was kind enough to show me some sympathy ;p went to my all time favourite ktz - this IS really becoming a tradition. i need to learn how to make my own black sesame tong yuen.

I went to bed ard 2am. That's like 6am NZ time. I thought it's a good day to sleep in, cos mum's real busy these days and she's heading back to the office both today (SAT) and tmr (SUN) for the whole day and then it's Mon again and she's working as per norm. She felt really bad about this but I reassured her I'll be fine eh... I can entertain myself at home. Hehe. To my horror, I got up and couldn't sleep again and it's only 7am!!! Might start having my second sleep habit again.

Headed off to the famous air panas wet market. People were pushing their way past one another, sellers screaming at the top of their lungs, the smell of food, the sight of fruits, veggies... man, i miss this bit! It's a challenge to get your way around. I was just so mesmerised by the variety of fruits, cheaply available (ok, maybe not that cheap, but they cost at least twice more in NZ). I am so gonna have a fruit diet today. Had the sweetest mangoes for breakfast. yum~ morning tea was papaya milk. I reckon I need to get HL milk. Dutch lady doesn't deliver the same magic. Lunch... mom made barley with foo chuk and ginkgo. Man, I'm in heaven! ;p

Home is where the heart is. There wasn't any excitement, no anticipation, no nothing. but yes, I'm truly home.

Sitting at Jesus' feet

But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me." Luke 10:40

Martha loved Jesus dearly and would have done anything for Him. Her struggle came in being still! Martha spent so much time serving Jesus that she had no time to enjoy His company or to get to know Him better. The harder Martha worked, the more frustrated she became with her sister Mary. Mary was sitting at Jesus' feet while Martha scurried around the house to make sure everything was in perfect order for Jesus. Martha's service, though it started out with gladness, deteriorated into resentment and envy.

It is good to want to serve Christ as an expression of love for what He has done for you. Yet when your activity consumes your time and energies so that you have no time for Him, you have become too busy! You may think, as Martha did, that if you don't do the work, it won't get done. That may be true, but Jesus taught that your highest priority must be your relationship with Him. If anything detracts you from that relationship, that activity is not from God. God will not ask you to do something that hinders your relationship with Christ. At times, serving God and carrying out His mission is the best way to know and experience God. At other times, it is more important to sit quietly at His feet and listen to what He is saying.

We are not called to continually sit at the feet of Jesus; otherwise our service for Him would cease. Neither are we called to serve Him incessantly, without taking time to find restoration in His presence. Have you been serving God so diligently that you have not had time to spend with Him?

Adapted from Experiencing God Day-by-Day
by Broadman & Holman Publishers

This came today in my e-devotion from Canaaland. But it felt like an email from God Himself...

"Jesus loves me this I know, For the Bible tells me so..."

On the latest church bulletin, right on the front page, were some letters written by children to God (from www.getfed.com):

> Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

> Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

> Dear GOD, what does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. -Jane

> Dear GOD, we read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said u did it. So I bet he stole ur idea. -Sincerely, Donna

> Dear GOD, did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

OUCH. I think "zebra" should replace "giraffe". Giraffes are the most beautiful animals on the surface of earth!

My favourite:

> Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. -Eugene

We realised that Ms. Ong (our art teacher in high sch) would give really good grades for any piece of art with orange/purple combi in it...

"And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." -Matthew 18:3

"Oui, Jesus m'aime,
oui, Jesus m'aime,
oui, Jesus m'aime,
La Bible m'a dit."

a little post to thank Him...

indeed, there are many things to be thankful for. as i arrange my thoughts to blog them down, i realised that just for today alone, i might not even be able to list everything down eh!

had to drag myself outta bed in the morn cos i thought assignment's due at 1pm. I was stuck last night at the last question and somehow i just couldn't figure it out eh. was praying somewhat frantically before I went to bed and this morn, other than the "ugh, do i haf to get outta bed" thought, "Lord, pls grant me the wisdom for that last question" kept playing over and over again in the blurriness of my mostly still asleep mind.

after devotions, it's time to tackle that toughie. i decided to start all over again and as i pulled out my notes, i was directed to this part that was just the example i needed to unravel the mystery! it was a Eureka! moment for me and before I went on to write out all my answers nicely, i decided He really deserve my time eh. So i had a little time of worshipping Him, then wrote out everything and submitted my assignment. sweet ass. 1 assignment down. 1 assignment, 1 exam to go.

J came over for lunch and though we didn't have much time to catch up, she gave me a really good verse (and passage for context). It's like part 2 of the encouraging verse she gave me on my bday card.

After she left, I Martha-ed a bit before settling down to work on my next assignment. It wasn't too bad. Had most of the stuff done earlier and managed to tie up the loose ends in less than an hour. God is awesome! There were some finer details that i just couldn't attend to. I lack that kinda energy and motivation and determination to attend to the finer details at the mo. I gave up cos I really needed to get that assignment outta my way before I could concentrate on my exam on thurs...

1 assignment down. 1 exam to go!

Submitted my last piece of assignment for this sem, in exchange for a marked one. GOD IS SOOOO AMAZING!!!! yea~ it was an awesome grade that I couldn't possibly imagine I could get. Thanks to my Abba Father in Heaven who arranged for me to have a really good partner, and also for ideas etc...

Ran along to my partner's flat to share the good news with her. OK, i exaggerated. I don't have the energy to run these days. ugh. met A on the way. He's such a great encourager. I thank God for him and he's really been a blessing, not just to me, but to everyone around him eh.

After that it was back to my flat to prepare for dinner tonight. A has always invited us over to his place for dinner. We decided this time round, it should be us bringing him and his family dinner. It's always scary to cook for a large crowd. 11 is a huge number when u usually cook for 1. or 2. thank God everything's well-cooked and nobody complained.

the fellowship at A's place was good. light and easy. i could so sleep in his couch after dinner eh...

i didn't mean to give an account of "a day in the life of cq". i guess my brain's just not working very well at the mo. i really wanna acknowledge Him in my day and thank Him for the little encouragements He's sent. It's those little sweet things that you might not notice but it's there, like the sunshine He gave us today, the flowers He's delivered to my doorstep (real fresh n wild ones in front of Nic's room). You might not feel that He's there but He always is, waiting for you to call Him, longing for you to go to Him...