steadfast

"the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases"

how do we develop steadfastness?

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal." -Isaiah 26:3-4

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." -Psalm 51:10-12

drive therapy

no cc. i haf chosen to remain in my slum. ugh. it wasn't really the rain was it? stubborn, silly girl.

rain subsided. i need to get out. mum graciously consented. it must have sounded dangerous.

"i'm going for a drive."

"when will u be back?"

"i haf no idea."

"don't u want me to come?"

"nah..."

wanted to take some different route other than the one i usually take to church. bad idea. where i had intended to go requires me to go through a super jam stretch. actually, everywhere in town is jam. 4pm.

i expected impatience. none. i calmly turned from road to road, wanting to look for a less packed one. none. but tt's not satisfying. i wanted to speed on a highway.

found myself heading back to my area... almost into melawati... then i turned into the highway. perhaps i can get to jln ipoh and come back frm the town. i drove there once. during my practice drive.

can't find the turning into jln ipoh. i wonder what will happen if i just drive on and on and on? perhaps i'll just come to a dead end. there's heaps of "jalan mmr tutup" signs. or... i might end up calling sos. wait a minute, there's the road leading to genting highlands. i brought my book, journal, coloured pen...

nah. mum will get worried. it's not fair for her.

satisfied?

nah. maybe drive therapy is for guys.

wat's my response?

you can't change the circumstances. but you determine your response.

the feeling word now is: ugh. does this even qualify as a feeling word?

i'm pretty zombified now. din sleep a wink whole tues night. not that i didn't want to. i just couldn't.

wed was a normal day. just like any other day. it's perhaps a bad day for many as torrential rain hit KL when the floodgates of the skies lost their hold. however, it was a beautiful day for me. in my zonkedness, i had a precious moment with the Lord. Precious and sweet.

too bad it had to end. tried to catch some sleep. nah, my body seems to be telling me that it's not gonna happen. or maybe i didn't try hard enough. had a good sharing wf my shepherd. we're in this pilgrim's journey together. thanks for reassuring me that u're always there for me. i kinda felt alone for a while.

night came. i think maybe the wanting to sleep part is stressing me out. i felt tensed. so tensed. about not being able to sleep, yet knowing tt it's essential if i wanna be a "normal" person. yea. a sleep deprived cq is no fun.

2 hrs. can't believe it was only 2:30am when i looked at the time. i was hoping that the night is gone and dawn is here and I'll be up and on the go! darkness. hmmmm. took out my devotion, and the bestseller of all times...

i din dare make any promises abt today's plans. i was wanting to try slumber again. and if i really sleep, i'll let myself sleep to my heart's content...

i slept! for 15 mins. perhaps tt's all i need?

now, i'm wondering if i should head to cc. the atmosphere is gonna be hyped up. exam's over man! time to paint the town red! or should i just stay in the quiet side of the town and continue pondering wat's bothering me?

maybe i do know wat's bothering me. is it ok to chuck it all aside and not think about it? will that be sweeping the rubbish under the carpet? at least dust isn't so obvious. the carpet would outline the form of the rubbish still.

wat is my response? would i choose to Praise Him anyway?

jigsaw puzzle piece

i feel like a jigsaw puzzle piece. except that this piece hasn't got the right cut to fit the missing gap. maybe the sides are slowly forming, but it's not the right fit. is there a deadline?

dreams

dreams are so mysterious. they can reflect ur deepest desires, your worst nightmares, a prophetic vision from God...

lately, i'm more inclined to hope for a prophetic dream. but it never happened. though i know ppl do get prophetic dreams still...

in a span of 2 hrs today, i had 2 friends telling me they dreamt of me. the first one, there are 2 parts. it's amazing how she remembered them... weird dreams they are. made me laugh. hehehehe...

2nd friend. he wouldn't tell me wat's in it. but apparently the dreams were over 2 consecutive nights and they're connected. prophetic vision? hmmmm. or u just missed me too much la. hahaha. anyway, i'm so gonna dig it out of u. don't think u got away k ;p

i think i'm rather amused. i mean, how often do u get 2 friends telling u they dreamt of u in a span of 2 hrs? maybe there's more out there? hehehehe.

i wonder if God dreams. I'm sure if He does, i'm in each and every one of them. yea, though i've been feeling so ultimately insignificant, i know He thinks of me all the time. i wonder how i balance these 2 thoughts. perhaps they're not meant to balance and hence the constant struggle.

Longing for You in my dreams~

giraffe vs cow? giraffe-cow?

for those of you that know me, u know of my errrr... liking (no, it's not obsession) for giraffes. they are really beautiful creatures indeed and i marvel at the creativity of the Almighty which i think is sadly lacking in me (didn't He make me in His image?).




ok, i admit i haven't seen a real one up close n personal before. ml had the privilege to do tt when she was in kenya. sim too~ he actually fed one and wrote as caption to tt photo "feeding cq". *envious* it's ok, i know my day will come. God is gracious.

i'm born in the year of Cow in the chinese calendar. too bad they haven't got any giraffes in the chinese calender. who knows in tt split moment i was brought into this world it was actually a fast, flashing "moment of the giraffe"? hehehe.

dad used to call me all sorts of endearment with some cow relations in them. until i was old enough to get real embarrassed when he did tt in front of my friends and mom told him to stop. it took a while but eventually every traces of cow in my names went away.

it just struck that ppl were always complaining that my giraffes look like cows. some even mistook them for cows! i mean, which cow has yellow skin n brown patches all over? but then again, which giraffe has short necks and cow-looking faces?

wat a giraffe-cow/cow-giraffe tension.

won't you love the giraffe too as you love the cow?

bed rest

"woman, u remind me of those patients that like to wander around the hospital or try to escape all the time even though they were specifically ordered bed rest by the doctor. tsk tsk. "

Yest morn I woke up with my bones aching all over. I felt like an old granny eh. Cancelled all appointments for the day. I din think it was anything serious. Until I slept til I couldn't sleep anymore, just to take some medicine and wait for the medicine to take effect and knock me off again. In total, I was awake for no more than 5 hours yesterday...

I'm feeling much fresher today. After sleeping half the day away. Already the "stuck at home" feeling is getting into me. and it's only been 1 day! i'm itching to get out. got mum to bring me to pasar malam at air panas market last night though my body wasn't really up to it. imagine me in a jacket in KL! gosh. i'd prefer mum to bring me for a night drive though, into the city of KL. I'm always attracted to the night lights. plus i'd rather not walk last night. old bones.

so, is this the sorta rest i'm supposed to be taking? hmmmm. suddenly it feels like i've forgotten how to really rest. wat's rest? how does one rest? does sleeping and being confined in bed all day count as rest? can't rest be more constructive? like a good book in a sbux comfy couch? or maybe i've never really know how to rest in the first place...

Lord, is this the kinda bed rest You have in mind?

may I find my rest in You...

the little black room

it was dark. so dark that u can't make out the dimensions of the room. and there was just me and Him. a little of Him. in the form of Light. I was on my knees...

I long for His Light to fill the room and for His presence to shake the walls of the room. and I'll be worshipping Him like nothing else mattered. Indeed, nothing else matters. and there's just sweetness in the air.

Lord, can't it just be me and You? can't You cut off everything else?

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. -Psalm 139:23

Just me and You.

the light at the end of the tunnel

that's how i felt today. maybe tt's not a very accurate description of my situation but it's sorta like a "good, refreshing change".

yea. God brought me out of my slum. i thought slumming's good for everyone. once in a while. a yearly pilgrimage thing. but now i know it's definitely not me. no way. ugh. it got me so down i literally cried out to God time and time again. it felt more like confinement. to be honest, it messed me up. sigh.

God heard my cries. He arranged for me to tag along to a food review at Naili's which started with a pre-review dim sum. wow. it made me realised how much i need people. *self-discovery* but hey! I'm still an introvert k.

today's been really awesome. it started with coffee (finally!) and meaningful conversation. it made me feel like i have a sense of purpose again. sounds serious eh? headed off to gym. God bless GT for getting me VIP guest status until i leave (GT: u're the man!) hehehe. lunch with mum. where? GENKI! (i shall be forgiving abt the tummy discomfort and subsequent visitSSS to the toilet, which isn't really settled now, minor problem. i blame kiwi food for being too clean).

after lunch, i was in sbux, in my comfy couch, with a cuppa. peaberry blend. it's quite smooth. that lasted me for 4 hours. with a good book, a bestseller, a devotion, a spiral bound notebook and 3 different coloured pens. God is awesome!

went along to mum's office. everyone was in a frenzy. it was almost chaotic. well, maybe it's not that bad but it certainly felt tt way in the otherwise calm and serene office. i sat down and did some typing work for them. wow. tt felt good eh. my sense of self-worth is coming back. hehehehe.

got this in my email couple of days back:

"woman, u remind me of those patients that like to wander around the hospital or try to escape all the time even though they were specifically ordered bed rest by the doctor. tsk tsk. "

how true. why can't i sit still?

(continue this another time. kena halau to bed. tummy is getting worse. pls pray.)

conclusion: God is awesome!

jonah

Somehow this character's been in my head since ard mid-afternoon and I can't seem to stop thinking about him...

U know, that infamous dude that got swallowed by a whale cos he was disobedient to God and went the opposite direction God told him to, and stayed there for 3 days until he repented and the whale threw him up again?

hmmmmm. maybe I should sleep over it and try to meditate a bit more about this.

I wish I could meet with my Lord in my slumber. Although I know He's always here with me, somehow I've been feeling like I miss Him. Yea, I miss Him so much. Read Dennis' blog and felt so encouraged by it. His ending sentence was: "it's quite a weird post at quite a weird time coz of exams, but the joy is just overflowing at this point. haha. oh wells! it's all good =) praise the Lord!" Little kid is so encouraging. This reminded me of that joy that comes from the Lord and makes u just wanna sing and dance with the Lord. It makes me long for that overflowing joy all the more...

Increase my thirst, amplify my hunger, so much so that I would have no choice, but to seek You more...

live the moment. live the day.

12 June. Mon.

i thought i had heaps to post but lousy connection had limited my access. after many attempts, i kinda lost my train of thoughts when i'm finally connected again. who knows if this post will make it eh since it's very likely by the time this post is freshly baked, the oven door just won't open (connection out). hmmmmm.

this means u guys might not get a daily dose of me. I'm still writing, just in a different place. Perhaps God wants me to log in more in my journal rather than my blog. My journal has its moments of intimacy and honesty that no one else will ever see, which I only dare to be so with my Abba in Heaven, Who knows me inside out anyway...

it was a rather quiet weekend with mum working. church ppl were quite surprised to see me. i had pretty mixed feelings. "glory glory glory to the lamb, for He is glorious and worthy to be praised, the Lamb upon the throne..." this tune's been in my head for quite a bit when I was in nz. Many times I had to suppress the urge to just break out at the top of my voice while walking along the quiet chilly dunedin streets, singing this song to give Him glory and praise... yesterday, i could finally lift my voice to Him. i can't help but smile as I was brought back to how it was like in the beginning. maybe not right at the beginning but somewhere in the initial journey. I was reminded to be faithful, to persist and persevere with dogged determination to not just drag my feet through the mundane but to really choose to live the moment, live the day. It's like the passionate relationship vs. the quiet, calm, dangerously misinterpreted as mundane, yet faithful relationship. We all need a mix of these don't we?

REMEMBER.REPENT.RETURN. that's the gist of yest's sermon.

REMEMBER. i wondered how some people forget. until i realised i don't do a goob job remembering either. in fact, i forget quite fast. we need reminders every now and then, to keep us going, before we forget so much so that we can't even recall the tiniest bit of wat it was like to be in the arms of the loving Lord. of our gratitude to Him for paying the price for us. for dying on the cross to buy our pardon. and most importantly, that part where we made the conscious decision to respond to Him. have u forgotten why you chose Him in the beginning? have u gone lukewarm? it is said in revelations, that it is better to be hot or cold, than to be lukewarm, and the Lord spit out the lukewarm (my paraphrase, with bits left from my failing memory). are u sure this is where u want to be?

REPENT. it's a choice. to turn away from watever that's not supposed to be, and walk towards the right path, leaving the past behind. it's a choice. it's YOUR choice.

RETURN. that's the best thing you can do for urself really. return to the Lord. He longs for you...

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
In quietness and trust is your strength,
.
.
.
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!"
-Isaiah 30:15-18

No matter how far you've strayed, it's never too far for you to return to God...

i think i'm still adjusting. it's weird to think that one has to adjust to home. i'm still waking up at 6+/7am albeit going to bed 12+/1am. this is my 3rd caffeine free day. welcome to coffee annonymous. i miss my BarVista. pray that the Lord will help me find my footing in Him, soon.

oh, i've finally decided to grow a boyfriend. hehehe. he's growing quite well in the container of water. apparently he shrinks when out of water and i can grow him again and again as much as i like. he's blue though. hmmmmm. i hope he doesn't become a chewy toy for my Sushi ;p

h.o.m.e

...is where the heart is.

Yes. I'm back. From 2 degrees celsius on a freezing dunedin morning, I flew into a fiery furnace...

I must admit the excitement and anticipation wasn't as strong as before. actually, there wasn't even a twinge of anything. Perhaps after a few times it just tones down quite a bit. Or, I might be getting old. NOT.

Thank God that my exam's over. Thank God I got my boarding passes smoothly. No sweat. Could check in early somemore. Plus, i went over the 20kg limit. What's new? Thank God for sleep onboard. I stayed up the whole night before packing and I was totally knocked off frm dunedin to auckland. The people sitting next to me must be shuddering at the thought of what exams do to students. Hehe. But really, it's what comes after the exams. I went for a production with C. "I love you, you're perfect, now change". It was hilarious and I had an absolutely enjoyable night. I haven't laughed that much in a while. Looks like I'm doing good nurturing the cultural side of me. We all need to be balanced eh? Just last Thurs I went to Julian Lloyd Webber's (younger bro of the Andrew Lloyd Webber) performance at the town hall. The 2nd piece was good and the 3rd piece was surprisingly engaging as well. I prefer musicals though. For a while I was brought back to my crazy theatre chase in London. Really miss it man.

I watched 4 inflight movies. Broke my own record for that. Me who don't watch movies all that much. "Perhaps Love" was too much like Moulin Rouge but I din mind the HUGE similarity all that much since I liked Moulin Rouge. Besides, I get to drool over Takeshi Kaneshiro. "Helen the baby fox" was a truly heart-warming Japanese film. Wish I can have my own pet baby fox. "The Pink Panther" really tickled me and I hope people around me won't remember me as I burst out in bouts of laughter as I watched .

The last one I watched, which i sadly didn't get to finish cos we were landing, was "The Professor and his beloved equation" . There were some profound truths in this Japanese film, mentioned so simply it makes you go "ooooo..." and then "wow...." This film talks about a math professor and he made math sound so beautiful. "The eternal truth is invisible, you must see it with your heart." and "The invisible world supports the visible world..." It struck me how the perfection in numbers just reflects the nature of our most High Wonderful God. Though I'm not big on math, I saw the beautiful side of math for once, where God's character is being revealed. (does anyone know where I can get this film? I really want to finish it eh... )

OK. I touched down. Got home and surprised a few people. Realised that I came back on a World Cup opening night. ouch. it's cruel to have to compete with World Cup. But thank God my temptations kaki was kind enough to show me some sympathy ;p went to my all time favourite ktz - this IS really becoming a tradition. i need to learn how to make my own black sesame tong yuen.

I went to bed ard 2am. That's like 6am NZ time. I thought it's a good day to sleep in, cos mum's real busy these days and she's heading back to the office both today (SAT) and tmr (SUN) for the whole day and then it's Mon again and she's working as per norm. She felt really bad about this but I reassured her I'll be fine eh... I can entertain myself at home. Hehe. To my horror, I got up and couldn't sleep again and it's only 7am!!! Might start having my second sleep habit again.

Headed off to the famous air panas wet market. People were pushing their way past one another, sellers screaming at the top of their lungs, the smell of food, the sight of fruits, veggies... man, i miss this bit! It's a challenge to get your way around. I was just so mesmerised by the variety of fruits, cheaply available (ok, maybe not that cheap, but they cost at least twice more in NZ). I am so gonna have a fruit diet today. Had the sweetest mangoes for breakfast. yum~ morning tea was papaya milk. I reckon I need to get HL milk. Dutch lady doesn't deliver the same magic. Lunch... mom made barley with foo chuk and ginkgo. Man, I'm in heaven! ;p

Home is where the heart is. There wasn't any excitement, no anticipation, no nothing. but yes, I'm truly home.

Sitting at Jesus' feet

But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me." Luke 10:40

Martha loved Jesus dearly and would have done anything for Him. Her struggle came in being still! Martha spent so much time serving Jesus that she had no time to enjoy His company or to get to know Him better. The harder Martha worked, the more frustrated she became with her sister Mary. Mary was sitting at Jesus' feet while Martha scurried around the house to make sure everything was in perfect order for Jesus. Martha's service, though it started out with gladness, deteriorated into resentment and envy.

It is good to want to serve Christ as an expression of love for what He has done for you. Yet when your activity consumes your time and energies so that you have no time for Him, you have become too busy! You may think, as Martha did, that if you don't do the work, it won't get done. That may be true, but Jesus taught that your highest priority must be your relationship with Him. If anything detracts you from that relationship, that activity is not from God. God will not ask you to do something that hinders your relationship with Christ. At times, serving God and carrying out His mission is the best way to know and experience God. At other times, it is more important to sit quietly at His feet and listen to what He is saying.

We are not called to continually sit at the feet of Jesus; otherwise our service for Him would cease. Neither are we called to serve Him incessantly, without taking time to find restoration in His presence. Have you been serving God so diligently that you have not had time to spend with Him?

Adapted from Experiencing God Day-by-Day
by Broadman & Holman Publishers

This came today in my e-devotion from Canaaland. But it felt like an email from God Himself...

"Jesus loves me this I know, For the Bible tells me so..."

On the latest church bulletin, right on the front page, were some letters written by children to God (from www.getfed.com):

> Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

> Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

> Dear GOD, what does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. -Jane

> Dear GOD, we read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said u did it. So I bet he stole ur idea. -Sincerely, Donna

> Dear GOD, did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

OUCH. I think "zebra" should replace "giraffe". Giraffes are the most beautiful animals on the surface of earth!

My favourite:

> Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. -Eugene

We realised that Ms. Ong (our art teacher in high sch) would give really good grades for any piece of art with orange/purple combi in it...

"And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." -Matthew 18:3

"Oui, Jesus m'aime,
oui, Jesus m'aime,
oui, Jesus m'aime,
La Bible m'a dit."

a little post to thank Him...

indeed, there are many things to be thankful for. as i arrange my thoughts to blog them down, i realised that just for today alone, i might not even be able to list everything down eh!

had to drag myself outta bed in the morn cos i thought assignment's due at 1pm. I was stuck last night at the last question and somehow i just couldn't figure it out eh. was praying somewhat frantically before I went to bed and this morn, other than the "ugh, do i haf to get outta bed" thought, "Lord, pls grant me the wisdom for that last question" kept playing over and over again in the blurriness of my mostly still asleep mind.

after devotions, it's time to tackle that toughie. i decided to start all over again and as i pulled out my notes, i was directed to this part that was just the example i needed to unravel the mystery! it was a Eureka! moment for me and before I went on to write out all my answers nicely, i decided He really deserve my time eh. So i had a little time of worshipping Him, then wrote out everything and submitted my assignment. sweet ass. 1 assignment down. 1 assignment, 1 exam to go.

J came over for lunch and though we didn't have much time to catch up, she gave me a really good verse (and passage for context). It's like part 2 of the encouraging verse she gave me on my bday card.

After she left, I Martha-ed a bit before settling down to work on my next assignment. It wasn't too bad. Had most of the stuff done earlier and managed to tie up the loose ends in less than an hour. God is awesome! There were some finer details that i just couldn't attend to. I lack that kinda energy and motivation and determination to attend to the finer details at the mo. I gave up cos I really needed to get that assignment outta my way before I could concentrate on my exam on thurs...

1 assignment down. 1 exam to go!

Submitted my last piece of assignment for this sem, in exchange for a marked one. GOD IS SOOOO AMAZING!!!! yea~ it was an awesome grade that I couldn't possibly imagine I could get. Thanks to my Abba Father in Heaven who arranged for me to have a really good partner, and also for ideas etc...

Ran along to my partner's flat to share the good news with her. OK, i exaggerated. I don't have the energy to run these days. ugh. met A on the way. He's such a great encourager. I thank God for him and he's really been a blessing, not just to me, but to everyone around him eh.

After that it was back to my flat to prepare for dinner tonight. A has always invited us over to his place for dinner. We decided this time round, it should be us bringing him and his family dinner. It's always scary to cook for a large crowd. 11 is a huge number when u usually cook for 1. or 2. thank God everything's well-cooked and nobody complained.

the fellowship at A's place was good. light and easy. i could so sleep in his couch after dinner eh...

i didn't mean to give an account of "a day in the life of cq". i guess my brain's just not working very well at the mo. i really wanna acknowledge Him in my day and thank Him for the little encouragements He's sent. It's those little sweet things that you might not notice but it's there, like the sunshine He gave us today, the flowers He's delivered to my doorstep (real fresh n wild ones in front of Nic's room). You might not feel that He's there but He always is, waiting for you to call Him, longing for you to go to Him...

May I find rest in the Lord

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened,
and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]"
-Matthew 11:28 (Amplified Bible)

Sometimes when u're nearing the end point, you think u could hang on and press on and give it all. Then you don't care if you die after the finish line. well, not literally la.

I once ran for my class in the 400m race. There was no one else cos the runners in class were already running in other events. I didn't expect to make it to the finals but apparently, all the good runners in other classes were already in other events as well. However, I was no match for the other competitors. I forgot all about pacing myself and just sprinted, though my sprint was more like a normal run next to the faster runners. Towards the last stretch, I so wanted to make that dash (which usually lead to all sorts of cramps which ain't pleasant) but I couldn't. I was already exhausted by then and though I continued the journey, I just couldn't go any faster.

I am no runner. But that was a good experience. I have pressed on and now it's just the last stretch left. I thought I could continue to be superwoman and just do the supernatural. But God said "no". "You're not going anywhere until you've rested and then I'll let you finish that last stretch. and you won't die. but you won't go anywhere either, until you've learnt to wait upon Me..."

"My dear child, My yoke is easy and my burden is light... Let me give you rest...."

Tearfully, I was made to rest. To put everything aside, and really rest. Thank God He knows every fibre of my body. Though I recognise not I need to stop, He knows my limits...

I just can't thank my Creator enough...

'gritted-teeth faith'

"The Old Testament prophets hold out powerful, joyful promises, in which God speaks directly to the hearts of those he loves.

...

But what response is required from the hearers of this promise? God-fearing offspring don't come from nowhere. For a paralysed nation, under the yoke of oppressors, passing on a way of life that would flourish in the far-off blessed age needed raw, gritted-teeth perseverance. Such dogged faith is something Jesus often seemed to provoke from others, and the call 'do not be afraid' again has echoes of the Gospels. We might contrue it to imply, 'You'll be fine'. But what if that's not actually true? Are we brave enough to ask for the kind of Spirit-given faith that doesn't need to be 'fine' to trust in God?"

(Matt Campbell, Encounter with God, Pentecost)

"if my people, who are called by my name,
will humble themselves and pray and seek my face
and turn from their wicked ways,
then will I hear from heaven
and will forgive their sin
and will heal their land."
-2 Chronicles 7:14

"My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek. "
-Psalm 27:8

cq at your service...

I'm such a Martha. I really can't sit still and I need to do stuff... Be it milo, hot choc or cappa, let me serve you, please?

I thank God for bringing the Phatties to my flat tonight. I had good quality time with my BarVista, though we're really still at the "getting to know each other better" stage. 2 litres of milk gone! Bravo! :) :) :)

I cleaned up my darling BarVista and was just letting everything dry off when my dear flatmates came back from the library. After a night of studying hard out and coming back frm the cold, I was thankful I could serve them a cup of hot choc. Yes. Those ain't any normal hot choc, but the love of Christ goes in there as well~

I had felt really bad for volunteering my service at Vision, just to run off after once. Had they called me back I would haf continued, but that might become an obligation. They never called. I never went back. But there's this teeny weeny sense of guilt. Now, it just felt like God has shifted my barista ministry from Vision to 21B EB. How sweet is that? ;p

I really loved making cuppa after cuppa after cuppa. It's very bo-shiok to set up everything for just ONE cuppa. The only problem is: I need a larger steel jug. and perhaps, more mugs. God will supply the unlimited milk, coffee and choc i suppose. I just need Him to make sure I have the time, energy and most importantly, servant heart.

Coffee, anyone?

all is stripped away... and I simply come

longing just to bring, something that's of worth, that will bless Your heart...

You search much deeper within, through the way things appear, You're looking into my heart...

I coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about YOU, it's all about You Jesus...

I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it,

when it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus...

This has been playing in my mind for the past couple of days... especially the part "all is stripped away"...

I've been feeling really tired, really drained... and there had been times when I felt that I just don't want to go on anymore, not because I can't, not because the Lord can't sustain me, but just because I'm that stubborn little girl, merajuking before the Lord.

"Lord, I'm tired."

"Lord, I can't go on..."

There's been countless times, when I just feel so empty after OCF. Was it because I've been totally drained and there's no more of me left?

Last night, OCF had our final meeting for this semester. It was a good night really. Turn-up was more than usual. More than I had expected, considering it's nearing the exams. Ppl were really generous with their praises for how OCF has been doing so far. I thank God that these ppl have enjoyed OCF but I wonder... what does the Lord say?

It's hard to keep on working, yet your goal is not a tangible product. Your "success" is not measurable and you don't really know how you're faring... I guess it's even harder when you don't know what you're really aiming for and it's always not good enough, and there's always more you could have done to make it better...

It's just the final week. Press On! Many ppl tell me I should be thankful that I finish on thurs. I know. I want to be. But somehow I see the next stretch, with higher mountains, deeper valleys. I'm not too keen eh.

Had the Phatties over for our lifegrp meeting. I really enjoyed the guitar-worship thing. It just brought me back to the living room of Pastor Tony's house where College CG meets every Fri. Though it felt not as familiar as before when I went back, but I remember the fragrance of community. As we worshipped and had a time of prayer and allowing the Lord to speak to us, I just felt that sense of "it's not about you, it's about Him"...

Perhaps He's wanting me to strip everything away and look upon Him. Perhaps it's time to re-focus and re-align, it's been too much about myself, my tiredness, my studies, my...

He reminded me that the chief end of me, is to praise Him and to enjoy Him forever. I am made for Him. He loves me. This ministry is not mine but it comes from Him and therefore I do not lose heart. It's HIS ministry. And Jesus has given us life - life in abundance in Him! We have the spirit of Sonship, and we cry out "Abba Father" and His promises for us are "yes" and "amen"!

Lord, can You please bring me back to the heart of worship?

dream come true...

Breville BarVista

Italian 15 bar pump

Thermoblock heating system

Advanced crema system

Auto Purge System

Pre-brew function




God really knows the desires of my heart eh.

Barista for Christ - serving Christ by serving you...

;p

Insomniac cq?

wat's worse than laying on bed for hours, having felt really exhausted for the whole day in a week that's been real tiring, with a headache that's been haunting you for the whole evening and night, yet you can't sleep on your comfy bed, even with soothing music on? especially when you're someone that loves to sleep?

then u fell asleep. for less than 30 minutes. u got woken up by little noises that seemed to have been amplified just for tonight. and u realised ur stomach's growling and u groan because it's such a bad time to eat? u really wanted to have a good night's sleep so that u can battle your assignments because the earlier you finish ur assignmentSS the earlier u can start preparing for your exam which is in less than a week's time? u sat up, wishing for a cuppa milo, but as u make ur way to the kitchen, ur headache just seems to crescendo?

ugh. blog therapy is apparently not working. oh wait, i am yawning a bit more now so maybe it might work...

"It is vain for you to rise up early, To sit up late, To eat the bread of sorrows;
For so He gives His beloved sleep. " -Psalm 127:2

There's no milo. Coffee is hardly my answer. Perhaps it's time to give in and reach out for that panadol tt's been calling out my name the whole night.

Can't believe this is happening to me eh. I've always thought I sleep fine. But come to think of it, I haven't really been for a while now. A looooong while... it's always been compromised either in quantity or quality, and i suspect, for most times, it's both.

Please uphold me in prayers...

1 month!

yes. it's been 1 month that i've been blogging now. just felt compelled to leave a short post here. No, i haven't lost the ooooomph to blog (dun worry fellow bloggers!), just that i'm waiting for ppl to pass me photos so that i can load them up and i've been real tired these couple of days. ugh. yawned til i cried yest. sometimes i wonder, maybe i deserve it eh.

50 blogs in 31 days. how hard out is that? never thought that would come from me...

i've had a real blessed birthday. updates later (when photos come in). each year i thought i've had the best birthday i can possibly have. But God amazes me with how it just gets better each year. It's like you thought you've experienced the goodness of God, but He just amazes u with how much more, immeasurably more than u can ask or imagine, He is able to give us. Don't settle for the teasers, continue pursuing the very best that God has for you...

The post-birthday thought I have is how well-loved I am by everyone around me. Really appreciate it guys! From flatmates, to classmate, to Phatties mates, to wonderful mates, prayer mates, ocf mates, u name it. MY FAMILY TOO. and mates from all around the world! To be honest, I was real tired on that day eh. I din really sleep well and by afternoon i was already tired (sign of old age? oh no!). SO after my day ended i just collapsed into bed... and the next day, i just at my desk and felt that i really need to let every thought that has been invested in the cards, the gifts, all the little gestures, sink in. and even now, as i list the many ppl tt have remembered the day I was brought into this world (not that many years ago), the feeling of being loved is just... wow. Because, it goes beyond just that. When I strip away all the people, all the things, one by one, I see God, my Father in Heaven and His strong, flaming, powerful love for me. I probably haven't got the best vocab here, but it's something I can't describe in words eh... I thank God for His reminder to me, which I reckon we all need every so often (so go on with your acts of random kindness!).

How do u say "no" to a God that loves u so fiercely?

That, is a scary thought.

I think I'll dwell in the love bit first, and think about that question after next week.