the point of no return?

u know when u stretch a piece of rubber band, it's supposed to return to its original shape and size when u let go?

and when it doesn't, it has passed the point of no return?

I feel somewhat like that tonight. Today. Lately.

when tiredness and exhaustion kick in, nothing has any meaning any more. It's like I'm so tired, sleep doesn't seem to help... I'm so tired, that when I tell myself to rest, I don't seem to understand the meaning of the word "rest" anymore.

and when I'm so tired...

the extent of how meaningless life seems to me...

scares me.

O God, help!

39 days left

that's it. another 39 days and 2011 will be history.

For this particular Kairos course running in EEFC, what really left an impression was when I did Chap 4. It's as if God put those words in my mouth to say it to me in a way that will sink in for me:

History is HIS Story. He's still writing His story today with our lives. What story is He writing with yours?

I think I've been in an ugh state lately. Lotsa reasons. The most obvious one would be the reno going on in the house. It's quite disruptive to have the whole house in chaos but with a room I know so well, my fort, my refuge and shelter to hide in, it's not so bad. You can tear down the whole house, I have my room. And we agreed to leave my room as it is. Or so I thought. I was totally unprepared and shocked when I got home one day to find my room in chaos too. In all honesty, I cried. It was difficult. I wondered why I was so emo about something that's not such a big deal. I think I found the answer: He has to shake me out of my comfort zone. Tear down everything before He could give the walls a new coat of paint, and do proper rebuilding.

Hmmmmm. The room is kinda back to "normal" now. 80%. But being the meticulous person I am, that little 20% of order, or more accurately, the lack of, kinda malfunctioned me. I get home, back to my room, to sit on my bed and wonder what to do with myself. Sure, there's lots on the mental to-do list, but with things out of the usual order, I'm lost.

The poor cat suffered too. We had to call her home every night when reno first started. She couldn't eat, & she'd walk around, up and down, looking bewildered and lost. She couldn't even recognise her bed! Eventually she slept on the only part of the house that wasn't touched.

It's like the Great East Japan Earthquake that struck in March this year. I shudder to think how the people felt. This is not even 1% of what they had to go through, and their lives are still being rebuilt today.

Not being able to do much, I find myself returning to this blog. My cat has returned to her bed once again. My house will too. I just need motivation and discipline to start restoring that 20% back to order. Maybe after Kairos.

39 more days. I wonder what story is He writing? Is this the way He wants it written? How will it link to the future chapters? There's lots to think about.

New Black Coffee Lab

It's so refreshing to find a place like this near home: http://www.newblackcoffeelab.com/home/

At 5pm on a weekday, only 2 tables were occupied. That was nice for a change. Crowded cafes are not very conducive for "me time". I read, enjoyed a 50% off latte, with nice music playing in the background.

Had a little chat with the person manning the place. He has a partner who went to NZ and did barista certification there. Wish I had the guts to do that myself when I was there. He used to be a "salaryman" too, but came out to open this cafe out of interest and passion.

Somewhere, sometime, for some people, dreams do come true...

God is bigger than my circumstances

He's sovereign, is He not?

but no matter what my head tries to tell my heart, this is how I really feel:

I can't help but wonder, how much more does my head need to brainwash my heart (heartwash?) before I will stop feeling like this?

Jesus said:

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

(Matthew 11)

It is the eye of faith that will allow me to see beyond the circumstances. But I lack this faith. O God, help me to see things from Your perspective!

new motivation to blog

"Siqin-san, do you know any famous bloggers in Malaysia? There is a programme to send them to Japan to blog about the reconstruction of the disaster zone..."

"There's so many out there... how will you decide? Why don't you just send me to Japan?"

hahaha! So now I've got a new reason to blog!

a confession

I had decaff-ed coffee yesterday. *gasp*

Needless to say, I was disappointed. What was I thinking anyway, harbouring unspoken expectation of being kicked when the kicking agent's been removed. It was a cup of... a cup of... of... milky stuff. yikes!

But I couldn't help it. I love my beauty sleep too.

Hello. Looks like I'm blogging again.

de-activated?

Something caught my eye today while I was digging up old stuff. It wasn't that long ago really, but how things have changed! Have we been de-activated? Have I been de-activated?

I'm not sure what the future holds, but I have to keep reminding myself, at least I know Who holds my future.

Hmmmm... Do I really?