Every Day is a Gift from GOD...

39 days left

2011-11-22T22:15:00.003+09:00

that's it. another 39 days and 2011 will be history.

For this particular Kairos course running in EEFC, what really left an impression was when I did Chap 4. It's as if God put those words in my mouth to say it to me in a way that will sink in for me:

History is HIS Story. He's still writing His story today with our lives. What story is He writing with yours?

I think I've been in an ugh state lately. Lotsa reasons. The most obvious one would be the reno going on in the house. It's quite disruptive to have the whole house in chaos but with a room I know so well, my fort, my refuge and shelter to hide in, it's not so bad. You can tear down the whole house, I have my room. And we agreed to leave my room as it is. Or so I thought. I was totally unprepared and shocked when I got home one day to find my room in chaos too. In all honesty, I cried. It was difficult. I wondered why I was so emo about something that's not such a big deal. I think I found the answer: He has to shake me out of my comfort zone. Tear down everything before He could give the walls a new coat of paint, and do proper rebuilding.

Hmmmmm. The room is kinda back to "normal" now. 80%. But being the meticulous person I am, that little 20% of order, or more accurately, the lack of, kinda malfunctioned me. I get home, back to my room, to sit on my bed and wonder what to do with myself. Sure, there's lots on the mental to-do list, but with things out of the usual order, I'm lost.

The poor cat suffered too. We had to call her home every night when reno first started. She couldn't eat, & she'd walk around, up and down, looking bewildered and lost. She couldn't even recognise her bed! Eventually she slept on the only part of the house that wasn't touched.

It's like the Great East Japan Earthquake that struck in March this year. I shudder to think how the people felt. This is not even 1% of what they had to go through, and their lives are still being rebuilt today.

Not being able to do much, I find myself returning to this blog. My cat has returned to her bed once again. My house will too. I just need motivation and discipline to start restoring that 20% back to order. Maybe after Kairos.

39 more days. I wonder what story is He writing? Is this the way He wants it written? How will it link to the future chapters? There's lots to think about.

New Black Coffee Lab

2011-11-22T22:06:00.002+09:00

It's so refreshing to find a place like this near home: http://www.newblackcoffeelab.com/home/

At 5pm on a weekday, only 2 tables were occupied. That was nice for a change. Crowded cafes are not very conducive for "me time". I read, enjoyed a 50% off latte, with nice music playing in the background.

Had a little chat with the person manning the place. He has a partner who went to NZ and did barista certification there. Wish I had the guts to do that myself when I was there. He used to be a "salaryman" too, but came out to open this cafe out of interest and passion.

Somewhere, sometime, for some people, dreams do come true...

God is bigger than my circumstances

2011-11-04T19:26:00.005+09:00

He's sovereign, is He not?

but no matter what my head tries to tell my heart, this is how I really feel:

I can't help but wonder, how much more does my head need to brainwash my heart (heartwash?) before I will stop feeling like this?

Jesus said:

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

(Matthew 11)

It is the eye of faith that will allow me to see beyond the circumstances. But I lack this faith. O God, help me to see things from Your perspective!

new motivation to blog

2011-09-15T16:57:00.001+09:00

"Siqin-san, do you know any famous bloggers in Malaysia? There is a programme to send them to Japan to blog about the reconstruction of the disaster zone..."

"There's so many out there... how will you decide? Why don't you just send me to Japan?"

hahaha! So now I've got a new reason to blog!

a confession

2011-08-19T16:07:00.003+09:00

I had decaff-ed coffee yesterday. *gasp*

Needless to say, I was disappointed. What was I thinking anyway, harbouring unspoken expectation of being kicked when the kicking agent's been removed. It was a cup of... a cup of... of... milky stuff. yikes!

But I couldn't help it. I love my beauty sleep too.

Hello. Looks like I'm blogging again.

de-activated?

2011-08-18T13:19:00.002+09:00

Something caught my eye today while I was digging up old stuff. It wasn't that long ago really, but how things have changed! Have we been de-activated? Have I been de-activated?

I'm not sure what the future holds, but I have to keep reminding myself, at least I know Who holds my future.

Hmmmm... Do I really?

burnt

2011-01-16T17:17:00.002+09:00

I burnt whatever I was baking.

Sigh. I had anticipated that happening. Clearly my heart is not right, and it flows out through the touch of my hands.

Yet.

It was redeemed. And it became edible after all.

God can redeem.

Lord, set my heart right.

self-deception

2011-01-08T01:39:00.001+09:00

I'm merely deceiving myself thinking that I'm gonna get any work done at this hour when I'm just rummaging through FB pages, blogs... and when I start looking at my powerpoint slides, I start to yawn...

perhaps, I really should just go to bed.

*yawn*

stepping into 2011!

2011-01-05T23:26:00.002+09:00

I actually wrote "stepping into 2010!!" and had to edit the title.

Somehow it felt like life has stopped at 2010.

But surely there must be more, there must be so much more.

I think I am finally understanding what it's like when I first heard G said that she never thought she'd live til her 20s, and hence can't imagine life beyond uni. Ditto when Aunty Teresa shared along similar lines about not thinking she'd live so long. Apparently her lecturer (or someone from Bible college) told her that it's a common feeling that Asian girls have.

Perhaps I'm still not too used to not being the main planner of my life. It's not like I so wanna plan my life and I have this amazing 1000 things I wanna schedule in, but had to grudgingly let go and let Him. It's more like... I dun really know what to plan, how to plan anymore after uni. On one hand it's exciting! On the other, I must admit the "not knowing, just walk as far as I can see" style is kinda stifling the J (MBTI personality) in me.

I like big plans - let me show you my 2011 year planner, and I'd like to be able to share with you how Jan's gonna be this, and Feb will be taken up by that, March will be about this, and then April I'll be doing that.... all the way til Dec. But no, it's like I'm walking into a thick mesh of clouds, and visibility isn't extending very far into the future.

So... what's next?

What was all that leading up to? Hmmmmm. At the back of my head, I know I still have yet to make sense of the Lausanne experience. What does all that mean and what is all that leading to?

I guess my "walk by faith" lesson's not fully learnt yet. It's still putting one foot ahead of the other, and walking as far as I can see when I can't see very far ahead. I am reminded of David's shepherding days, yet he remained faithful through it all, through all the little day-to-day things. Sure I've had my fair share of running around the globe, there's been big movements in life to date, but in the end, it's the little daily things that count.

Have I loved my neighbour? Have I loved my Creator? Have I loved my neighbour in such a way that my neighbour knows about my Creator?

Have I kept myself meaningfully occupied? Or am I still being swept along by the daily rush of things?

Have I given myself sufficient time and thought to reflect on each day's passing? Or am I just living an unreflected life, which is really, a wasted life?

Am I still listening out for that still small voice? Or have I shut it out in fear of what it might say to me?

Welcome 2011. There must be so much more.

Christmas Eve~

2010-12-24T15:01:00.002+09:00

Sparkling white snow. Blazing hot sun.

Clean crisp chilly air. Dusty humid hot air.

Slow reflective Christmas. Fully packed crazy Christmas.

Just when I thought I could "sort things out on my own" - I woke up sobbing with a heavy heart. The emotions were so intense and real.

I always try to make light of dreams like this, why read too much into something you don't really comprehend anyway?

But I think... as this festive season is fast zooming past me, as I'm being hurled into 2011 in a frenzy, there are certain things I need to work out with Him. To be real in sharing the Christmas story, to be real in conveying the truth in the birth of Christ, I must first experience for myself the transformation, the joy, the peace, the healing that come with His birth.

Is Christmas truly yours? Or is it another year of exchanging gifts, indulgence in good food + a big dose of alcohol... which, when the night is over, the cheer has died down, the crowd gone, the hangover subsided... just leave you feeling emptier than before?

death by the pudding

2010-12-01T15:05:00.007+09:00

that's WHY I should always always share my dessert.

***

banana (n) a kind of tropical fruit, ripe when yellow, comes in combs. White flesh beneath yellow skin.

bananany (adj) an expression used solely for banana-related food (eg. banana cake, banana pudding), to show how real or to describe the degree of banana taste in the said food. Adjective derived from "banana (noun)", created by JIS Siqin, on 1st December 2010 when she tasted an extraordinarily delicious banana pudding with butterscotch and vanilla ice-cream. I have never tasted such ~ pudding. The banana cake was so ~ that I can't imagine how much banana is used to bake it.

(quoted from Yin dictionary)

***

it was very bananany indeed~

too much of a good thing is not necessarily a good thing.

"aku dah jadi Kristian"

2010-11-27T12:28:00.002+09:00

I didn't expect the above declaration would bring so much joy!

"I've become a Christian"

As I said those words, a sudden joy rushed into my heart.

My replacement IC would have me, a citizen of Malaysia, registered as a Christian in the records.

Now... if only this isn't just on my IC. That it would be written all over me, all over my life, a stench to those who are perishing, but life and fragrance to those who will live to the end of days!!

rain...

2010-11-25T19:22:00.002+09:00

the rain seems to be stirring up some melancholiness in me.

it's the best time to be sitting in a nice cafe, watching the raindrops beat against the glass window, breathing in the tantalizing aroma of a good cuppa, pen in hand...

which reminds me. I haven't journaled. in ages. hmmmmm...

how convenient to blame the rain.

What day is it today?

2010-11-25T19:04:00.001+09:00

I feel like I'm living in a daze. What day is it today? What's on for this week? What's going on next?

Pop! Goes the Weasel!

2010-11-22T23:04:00.003+09:00

Pop!

by right the next line should be: Goes the Weasel. But in this case, it's:

Pop! Goes the Window!

and everything happened in slow mo.

I felt like I was watching a movie...

even more so when the glass came shattering down.

I'm ok. The car's ok. Just... more errands to run. A few inconveniences here and there. A few precious things gone. Affects the sentimentalist in me but ah well... I can't bring them to heaven with me anyway.

But I'm thankful. Really thankful. Could have been a lot worse.

And I'm certainly very very very grateful... for He has given me someone who was there, someone I hung on to, someone who talked me through until my mind cleared, someone who prayed for me, someone whose presence made me felt:

it's ok. everything's gonna be ok.

grrr~~

2010-10-06T23:00:00.002+09:00

When you have this sneaky suspicion that you're in avoidance mode, trying to run away... then u know perhaps it's high time to sit down with the Lord, sort it out... and then face it squarely.

*help!*

11 days to Cape Town~

2010-10-06T16:45:00.003+09:00

It hadn't quite sunk in that I'll be heading to Cape Town soon. It's like something that has been lingering at the back of my head for so long it has comfortably etched itself into the background and hasn't made its way to the foreground yet. Wait til I start packing. Maybe on the day I head to KLIA =)

But today, now, I think I'm quite ready to take a break from the Japan-China spat over Diaoyu Islands. Imagine God looking at His creations fighting over something He has freely given - to be explored, excavated for the good of all, enjoyed for His glory. Yet, His creations couldn't reach a consensus - oh no, it's belongs to me! No, it's mine! Hmmmm...

Quite thankful that Wen and Kan finally talked. At least something. In the heat of things when I have 6 commentaries lined up, I wish China and Japan would "get married". Yea, go learn about sacrificial love. Forget about the past mistakes and grudges, let go and move forward.

Of course it's easier said than done. Years and years of deep-seated hatred, humiliation, painful scars and perhaps still festering wounds. One claims to have compensated, apologised over and over, repeated expressions of deep remorse. The other saying it's not enough, not sincere, words not supported by behaviour. Having once held on to unforgiveness, bitterness, anger - which I thought were rightfully mine, I am thankful that grace and love have taught me to let go. It's really a yuck concoction - one that so poisons your heart, soul and mind. It wasn't easy, I don't claim to have done it on my own accord, but once you've learnt to release, man, you wonder how you could have held on to it for so long.

"It's not so simple la" - ya, ya, I know it's bilateral relations we're talking about here, with a complicated interweave of diplomatic relations, impregnated with serious economic overtones, affected by nationalistic sentiments. something like that. yea, many times in our human relationships too, "it's not that simple la". then we come up with this and that, and this and that... just to show that it's really not so simple. but is it really that complicated? I'm thankful for a low threshold for complicated things - my system jams up pretty quick, and then I can only throw my hands up in the air and dump everything at the foot of the cross.

At the cross.

Where love unconditional was displayed.

The love that covers over a multitude of sins.

The love that wipes away all anger, all bitterness, all unforgiveness.

The love that opens up the way to freedom.

We're only humans - whether you're the newspaper cutter getting black fingers every morning, or whether you're the Prime Minister of a big country making all the big decisions, trying to pacify your people to retain your position while trying to reconcile with the other uprising big powers. The source of unconditional love can never come from us - we dry up too soon, and our love is tainted, by all sorts of "complicated" human issues. We need to go back to the source of Love - God Himself.

Looking forward to Cape Town. I just hope Kan doesn't resign when I'm away. =)

=)

2010-10-04T00:25:00.001+09:00

'nuff said ;p

"What Child is This?"

2010-10-03T15:58:00.002+09:00

It's a bit too early for Christmas but it's never too early to start anticipating the excitement of Christmas, and the deeper significance Christmas has for one eh?

As the melodious voices of The Fidelis Singers ring in the comfy living room of the Laws, my mind is transported back to the cold, cold, beautiful white Christmas in Hirosaki and Ajigasawa. Every Christmas has been special in its own way since I came to know the true meaning of Christmas (that's when the Christmas story became my very own story too) but I guess having been a tropical girl all my life, a snow-white Christmas is hard to forget. Where it's freezing to the bones on the outside, but warm and cozy indoors, and in your heart.

2010 has been a very very eventful year - many ups, many downs, the ups making up for the downs. Sometimes I wonder if there's too many things happening, that I don't have sufficient time to savour and reflect on every important event of 2010. I'm being reminded that "only 1 thing is needed" and that is to sit @ His feet, and enjoy Him, being thankful for His faithfulness in bringing me through every season, and for the precious gifts He has bestowed upon me. Gifts, big and small. The biggest being the Saviour Himself - the gift of life in abundance in Him, who came 2000+ years ago as a tiny little helpless baby, wrapped in cloth, asleep in a manger.

And oh, what joyous news!!! That an old friend of almost 9 years has finally accepted this very precious Gift! A gift is not yours until you own it. And this Gift is just right there, waiting for you to reach out and claim Him as your own, just as He has given up His life for you. So dude, better late than never. May this Christmas come alive to you, that you may appreciate the significance of this Christmas story, and know that the Christmas story is your story too.

Passing through Bangkok on 15 Sept?

2010-09-12T22:37:00.002+09:00

Go grab your cuppa!

@ Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok

whirlwind~

2010-08-25T21:14:00.002+09:00

The whirlwind is fast subsiding. As the final waves swept over me, I am reminded of what Ajith Fernando wrote:

Beware of the sacrifice of family on the altar of service.

Beware of the sacrifice of (quality) time alone with God on the altar of busyness.

Beware of the sacrifice of the Word of God on the altar of experience.

Beware of the sacrifice of holiness on the altar of giftedness.

Beware of the sacrifice of integrity on the altar of money.

Beware indeed. I need to slow down, find a place to hide and reflect.

"Do you get attach?"

2010-08-24T01:03:00.004+09:00

On the very final day of a 3.5-weekends journey, I was posed this question.

"No..."

It's only been 3.5 weekends! Of course not! But something struck and I finished my answer truthfully:

"I don't allow myself to."

What revelation. So I learnt another thing about myself. Probably not something very new but it's not something I thought I'd have to face at this point of time.

With the ongoing mobile lifestyle, perhaps it's already ingrained in me that I don't expect to settle down. Or maybe, much as I want to, I can't. Don't know how to. Perhaps my mind tells me I'm here for a while, but subconsciously I hold people at an arm's length. So that when nobody misses you, it doesn't hurt, and when you have to tear yourself away it's not too difficult. After all, we're all pilgrims on the road, and hopefully, if we don't ever meet again here, we'll meet again in heaven.

On the other hand, I've learnt to connect deeply in a short period of time. I thank God for the deeply meaningful, hence, rich, friendships I have. But nothing lasts. People come, people go, we all move on.

Deep meaningful relationships are very enriching. Unfortunately, humans are very apt at hurting one another. Love hurts. Another revelation. It's crazy that the people you love most are the ones that hurt you the most. The people you allow to come closest to you are the ones you're inviting to pierce a sword through your heart. It's even more crazy that when you love someone, you end up hurting that someone. Forget the warm fuzzy feelings (I was told it's never about that in the first place) - love is cross-shaped, love til it hurts ya.

3.5 weekends. Much as I didn't allow myself to get very attached, if any at all, there was still a sinking feeling.

"but have not love"

Have you loved today?

needs to concentrate!

2010-08-19T23:09:00.002+09:00

...but my mind is everywhere!

the breath of fresh air wasn't as refreshing as I thought it would be. But nevertheless that must have been the answer to prayer(s). If only I'm not so fuzzy in the head and unsure. Takes faith to just step forward.

I enjoyed the night drive. Past cities and cities and cities. It was a nice feeling racing through the highways... but I caught myself squinting. Maybe I shouldn't drive when my eyes are tired. Or at least not drive so fast. Or... I can have another cuppa as I drive! =) Reminded me of the times I cycled furiously down Hirosaki streets, where the chill was cool and refreshing. I remember I used to have this fear of venturing too far out, whether by bicycle or on foot, lured by the unfamiliar unknown that lies ahead, so much so that I wouldn't know the way home or I'd be too tired to turn around and go home. The idea of being out there alone without the strength to move forward or to turn back scared me endless.

But now... it's just stepping on the accelerator and following road signs. Or so it seems. Nah, it's more than that, it's Him who has never failed to bring me "home", wherever that much needed refuel station had been. As I cruised by unfamiliar sights and zoomed through unknown highways, the welcoming embrace of familiarity entering my view again is a reminder that no matter where, what, how, He'll get me "home" - wherever that "home" might be.

The answer to the prayer(s)?

Be realistic.

Don't expect too much.

Love lots for love covers over a multitude of sins.

Keep moving forward.

Pray ceaselessly.

When one part suffers, the whole body suffers. Unfortunately, it's not until that one part suffers and malfunctions that the rest of the body realises how important that part of the body is. So now it's the right hand and the left hand. How the left hand wishes it can pull the right hand along! But I guess the left hand will just have to be patient and wait, and when the right hand is ok again then we'll get moving. In the meantime, the left hand will just wait.

Very random. If only I can throw all these aside and concentrate. *breathes in*

soar.run.walk.

2010-08-11T19:07:00.002+09:00

"Once you stop, it's difficult to start again."

How true. Last I ran/jog/walk was @ SC's. Doing 10km was unprecedented for me, the achievement was kinda sweet, but short-lived. And I never ran ever since.

soar. run. walk. isaiah 40:31. better to be walking than not at all. If I wanna attempt 21km next year, I better start walking today, run tomorrow... and hopefully soar next year.

another week!

2010-08-09T19:55:00.003+09:00

I got up this morning thinking - "what classes have I got today? Can I skip?"

Then I remembered, I'm no longer a student.

Getting out of bed seems to get harder these days. Uncle David explained that our bodies are wired to work only 6 days, with a day designated for Sabbath rest. Money work is work. But not doing money work doesn't necessarily mean rest.

What is the colour of autumn and where is the fragrance of spring?

How I long to worship Him amidst the beauty of His creation!

smile

2010-08-08T00:29:00.005+09:00

tired, but I'm all smiles. =)

it's been another crazy hectic day, rushing from one appointment to another. one of those days where there's so much I haven't done, I was trying to squeeze in time here and there, steal little snippets here and there to cram/do whatever last minute work I can manage.

and of course, I was running behind time all the time. it took some effort to calm myself down and remind myself that all I could do was... pray. The cars in front wouldn't move any faster, the red light wouldn't turn green any faster... there's nothing I could do to change the situation, except to pray.

Interestingly, I got to my first destination right on the dot. and being in Malaysia, that meant I was only the 2nd person to arrive. I relaxed and breathed my thanks to Him who kept me safe and restrained me from driving like a mad person.

Destination #2. Slow traffic again on a Sat lunch hour. Didn't help when I suddenly found the roads that I've just got accustomed to in Brickfields all changed to one-way streets, not in the direction I would normally take. Man, that means I have to crawl along the traffic and take a big round before I reach my destination? I'm gonna miss my timing, I'm gonna be late. Or so I thought. Then a turning on my right caught my eye - made a sudden decision to try that turning, thankfully no cars came head-on (it's pretty confusing not to know which is the right way anymore!), and voila! I found my intended destination just right in front of me.

To get to the next appointment for the night, thankfully the last, I had to leave right after Kairos. I pulled all the wires out, grabbed all my stuff and fled for my car - only to find that the whole carpark was jammed up with carsssssss, with 2 cars parked right at the entrance blocking the way out. I couldn't believe my eyes. If there's a fire we would all be nicely grilled. There's a big wedding going on in the church and well... someone just decided it's ok to park right in front of the only entrance into the church. Again, I could only pray and wait. pray and wait. pray and wait. I contemplated missing the last appointment altogether, which incidentally was also a wedding - I'm gonna miss my timing again, either I wouldn't be able to make it or I'll be super duper late. Perhaps I could cheer myself up with the famous Brickfields mamak food, but I felt the thing to do was to "pray and wait".

After some time, the car owner came and removed his nice big BMW. the 2nd car moved. and voila! I found myself turning round and round in circles in Brickfields following the one-way streets. Eventually I got directed out of the maze, got caught in another jam... ... ...

BUT.

eventually, I got home and reached where I was supposed to go right on time.

It baffles me that someone who drives a BMW would think it's ok to park his car right in front of a main gate and block the only entrance to the whole compound. But as I thought about the events of the day, I could almost hear God whispering into my ear...

"Pssst... I never miss a timing".

5 loaves & 2 fishes

2010-08-03T22:34:00.003+09:00

All "that" is taking its toll on me.

Even before anything has started I'm already too tired. "Staring" at the mental image of my plate, I'm not sure I wanna take any step forward. Not that going backward is an available option.

I suspect it's all in the mind. plus a bit of PMS. hmmmmm.

5 loaves & 2 fishes by Corrinne May

A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school

He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look

Thousands were listening to the stories of one man

He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night

Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight

The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had

He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus

The kindness in His smile

And the boy cried out

With the trust of a child

He said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small

And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands

And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have

Oh Lord, you can work miracles

All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes

Do with it as you will

I surrender

Take my fears and my inhibitions

All my burdens, my ambitions

You can use it all

I hope it's not too small

I trust in you

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
No gift is too small

*****************************

I'm not sure how much of those 5 loaves and 2 fishes are left, but take it and do with it as you will.

Worship

2010-08-03T16:09:00.003+09:00

"Worship is the nourishment of the mind upon God's truth.

Worship is the quickening of the conscience by God's holiness.

Worship is the cleansing of the imagination by God's beauty.

Worship is the response of my life to God's plan for my life."

-Sir William Temple, 17th century diplomat & author

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe" -Hebrews 12:28

Let my heart be wholly Thine.

"but have not love"

2010-08-01T21:38:00.001+09:00

Do you hear the resounding gong?

Clanging cymbal?

Empty words or genuine desire?

2010-07-19T20:43:00.004+09:00

Daily Breakthrough by Rod Parsley

Pursuit Is Proof

Thursday, 15 July 2010 12:00 AM EDT

As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. —Psalm 42:1

I told a friend of mine one time that I would love to play the piano like he did. He replied, "No you wouldn't. If you really wanted to play the piano you would be taking lessons and practicing every chance you could. Are you doing those things?"

Well, no, I wasn't. If I really wanted to play the piano I would have been taking some action and making some plans instead of just talking about it. When you really want something, you pursue it with your whole heart.

You say that you want the things of God, you want to operate in the gifts of the Holy Spirit and you want to have an anointing on your life—but are you pursuing Him? Are you climbing the mountain of God and, like Jacob, refusing to let go until He blesses you? When was the last time you spent time in prayer and in the Word?

Pursue Him with all your might. The proof of your desire is in your pursuit. The pursuit of God will lead to holiness, purity, passion, zeal, and power in your life.

************************************************************************

"Remember"

2010-07-19T18:22:00.003+09:00

"Experiencing God is like riding a roller coaster that never ends but gets better with each curve. He smiles with delight and enjoyment when He gazes on each one of us." -Mike Bickle

I've been prompted to REMEMBER - different parts of the journey, different scenes of the movie starring God and me, other characters that come and go, some disappear, some remain.

"Experiencing God is like riding a roller coaster that never ends"

most of the time we remember the downs more than the ups. many times we're so caught up with now, we don't remember yesterday. But as I allowed myself to be brought down memory lane, what was came back to mind and I am filled with thankfulness, to the point of tears. Kinda taken aback by the tears, which sprang out without any prior warning, triggered by an sms received @ 2am, read @ 4am. Tears, no longer of despair and sorrow, but tears of gratitude, tears which reminded me of His unfailing love, His goodness and His faithfulness - which build another layer of foundation for the challenges of tomorrow.

"but gets better with each curve"

Sometimes I'm afraid of the uphills - for fear that it leads to another deeper downhill. But really, I need a perspective change - I need to see that the downhills are preparation for the uphills, not the other way round. And no downhills are unnecessary. Yes, it gets better with each curve, and when I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to tell myself through gritted teeth that it's there whether I see it or not, and even if it takes forever to get there, I will get there.

"He smiles with delight and enjoyment when He gazes on each one of us."

The image of Christ gazing on His bride, the Church has been on my mind a lot lately. I find myself enjoying weddings these days - they're a foreshadow of the day He presents us to Himself as the radiant bride. & the smile, bursting forth with such great joy, on the bride's face is an indication of what it's meant to be when we really get to know Him. Ahhh... such is the treasure of the sheer joy and pleasure of knowing Him.

green pastures. a hut. a stream/waterfall. a cow.

2010-07-09T01:39:00.002+09:00

Beautiful relaxing image ain't it? I could almost lie down on the grass, hear the water flowing, feel the breeze against my cheek.

Except that reality couldn't be more different - pounding head, tensed shoulders, congested air passageway. signs of stress? maybe.

"you never write about happy days"

true. there were happy days. lots too. ok days are good as well. and in spite of everything, today's a good day!

and now I shall head for green pastures, where there's a hut, a stream/waterfall. and a cow. hmmmm... medium rare? ;p

what's stopping me?

2010-06-07T23:31:00.002+09:00

with a nose dripping like a tap (I finished 100 sheets of 2 ply tissue today!) and a groggy mind... I have perfect reasons to be on MC tomorrow.

even if I don't go see elephants in Pahang with my MC, even if I don't run off and do other things with my MC...

a quiet day of rest sounds good.

so what's stopping me?

unwanted

2010-06-07T21:06:00.006+09:00

when broken homes and separation affect not only humans, but innocent, unknowing pets as well.

Elmo: 2-year-old male Shih Tzu looking for loving owner (s). Very obedient, albeit very active and playful. Would make a great companion - seeking lots and lots of love and companionship (sits quietly next to you when you watch TV).

why wouldn't I keep him?

It's not fair to the cat.

He reminds me too much of myself. Way too much.

BE STILL & KNOW...

2010-06-03T22:27:00.003+09:00

In a time and place where people just tell you to serve, serve, serve, do something, do this, do that...

OK. Maybe they don't tell you, but they encourage you to be active and put your youthful vigour to good use, and make 101 requests.

OK. Maybe not 101 requests, but... yea.

OK. Maybe it's not like that at all. But sometimes it sure feels like it.

It's quite telling to have 2 big figures in your life of this season to tell you, "yes, on one hand, keep going, but what's more important now is to BE STILL, and KNOW that HE IS GOD."

BE still. Instead, I've gone the other way with "BE zee" (busy).

sigh.

2010 - a dreamy year

2010-06-02T00:29:00.004+09:00

I've been thinking a lot about "dreams" lately. Not specific dreams that I've been having, but a general sense of "dreams".

As I took the long weekend off, the fresh breath of air has helped to close a year long's nightmare. With finality I hope. It's a burden that's finally been lifted, I no longer wish to even remember any ounce of it. Whether or not things have been resolved properly, only God knows. I'm too good at having selective memory - I don't think I remember much of the nightmare anymore.

Last weekend I entered into another dream. A beautiful beautiful dreamland where your sorrows or troubles are gone momentarily - you sell them off at a price once you step into this dreamland. In my case, it was a treat of a lifetime. It almost felt like an invitation, an alluring invitation.

And then...

As with all good things, the weekend came to an end. I suppose it's not really fair to say that all good things come to an end. Bad things come to an end too, in fact, everything comes to an end, just that time flies when u're having a good time, but time seems to be dragging its feet when u're not. Towards the end of the dream, I knew that this good dream is giving way to reality and soon enough, I'll be returning to broken dreams.

So I've closed a nightmare - I have one less bad dream to deal with. Yet I cannot run away from the longstanding lingering bad dream. It felt like I was waking up from a good dream into a broken one. Well, at least it's not too depressing yet, 'cos like all good dreams, bad dreams come to an end too, and broken dreams will give way to mended dreams... where every tear will be wiped away and there shall be no more death, no more sorrow, no more crying, no more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Let me press on and persevere in this dream, until I finally wake up again, for the last time.

"The will of God will not bring me where the grace of God cannot keep me."

God of the Impossible

2010-05-14T22:20:00.002+09:00

When everything seems impossible...

Japanese subtlety

2010-04-28T23:18:00.004+09:00

One of them went back to Japan. Everyone thought it's for some important meeting, really short trip - 2 days off + weekend, total = 4 days.

He came back to work this morning, went round to every dept... with the nice lady from Admin. Imagine the shock they gave when they held up their left hands, shiny silver band on their fourth finger and said "We married".

Whoa. Right under our noses. And some of those noses are especially sharp. But nobody knew! Who knows what happens after 4:30pm? It's like Ben Stiller's "Night at the Museum" - things come alive after 4:30pm!

When probed,

guy: To me, we started in Jan.

girl: To me, only March.

it's only April!

Japanese subtlety - drops bombshells at u, leaving u standing transfixed, mouth open wide, for a few seconds. Well... it's not my first time.

Another one also left for Japan at the same time - for a week! Maybe we'll have to keep a lookout for the left fourth finger when she returns next week...

laughingstock

2010-04-14T22:45:00.002+09:00

so I've failed. it feels like the whole world is laughing at me. but I'm sure it's just my imagination. so what if they're laughing? they mocked at my Lord too. that glimmer of hope lines the horizon. yet, it simmers there in that faraway horizon - within sight, yet out of reach. when will it burst forth in glorious hope and pierce through the darkness?

School of Prayer

2010-04-12T19:23:00.004+09:00

"Prayer is not a means of removing the unknown and unpredictable elements in life, but rather a way of including the unknown and unpredictable in the outworking of the grace of God in our lives." -Ray Anderson, theologian

Jesus' own prayers for his disciples surely did not remove the 'unknown and unpredictable elements'. ... Eventually, however, eleven of the twelve underwent a slow but steady transformation, providing a kind of long-term answer to Jesus' original prayer. ... The one exception, Judas, betrayed Jesus and yet that very act led to the cross and salvation of the world. In strange and mysterious ways, prayer incorporates the unknown and unpredictable in the outworking of God's grace.

We want God to intervene more decisively, ...Jesus' prayers underscore God's style of restraint out of respect for human freedom.

When I betray the love and grace God has shown me, I fall back on the promise that Jesus prays for me, as he did for Peter: not that I would never face testing, nor ever fail, but that in the end I will allow God to use the testing and failure to mould me into someone more useful to the kingdom, someone more like Jesus.

from the Chapter "Why Pray?", [Prayer - Does it Make Any Difference] by Philip Yancey

I Just Wanna Love You

2010-04-08T20:16:00.005+09:00

Simply Love You ~Ginny Owens

Seems that life's become so complicated
I don't think it was meant to be this way
I find myself so distracted
Caught up in the chaos of each day

When did I stop asking for your wisdom?
As if your words were meant for someone else
Why do I choose to second-guess you?
Oh I only frustrate and confuse myself

I just wanna love you, Simply love you
The way it used to be
When your love was new to me
I just wanna love you, simply love you
To hear what you say and live every day
Like you asked me to
I just wanna simply love you

Many times you spoke of us as children
Childhood seems to me so long ago
You say I can trust you like I did then
If I give you my hand you will lead me home

I just wanna love you, Simply love you
The way it used to be
When your love was new to me
I just wanna love you, simply love you
To hear what you say and live every day
Like you asked me to

Oh...to fall on my knees
With the freshest belief
Stirred once again by the story
of how you loved me

I just wanna love you, Simply love you
The way it used to be
When your love was new to me
I just wanna love you, simply love you
To hear what you say and live every day
Like you asked me to
I just wanna simply love you

****

If loving you was that simple.

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other

2010-04-08T19:48:00.002+09:00

This Road ~Ginny Owens

A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears
and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe you haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me

And I ask why this road
Why this way and this load
Tell me how far must I go
Til I see, Til I know why this road

A million miles away from anything familiar
What was it like to be so far from home
And though You came in love
the world misunderstood You
There must have been some days when You felt so alone
But You endured 'cause there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times

When I ask why this road
Why this way and this load
Tell me how far must I go
Til I see, Til I know why

From here I cannot see why You choose this path for me
But I don't have to understand to believe
that You know why
You know why this road
Why this way and this load
You know how far I must go
Til I see, Til I know why this road

O The Wonderful Cross

2010-03-31T23:15:00.002+09:00

Just read an article - "Share Christ's Sufferings". Reminded me of the time in Japan when we were pondering over the verse Col 1:24. Not just"we" in Japan, but also you, in country Z.

Col 1:24

"Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church."

"It's a cross, not a magic wand."

Amen.

Love is not heart-shaped, but cross-shaped.

Amen.

O the Wonderful Cross...

Bids me Come.

and Die.

and Find.

that I.

may Truly Live.

Am I truly living?

Have I even begun to truly live?

new buddy!!!

2010-03-31T19:25:00.002+09:00

My new buddy at work came yesterday when I wasn't in the office. It was nice to have him there, sitting smartly on my desk, beckoning me to start work. His name came when I saw him: Sam. Sleek, elegant, efficient and inviting.

Hehe, this probably sounds silly but yea... I have a new comp @ work, and I'm calling him Sam. Yes, it's a "him". It's funny to think that I'd rather stay on and work, though my boss had told me to go to the doc's (for the MC) and home (for the rest).

Well well... wouldn't do to leave my new buddy alone eh? Gotta spend some quality time with him.

Ahhh... little perks at work.

越走越精彩

2010-03-25T21:11:00.002+09:00

是的，与神同步起走唯有越走越精彩。眼虽看不见，头脑虽摸不着，但信心的双眼直盯在十架上，盼望从基督中索取。

确实对精彩的路程充满期待，却在这一时刻有点累了。可以先稍微休息一下吗？

It's a hymn!

2010-03-22T00:38:00.002+09:00

Begone, unbelief; my Savior is near,
and for my relief will surely appear;
by prayer let me wrestle, and he will perform;
with Christ in the vessel, I smile at the storm.

Though dark be my way, since he is my guide,
'tis mine to obey, 'tis his to provide;
though cisterns be broken and creatures all fail,
the word he has spoken shall surely prevail.

His love in time past forbids me to think
he'll leave me at last in trouble to sink;
while each Ebenezer I have in review
confirms his good pleasure to help me quite through.

Why should I complain of want or distress,
temptation or pain? He told me no less;
the heirs of salvation, I know from his word,
through much tribulation must follow their Lord.

How bitter that cup, no heart can conceive,
which he drank right up that sinners might live;
his way was much rougher and darker than mine;
did Jesus thus suffer, and shall I repine?

Since all that I meet shall work for my good,
the bitter is sweet, the med'cine is food;
though painful at present, 'twill cease before long;
and then, O how pleasant the conqueror's song!

Amen.

Divine Guide

2010-03-21T18:45:00.001+09:00

Begone unbelief, my Savior is near,
And for my relief will surely appear;
By prayer let me wrestle and He will perform;
With Christ in the vessel, I smile at the storm.

Though dark be my way, since He is my guide
'Tis mine to obey, 'tis His to provide;
Though cisterns be broken and creatures all fail,
The word He hath spoken shall surely prevail.

~John Newton

School of Pain

2010-03-08T23:33:00.003+09:00

Many times, I've eyed my Lord through my tears from the corner of my eye, wondering if He really knew how I felt. yea... sure, He knows pain, but what about the kind of pain I'm having?

His pain sounds noble.

Mine? I probably deserve it, such a wretched fallen sinner.

Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."
-Matthew 26:38

During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.
-Hebrews 5:7

Loud cries and tears. From the deep recesses of his heart. He was heard. But was he spared the cross?

"Not my will but Yours be done"

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death"
-Philippians 3:10

"Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church."
-Colossians 1:24

I'm not doing exegesis here, pardon me if I'm out of context. But now, I'm slowly learning - that instead of asking:

"Does He understand my pain?"

I ask - "Have I understood His?"

it's just a passing phase

2010-03-04T18:17:00.002+09:00

as suddenly as it came, it left.

so I'm ok again, things are ok - and I'll brace myself for the next wave.

God has funny ideas...

2010-03-03T00:35:00.003+09:00

So you're allowing Him freedom to write His Story with your life, the way He would have it, as much as your sinful wretched self could hand over control to Him. It's quite an exciting journey really, chapter by chapter, you learn to trust Him more, you learn to let go and allow Him more control. Until you realize that, hey! that pencil you're holding together with Him has two sharpened ends! and even as you continue to allow Him to write this story, the other sharpened end facing you seems to be jabbing hard at you and it so pierces your heart.

Sorry. Didn't mean to make Him out as a sadistic maniac. No, no... He's the loving Father, whose love never fails. It's when we're so selfishly focused on our own pains and hurts that we forget who He really is. After all, we need someone to throw our anger at. So there goes. Yet, He's the meek and gentle Lamb, who never answers back, who takes every insult hurled at Him, and looks back at us with eyes filled with love.

"I'm lost in wonder,

lost in love,

lost in praise forevermore.

Because of Jesus' unfailing love,

I'm forgiven,

I am restored."

I need restoration. And I need to lose myself in wonder, in love and in praise for Him once more.

So I hit the Wall a while ago. And in the process of thinking, it came to realization that it's when things are the toughest, when you go through fire and storm with someone that relationship is built and refined. So if He wouldn't speak when things are ok, or maybe I just wasn't listening, or receptive enough to hear Him, then let me ask for trouble, let me ask for more pain, let me ask for difficult times. Just so that I am close to Him once again. Was it Lewis that said pain is God's loudspeaker?

And guess what? He doesn't tarry to answer those sort of prayers.

Yea, God seems to have funny ideas. I don't understand His ways - fair enough, His ways and thoughts are way higher than mine. Years of being on my own has taught me a lot about the self's defense mechanism. It's up on high alert mode now. One's gotta fend for oneself, no? So you put up a fight, until you realize that the One you're fighting against is the One you can trust. But it's not so easy to let go, so maybe I'll keep fighting until I'm too tired to keep up. Better be sooner than later.

Sigh. For you who think I have too many good stories to tell, this is a glimpse of what it's like before the best parts come around, those parts you get to hear. I'm no saint, the road ain't easy, but the victory is sure. As long as we allow Him to work...

女人一生中最珍贵的东西

2010-02-28T21:26:00.003+09:00

As the ladies were comparing their LVs and Coaches, one of them remarked:

"女人一生中一定要有一样珍贵的东西”

true.

As I looked at their LV and Coach, I thought: "Give me my JC!"

To my fellow coffee drinkers...

2010-02-27T17:09:00.001+09:00

*cheers*

突然に。。。

2010-02-26T22:11:00.002+09:00

。。。日本語の勉強に戻りたい。日本語で話したい。日本で会った友達からメッセージを読んで、本当に懐かしいなあああ。。。

Looking for distractions?

”ただいま！”

2010-02-16T17:25:00.002+09:00

I'm home! =)

It's been a long long while since it felt so good to be "home". Not a mere initial-phase kinda excitement bubble that bursts when reality sets in, but a deeper sense of joy - even when the reality cards are out on display.

The saying goes: "Home is where the heart is". I'm not sure if I've quite found my heart yet, but it's been handed over to the Healer, to the One who makes me whole. Home isn't really about a geographical location, nor a familiar structure one grew up in. I might even go as far as to say (and risk criticism) - perhaps it's not the people either. Home is... being where He wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do. But wait... perhaps my heart has taken a step ahead of me and found its resting place in its Maker.

I'm home! =)

What's in a name?

2010-02-06T23:20:00.003+09:00

Walking down the coffee aisle on my first trip to Tesco Malaysia, it was pretty amusing to find this particular brand of coffee I've never seen or heard before.

The name?

"Kanasai Cafe Slim".

I can understand if this particular brand of coffee came from Japan, but no, it's from Malaysia.

hmmmmm... I'm not sure I wanna have Kanasai coffee.

U-turn

2010-02-05T00:25:00.002+09:00

"The U-turn will surely come, it's just whether we hang around or cling on long enough until it does."

I said that tonight.

On one hand, it's a U-turn for which we wait, not knowing how else to make it happen by our own wisdom or ability - one that we need an external agent to turn us around. But on the other, it's a choice we make. Perhaps, in many cases, it is first a CHOICE we make, and then the external agent gets re:ACT1v8d to usher us into the full U-turn proper.

Do you need to make a U-turn today?

the Wall

2010-02-05T00:17:00.002+09:00

I feel like I've been facing this Wall for a while. It's not an intimidating Wall at all, in fact, it's a nice sturdy, even dependable, trustworthy Wall. Sounds good eh? But... it's still a Wall. I think I've been trying to remove this Wall... but after a while, I'm beginning to wonder, perhaps this Wall is meant to be here. Whether I like it or not, whether I kick, scream or cry, it's here to stay, so might as well get used to it and move with it rather than trying to tear it down. After all, life needs to go on. No more trying to march around the Wall 7 times. Just keep walking with it and perhaps, someday, the Wall will just talk to me.

who understands the heart of a father?

2010-01-12T00:09:00.003+09:00

No one, except the Father Himself.

and only the Father Himself understands that searing pain I've just seen.

I didn't do very well today. Just when I thought things are heading uphill and ppl are telling me that some things have changed, in me...

Not that that ain't true. In fact, it IS true - and it is only through trials and challenges that those changes get tested, refined, and strengthened.

So what if I didn't fight my battles very well today? So what if I feel kinda bla now? I will still choose to go to bed and end the day praising Him.

I still don't have many answers. I don't have any answers in fact. I still don't know what to do. I am tempted to give in and crumble - but that, is learned behavior. Instead, I will rise, because He has called my name. I will rise on eagle's wings:

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

"I Will Rise" - Chris Tomlin

As someone puts it, I'm no longer a Kancil. I'm a Humvee. just found out that's short for High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll do better tomorrow. In Him, I will.

2010!!!

2010-01-03T23:32:00.002+09:00

*close eyes*

*breathe in*

*pause*

*smiles*

Favourite drink of the year: Barley.

Christmas is in the air!

2009-12-24T00:13:00.003+09:00

Yes, Christmas has been in the air since shops started their Christmas specials, restaurants offering their Christmas packages, people planning Christmas gatherings, churches filled with Christmas activities...

but Christmas isn't about Rudolf and his red nose, nor Santa and his sleigh. Nor is it about having nice jazzy Christmas music, or dreams about a white Christmas elsewhere. Nope, it's not about eggnog lattes, and definitely not about romance, as the world defines it. Neither is it about hyped up unsubstantiated feelings, kinda like a balloon - u go higher and higher and higher and on boxing day, your balloon burst and everything falls flat, the emptiness lingers on...

yet, there is that sense of "magic" in Christmas.

the "magic" that sustained me through a low Christmas last year, the "magic" that saw me through a difficult year, the "magic" that sees things turning around, such that I am no longer on a low Christmas this year, the "magic" that ignites the excitement and anticipation for the coming year...

oh! the "magic" that works wonders - when i close my eyes and breathe, i can almost inhale thin crisp chilly air, and smell faithfulness in it all.

this Christmas I re-embrace the "magic" that so teased and invited me towards it even long before I understood the reason for Christmas.

the "magic" lies in the word "Emmanuel".

Emmanuel - the greatest gift ever.

Emmanuel. God with us.

tear down those doors!

2009-12-05T22:18:00.003+09:00

Our church is finally ready!

Just last weekend, all eyes were on the few macho men who carried those heavy wooden doors and held our breath as we watched them installed each door to the hinges.

Today, as I journal-ed away during reflection time, the voices of the YA rang out from the sanctuary, through closed doors. The thought that came to mind was - "We really should tear down our doors and let the angelic voices ring outwards!" It's a good way to be an attractive force. Even if people outside can hear the singing (I doubt it), the reluctance barrier is much higher if they have to make the effort to walk in, reach out to open those somewhat intimidating, almost uninviting wooden doors.

As such, we have to go out. Be the expansive force instead.

斩草不除根。。。

2009-11-25T19:23:00.001+09:00

春风吹又生。

need to get the root out of my system.

much needed Sabbath

2009-11-23T21:22:00.004+09:00

Recently it struck me that I haven't had a proper Sabbath in a while. Wait a minute... what's a proper Sabbath anyway? During my student days, as long as I'm not studying - that's Sabbath. Well, kinda. Nevermind that I was doing CF stuff. It's refreshing to be away from the books and libraries so when I chose to set aside Sunday to stay away from books and assignments - that's a good enough Sabbath. How far away can God be in your thoughts when u're doing CF stuff?

Now that I've stepped into the working world... what's Sabbath? I used to work Saturdays, full day. So Sunday was really a day of rest. I was too pooped to do anything else anyway. When I don't have to work Sat anymore, I thought - great! 2 days of rest! But old habits die hard - I started to fill my schedule with many good stuff. I soon got reminded that not doing money-making activities does not equate Sabbath. And trying to keep going without proper rest for months? whoa. Who do I think I am?

Thank God that the Japanese have set aside a day as Labor Thanksgiving Day. Finally I got to sleep in til 9am, after months and months of waking up early. That 9am should be considered "sleeping in" is a warning sign that I am... erm, progressing along this journey called life (oh, don't get misled, I am still very young ;p ). It's nice to be able to chuck my to-do list aside (will worry about that tomorrow), read, sleep, read some more and doze off some more.

But as the cliche goes, time flies when u're having a good time. Sigh.

Perhaps I need to incorporate regular Sabbath/rest/slow down times into my weekly schedule. If only the world would stop spinning for a day every week.

6 months

2009-11-05T23:33:00.002+09:00

"How's work?"

"How are u finding ur job scope?"

Friends ask this as conversation starter. Some really do care and want to know. My colleague seems to be waiting for me to get bored and restless soon... She didn't think I'd stay long.

Well, I must confess my heart and mind aren't really at work. But didn't I pray for something that'll allow me to focus on something else? I come alive after working hours (if I get enough sleep, that is). It's hard to sit still waiting for the minutes to tick by when there's not enough work to keep me busy, but I must remember I am where He has placed me. Like my colleague said, this is just a "part-time" job. We have a full-time job elsewhere, where our heart and mind truly lies.

Emmanuel

2009-10-13T22:11:00.002+09:00

Emmanuel = God with us.

This word has increased in the depth of its meaning for me over the years.

it is a word worth meditating over, pondering over and keeping in your heart.

Emmanuel. God with us.

Double Take @ DFP

2009-10-12T23:59:00.003+09:00

it was a totally enjoyable hour. angelic voice + amazing guitar skills.

it's like magic entering your soul and the music takes you away from everything else in your mind...

and when u leave the concert hall... u take a little bit of that magic with you.

ahhhh.... the little pleasures in life.

mac-ing

2009-10-11T20:51:00.002+09:00

i never thought the day will come when i'll actually be using a mac. it's like - how do i know what button to press and where to find what?

recently, there's been so many new things coming my way, sometimes I wonder if i'm still me.

it's not that bad. if we limit ourselves to what we're used to at a young age, then life'd be pretty boring eh?

if we're looking for adventures, for exciting journeys, then i'd say - get onboard His plan! not sure where to start? on our knees.

"and I stand, I stand, in awe of You"

2009-10-04T22:11:00.004+09:00

the biggest theme this year, is perhaps, how God's grace and mercy have so enveloped me that I stand in awe, speechless, astounded when I reflect on the journey in the past year. In fact, things have turned around in less than a year - waaaaay faster than I had expected.

something said today made me wonder, perhaps He did try to work on me once I touched down on homeground. I just wasn't ready. apparently my body language was all "back off" and "give me time".

and perhaps for that, I had to take the longer route - few months through the desert dry land.

few months is but a little detour. that His hands would lift me up again, turn me around in less than a year - speaks of the depth of His mercy, the richness of His grace.

I am led to think, that perhaps, all along He is extending His outstretched arm to us - it's just how long will we take to finally realize that it's no point writhing with pain in our own sorrow and misery?

a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

a garment of praise,

instead of a spirit of despair.

(Isaiah 61)

what's in a name?

2009-10-02T23:58:00.006+09:00

思 - think of; long for; miss

亲 - parent

I've always thought my dad was thinking of, missing his parents when I was born and hence he gave me my name. Never mind that my last name has the same sound as the Chinese negation.

Then I found out yesterday that actually, dad obtained my name from the Chinese saying:

“独在异乡为异客，每逢佳节倍思亲“

"All alone in a foreign land, I am twice as homesick on a festive occasion"

yea, I know. What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But as I pondered over it, I can't help but wonder...

perhaps unbeknownst to dad, he has already "released" me - to the ends of the earth. The only condition, is that I'll remember him and mum.

digging deeper

2009-10-01T00:11:00.002+09:00

He took a big spade and dug deeper and revealed silly unfounded fears that weren't supposed to be there.

Or maybe I just haven't noticed them.

it's unnerving. but it's stuff that needs to be dealt with.

Father, have mercy on me.

need more adrenaline

2009-09-19T02:55:00.002+09:00

I must have been running on adrenaline today and I think my adrenaline hype came and peaked at the wrong time and just as I need to climb uphill somemore, the adrenaline level has sharply declined, leaving me somewhat blank in the mind and breathless.

yikes!

the Sixth Sola

2009-09-14T23:25:00.000+09:00

Sola Deprecatio.

a rising generation of rebels?

2009-09-13T18:15:00.002+09:00

i think one of the things young people have been blessed with, is that rebellious streak - that refusal to conform and swallow everything shoved down their throats.

people are struggling to get free. it's like that caterpillar turning butterfly process where the caterpillar has to keep struggling to free itself.

observations in my first year back in Malaysia have repeatedly led to similar certain questions, a degree of discontent and the increasing awareness of an instinctive rebellious streak in myself. Now, is that something we should all frown upon and say no no to? I am tempted to, or even did, feel somewhat guilty for being so uncooperative at the unseen level in the depths of my heart and have tried to keep it hidden. unfortunately, i have my little outbursts, which I feel bad about. but today, when i see that same rebellious streak in an email from another young person, i'm amused. we're a generation of rebels man!

but of course, unguided rebellion could be fatal.

that's why we need to get on our knees and pray, and our actions should come as a result of our prayers and intimate walk with the Lord.

just minutes ago, i was in church listening to Dr. Paul Davies talk about contextualized missional theology. i can understand where he's coming from and where he's going. Dr. Davies was talking about contextualized missional theology. I think we need contextualized generational theology too.

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." -1 Timothy 4:12

but when we are fearful to step out, not sure of ourselves and not sure if what we do is "right" (more in the sight of God rather than of man), what's gonna gives us assurance and confidence?

The next verse says:

"...devote youself to the public reading of Scripture...."

Call me quoting out of context if you like. But yea, let's dig into the Word.

And if we have to rebel, rebel in love.

doing vs. being

2009-09-09T00:36:00.002+09:00

"Have you heard yourself in the past few days? You've always asked 'what should I do?' or 'how do I...'. Don't get so caught up with the doing, just BE."

It's not about the doing. It's about BEING.

Let me cease from doing tonight, head to bed early for once, and just BE.

Good night, Abba.

12 days

2009-09-07T21:56:00.001+09:00

is it only 12 days til thePlan09?

I think I have butterflies in my stomach. it's the first time I've ever had pre-conference jitters.

~Fri~

2009-09-04T19:08:00.002+09:00

It wasn't until 2 hours after I started work that I began to feel like I'm finally awake. Not fully, but at least partially awake.

I blame the coffee.

blurry eyes

2009-09-03T01:05:00.002+09:00

When things start to appear blurry, it clearly means it's time for bed. Even when I still have 101 urgent things lined up. ok, maybe not 101, but maybe 10.1.

Tomorrow will come. In fact, it's already here. Let me not cheat myself by stealing the hours of "tomorrow" and use it for yesterday.

a BIG surprise

2009-08-25T21:27:00.003+09:00

I haven't had such a big surprise for a long time. Admittedly I was looking for registration forms. I even prayed for it man (*apologetic look to Iris*). But instead, I was caught by a huge surprise! Such great delight! *All smiles*

After being told to WATCH - Monday night's surprise was kinda like a prelude to further surprises He has in store.

I'm excited! Gotta Watch Him. Wait in anticipation, and Watch.

OK Lord, now...

for the registration forms. ;p

a good cuppa

2009-08-22T00:38:00.002+09:00

today, i felt like i really needed a good cuppa.

Zilch
Cafe Jeeba
Cafe Iris
Pebble Cafe

Ahhh... the good cuppas of yesteryears. When I craved for my good cuppa today, my mind searched high and low for one that would satisfy... I could only think of Delicious. Maybe I need to increase my exposure to cafes around in KL.

Just a random photo I felt like putting up:

bring back the anxiety...

2009-08-12T23:53:00.001+09:00

...that'll perhaps drive me to my knees more.

not a bad thing ay?

not a bad thing at all.

"mathematically impossible"

2009-08-09T21:30:00.003+09:00

I was running late so I squeezed my car into that tiny little space between the tiara and the wall. God brought along Uncle Damien and Aunty Yoke Lin to watch out for me. After getting parked, I couldn't get through the space between my car & the tiara in front, but thankfully I just managed to squeeze through the space between my car & the wall.

When a friend saw my car, he went "it's mathematically impossible to get out". I was almost beginning to worry a little. But if I could get my car in, then I could get my car out right?

With some pushing (so that I don't bang the wall or the tiara should I ever so lightly tap on the accelerator), after lotsa of twisting the steering right right right, then left left left, we got the car out!

I suppose perhaps it might not have been so impossible, but what struck me from this little incident is that - it never occurred to me that it wasn't a possible thing, that it would be difficult or I wouldn't be able to do it. I needed to park my car, there was a little space and I went in.

It's not about my driving skills. Now if you know the way I drive, you would understand what I'm saying. My friends used to take over the wheels just to park my car for me back in college days.

It's about how when we're given a task, He will equip us with everything we need to get that task accomplished. From bringing along Uncle & Aunty to help, and then more friends later to help, and of course with divine technical help from Him, God parked the car for me. Another important thing is, the thought that it's not do-able never crossed my mind, and when I don't think that it's impossible, fear don't come in and grip me.

I still don't think it's anxiety that's been keeping me from sleeping in the past week. I'd like to think it's excitement. Although I must admit that, somewhere between now and theplan09, there are some missing pieces that I have yet to see coming into the picture. But praise be to God - He is the God who is able to do immeasurably more than what I can ask for or imagine. And the important thing is, I don't think I'm doubting that it will come to pass (or maybe I've learnt to suppress disbelief well? hope not). That's why I think excitement is a more appropriate explanation to my sleepless nights.

Now... to learn to sleep in spite of the excitement. That's divinely possible.

theplan09, Malaysian Youth Missions Conference: Sept 20-23

2009-08-07T19:41:00.003+09:00

http://www.theplan09.weebly.com

liberated

2009-08-06T18:59:00.002+09:00

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." -John 8:36

You know that deep seething anger that burns in your heart, which you just can't seem to shake out of it no matter how much you want to be free? The shackles that so binds you that you cry out for deliverance?

I have been set free.

All praise and glory unto Him.

"What joy shall fill my heart"

2009-08-05T19:38:00.002+09:00

"Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God to Thee,
How Great Thou Art,
How Great Thou!"

There's a stanza that goes:

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

Already, the joy is filling my heart and I proclaim "My God, my great Thou art!"

Mountaintop experiences aren't a daily thing, but sometimes, it doesn't take much to be teleported to the mountaintop - and there,

"then sings my soul, my Saviour God to Thee,
how Great Thou Art, How Great Thou Art!!"

You know, my words fail to describe the feeling - it's kinda like joy bursting forth from the heart. I don't even know why and where this joy came from. But let me remember this moment, especially in times when the waves are a little rough, and know that Hope is never far off.

hmmmm...

2009-08-04T18:21:00.001+09:00

Sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy.

But I think maybe I just need sleep.

shackles of my own making

2009-07-20T23:57:00.002+09:00

"The Christian life begins when we are released from the prisons of our own making. The love of the cross unlocks the prison doors of memory. The past is forgiven and the future is open to new possibilities... The past can be neither a source of confidence nor a condemnation. God graciously divided our life into days and years so that we could let go of the yesterdays and anticipate our tomorrows... We are liberated to accept and love ourselves as loved by the Lord. This unshackles our relationships."
-Lloyd Ogilvie, "God's Transforming Love"

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" -John 8:36

"Heaven is a divine reality on earth"

2009-07-19T13:13:00.004+09:00

After weeks and months in Romans, having finally reached the long-awaited section on "hope", today's sermon (to be uploaded soon) wrapped it up beautifully.

I'm reminded of this song "There Is A Day" by PHATFISH, theme song for TSCF Mid-Year Conference 2007.

There is a day
That all creation's waiting for,
A day of freedom and liberation for the earth.
And on that day
The Lord will come to meet His bride,
And when we see Him
In an instant we'll be changed

The trumpet sounds
And the dead will then be raised
By His power,
Never to perish again.
Once only flesh,
Now clothed with immortality,
Death has now been
Swallowed up in victory

We will meet Him in the air
And then we will be like Him
For we will see Him, as He is
Oh yeah!
Then all hurt and pain will cease
And we'll be with Him forever
And in His glory we will live
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

So lift your eyes
To the things as yet unseen,
That will remain now
For all eternity.
Though trouble's hard,
It's only momentary
And it's achieving
Our future glory.

This song had resonated deep within when I heard it in 2007 - yet for me it pointed to a fuzzy place in the future, something ahead to long for, to stretch out for and to wait patiently for.

Today's message drove home the point: "Heaven is a divine reality on earth" - confirmation of a truth I've been introduced to at KGK's Spring Camp in March 2008. Amidst the grief, pain, sorrows, injustice and frustrations of the world, God has built His Church - not that we can be cordially pleasant on the surface, but to experience deep joy in Him and also to groan with the world as the creation groans:

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. "
-Romans 8:18-25

It's not so bad to be groaning after all.

"ただいま！"

The warrior is a child

2009-07-19T12:28:00.003+09:00

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

Warrior is a Child by Twila Paris.

This pseudo-warrior has deep emotional wounds that don't seem to heal. Well-buried hurts that get unearthed every once in a while weaken the arms to carry the large heavy sword. In fact, momentarily, this pseudo-warrior can no longer remember how to fight the battle and run the good race.

dramas

2009-06-30T21:34:00.003+09:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a few dramas going on simultaneously. Some of which I'm starring, some of which I'm just a side-kick, some, a k-leh-feh. It's tiring having my hands dirtied with so many dramas going on at the same time - some times I'd just like to zoom out and watch the dramas from the "outside". I suppose one could learn to remove oneself, it's perhaps less emotionally draining to be an audience. A not-so-absorbed audience, that is. I keep getting reminded of how I was howling after watching "Sophie Scholl - The Final Days".

So... what's my conclusion?

I suppose for some dramas, the show has to go on. But surely I can choose the dramas I want to be more involved in. The others I can afford to just let them pass me by. There's one Bigger Drama, the Biggest, in fact, which I've gotta put myself in, if I'm not already in it. I'm sure there's a casting role for me in there, I just need to ask Him for the script. Perhaps, just perhaps, when I learn my lines properly and get into the heart of this Drama, the others will diminish increasingly and wouldn't affect me as much.

In a nutshell, choose your dramas. The not so heart-wrenching ones.

The Salad Initiative

2009-06-30T19:39:00.002+09:00

It's kinda amusing how people started bringing salad for lunch after I began having salad for lunch about 1.5 weeks ago.

If only I could impart other more important, life-changing, habits/way of thinking.

Hopefully, year(s) later when I leave, I wouldn't leave just a salad trail behind.

closure

2009-06-27T20:46:00.001+09:00

A year ago, I learned that we don't have to pursue closure for everything. Some things can be left as it is and we can still move on happily.

Today, I learned of one closure we MUST have. The sooner the better.

The closure of the Great Commission.

Oh, I can't wait!

"Come Lord Jesus, come."

"Where are My people who will pray?"

2009-06-27T19:55:00.002+09:00

I "heard" this again today. It was the same thing I heard about a week ago at the church's corporate prayer meeting. But today, it was almost like it was intended to nudge me out of my seat and to push me into prayer.

"Where are the people who will pray?"

"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
-2 Chronicles 7:14

Mid-Week

2009-06-17T22:11:00.002+09:00

I have a piece of assignment for work which is due "end of the week". When I first received the assignment, I thought - end of the week, I still have time.

It wasn't until my colleague asked me "Don't you have something to submit tomorrow?" that I realised - hey! it's already Mid-Week and one week isn't that long. I still have my daily work, pending work that was supposed to have come in since Monday, another last minute assignment that just came in today... Yikes!

I'm trying to get inspiration. It's a writing assignment. Shouldn't be difficult. Shouldn't take too long. I wish writing that piece of assignment is like writing a blog post. But somehow the words, ideas aren't coming. Ahh~ the reminiscence of student days. Deadlines, writer's block. Praying for every paragraph.

Better call it a night. Get some good sleep. and perhaps, the words will flow tomorrow.

not just a holiday activity

2009-06-16T18:08:00.002+09:00

"i spent most of the time home and pondering about life and events..."

my friend spent her holiday as mentioned above.

that's what I miss about being a student and having long (and lots of) holidays.

except one would find me in a cafe instead. pondering about life and events.

the long waits at the airport. bus-rides. road-trips. staring into space. being alone.

pondering about life and events.

gotta learn how to do that without the holidays. in the midst of people.

"strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees"

2009-06-14T20:46:00.002+09:00

yes, my feeble arms and weak knees need some working out and strengthening. I've been on my bum for too long and have shamefully allowed myself to get lazy - not that I ever was very diligent to begin with.

time to get up and get moving!

O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go

2009-06-03T00:51:00.002+09:00

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light that foll'west all my way,
I yield my flick'ring torch to Thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I trace the rainbow thru the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from Thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

Lyrics: George Matheson
Music: Albert Lister Peace

A hymn to comfort one who feels like bursting into tears. For no apparent reason. The unfathomable twist of emotions.

Burst into tears.

And run.

Into His arms.

Martha-ing again

2009-05-10T23:47:00.001+09:00

sigh. I always catch myself Martha-ing.

Lord, Mary-nize me!

saturdaysunday

2009-05-10T22:50:00.003+09:00

breakfast7amimbimarkethainancoffeepopiahdukehighwayhomemelawati
wangsamelawatiacrlunchyongtaufuchucheongfunmelawatihomecarrefour
homebranmuffinsevangelpjss2booksbiblesbooksbiblespaviliontgiffoodfun
friendsfarewellhomewebsiteeggseggseggstomatoeszzzzzzzzzzzzzeggs
tomatoesbreadsandwicheschurchrefreshingrefreshmentswashhomelunch
paperscgsophieschollsthefinaldaystearssnifflelotsatissuescannotstopcrying
teabreakhomechangedinnerdeliciousyummyqualityfooddelectabledesserts
sungaiwangfolderslabelsmarkershomewebsite

*phew*

I'm quite ready to take a 5-day break from the weekend.

it's Friday!

2009-05-09T00:59:00.002+09:00

And my weekend has started! Wooo-hoooo~

I'm actually rather tired, and am on my way to bed. Most of the time when I go to bed, I just fall asleep as I am. Neutral. Tired.

Tonight, tired as I am, I suspect I'm going to fall asleep smiling. =)

First Day Jitters

2009-05-04T22:26:00.003+09:00

"Butterflies! Butterflies! Butterflies!
Calm down! Be still! and be no more..."

ugh. I only know too well that in less than 19 hours' time, I'd heave a sigh of relief, be filled with a surge of thankfulness and laugh at my own silliness.

Every Day is a Gift from GOD...

39 days left

New Black Coffee Lab

God is bigger than my circumstances

new motivation to blog

a confession

de-activated?

burnt

self-deception

stepping into 2011!

Christmas Eve~

death by the pudding

"aku dah jadi Kristian"

rain...

What day is it today?

Pop! Goes the Weasel!

grrr~~

11 days to Cape Town~

=)

"What Child is This?"

Passing through Bangkok on 15 Sept?

whirlwind~

"Do you get attach?"

needs to concentrate!

soar.run.walk.

another week!

*smile*

5 loaves & 2 fishes

Worship

"but have not love"

Empty words or genuine desire?

Daily Breakthrough by Rod Parsley

Pursuit Is Proof

"Remember"

green pastures. a hut. a stream/waterfall. a cow.

what's stopping me?

unwanted

BE STILL & KNOW...

2010 - a dreamy year

God of the Impossible

Japanese subtlety

laughingstock

School of Prayer

I Just Wanna Love You

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other

O The Wonderful Cross

new buddy!!!

越走越精彩

It's a hymn!

Divine Guide

School of Pain

it's just a passing phase

God has funny ideas...

女人一生中最珍贵的东西

To my fellow coffee drinkers...

突然に。。。

”ただいま！”

What's in a name?

U-turn

the Wall

who understands the heart of a father?

2010!!!

Christmas is in the air!

tear down those doors!

斩草不除根。。。

much needed Sabbath

6 months

Emmanuel

Double Take @ DFP

mac-ing

"and I stand, I stand, in awe of You"

what's in a name?

digging deeper

need more adrenaline

the Sixth Sola

a rising generation of rebels?

doing vs. being

12 days

~Fri~

blurry eyes

smile